WAW in affair. Help!

[NotMyChoice]

Norm I am relatively new to this site but I dealt w/ the cellphone sitch. Found out my H was texting/calling OW back and forth nearly 60 times per day. What my H did, or so I think, was call the cellphone company and had the OW's numbers blocked from showing up on his detailed phone bill. Yes that is possible cuz I have the same cellphone company and I emailed them about it. Don't know if your wife would think about that but just giving you a heads up. 1st thing I did was print a few copies for my records cuz I don't want to try to get into my H's cellphone acct again...I plan on sending the OW's H a copy.

[Norm914]

If you are looking to create mystery then wearing your wedding ring might be the way to go.

Thanks, CG. I think you’re right.

[Norm914]

Sometimes it's not about "looking strong". It's about "being strong". Being strong means that you act authentically regarding things that are meaningful to you. If your ring is meaningful to you as a representation of your vows and your marriage and you haven't given up on that yet .... keep wearing it. Then your actions will be congruent with your convictions, and that shows. Without words. In your general energy and demeanor.

Spot on, Kett. I’ll keep wearing it.

You're not responsible for her terrible choices, but in some degree, silence does give consent. I understand the wisdom of waiting for clarity and calmness to confront. But when that has been achieved, and still you keep discovering new relatively passive workarounds to try to derail the affair, anything to avoid exposure and/or confronting her directly and decisively with what you know ... why???

Confronting her won’t work. She’ll just become angry and indignant and turn it around making me look like the insane, jealous husband. I’ve already been down that road.

I know people say that confronting the OP doesn’t work, but I think it’s my only option at this point. OM is a cop and we have mutual (cop) friends. He’s married to a rich woman and probably isn’t ready to lose his meal ticket. His professional reputation is important to him. Even an accusation is going to look bad and cause him problems.

What makes me think this might work is this: There are only two people who know about this A. One is ff that is acquainted with my W, but doesn’t really know her. She clocked the A immediately based on my description of W’s behavior. I was in denial at the time.

By the same token, OM doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know what I’m capable of. W thinks she does, but he’s in uncharted territory. That will make him nervous. If I calmly approach him with something like, “I know what’s going on. You two are on a pretty slippery slope, and that concerns me. You’re a police officer, OM. You know that people have ways of uncovering information. You can thank your lucky stars that I’m a softhearted guy. I haven’t gone to your wife or your superiors with what I have. I hope to keep it that way. Go home to your wife.” I don’t think he’s ready to call my bluff. I don’t he can afford to test me.

I know this might only turn up the heat on the A. But I don’t see any other option and I can’t stand to watch this go on any longer. I have to do SOMETHING.

[Norm914]

Norm I am relatively new to this site but I dealt w/ the cellphone sitch. Found out my H was texting/calling OW back and forth nearly 60 times per day. What my H did, or so I think, was call the cellphone company and had the OW's numbers blocked from showing up on his detailed phone bill. Yes that is possible cuz I have the same cellphone company and I emailed them about it. Don't know if your wife would think about that but just giving you a heads up. 1st thing I did was print a few copies for my records cuz I don't want to try to get into my H's cellphone acct again...I plan on sending the OW's H a copy.

Thanks, NMC.

Haven’t gone to OM’s wife with the cell bills. Saving that for a last resort. But if my W pushes for divorce, I won’t even blink.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sometimes it's not about "looking strong". It's about "being strong". Being strong means that you act authentically regarding things that are meaningful to you. If your ring is meaningful to you as a representation of your vows and your marriage and you haven't given up on that yet .... keep wearing it. Then your actions will be congruent with your convictions, and that shows. Without words. In your general energy and demeanor.

OTOH, if you allow yourself to get tangled up in endless knots of, "What will she think if I do this?......", and allow those speculations to drive your actions, that will show too. IMHO.

You said something earlier about not wanting to be the bad guy and hurt her. Understandable. But every day that she continues her affair, she is hurting *herself* badly, especially if she's "not that kind of person", at her core. And you know that and are allowing it to continue.

You're not responsible for her terrible choices, but in some degree, silence does give consent. I understand the wisdom of waiting for clarity and calmness to confront. But when that has been achieved, and still you keep discovering new relatively passive workarounds to try to derail the affair, anything to avoid exposure and/or confronting her directly and decisively with what you know ... why???

GOD, I love Kett's posts.



Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Norm I am relatively new to this site but I dealt w/ the cellphone sitch. Found out my H was texting/calling OW back and forth nearly 60 times per day. What my H did, or so I think, was call the cellphone company and had the OW's numbers blocked from showing up on his detailed phone bill. Yes that is possible cuz I have the same cellphone company and I emailed them about it. Don't know if your wife would think about that but just giving you a heads up. 1st thing I did was print a few copies for my records cuz I don't want to try to get into my H's cellphone acct again...I plan on sending the OW's H a copy.

Thanks, NMC.

Haven’t gone to OM’s wife with the cell bills. Saving that for a last resort. But if my W pushes for divorce, I won’t even blink.

Norm,

Isn't this the EXACT SAME SPOT you were about a month ago?? Or am I confusing you with another poster?

I agree -- time to do FREAKING SOMETHING.

Puppy

[Norm914]

Absolutely, Puppy.

We all know that A’s don’t last. I guess I was hoping this one would die on it’s own. But I can’t take this any more. Yes, W will get pissed. But that’s nothing compared to hell I’ve been put through. I’ve been practicing my script and will confront OM in the next week or so when the opportunity is right. I have nothing to lose at this point, and I’ve finally come to that realization.

I know it might not stop the A, but it will throw a wrench in the works of this comfy, cozy sh@t that’s been going on right in front of me all this time.

[CityGirl]

Why do you think A's don't last? My H has been with his affair for almost two years (and yes, "she" cheated also but was not married, just in a very long term R).

I am always puzzled when people say affairs don't last. Many people I know that are on their second marriage (happy ones I might add) the R's began as an A. Not the best way to start a R but stranger things have happened.

Honestly, I think people say affairs don't last to make themselves feel better. Just from what I have witnessed IRL I think about 20% fizzle out but the majority of them do last way past a divorce from the initial spouse. They might not last FOREVER but the WAS still never returns post affair.

I guess that is why I feel exposure is usually a fruitless effort. If people want to really be with somebody they will move mountains to do so. You may expose an affair but you don't remove it and cheaters lie either way.

JMO of course but I don't think "affairs fizzling" is as common as one might think. When one person is willing to risk it ALL (family, friends, assets, exposure, legal consequences) for a R they usually are very invested. I am all for booting out a cheating spouse and filing for a D and setting a hard firm line.

[Norm914]

Why do you think A's don't last? My H has been with his affair for almost two years (and yes, "she" cheated also but was not married, just in a very long term R).

I am always puzzled when people say affairs don't last. Many people I know that are on their second marriage (happy ones I might add) the R's began as an A. Not the best way to start a R but stranger things have happened.

Honestly, I think people say affairs don't last to make themselves feel better. Just from what I have witnessed IRL I think about 20% fizzle out but the majority of them do last way past a divorce from the initial spouse. They might not last FOREVER but the WAS still never returns post affair.

I guess that is why I feel exposure is usually a fruitless effort. If people want to really be with somebody they will move mountains to do so. You may expose an affair but you don't remove it and cheaters lie either way.

JMO of course but I don't think "affairs fizzling" is as common as one might think. When one person is willing to risk it ALL (family, friends, assets, exposure, legal consequences) for a R they usually are very invested. I am all for booting out a cheating spouse and filing for a D and setting a hard firm line.

Thanks, CG. I have considered this reality as well. You make a very good point.

That’s why I’m ready to turn up the heat. If W and OM are in this for the long haul, our M is done anyway. If that’s the case, I’m going to make it as hard for them as I possibly can. I am NOT going down with a whimper. This was a hard corner for me to turn, but I’ve turned it.

[Deep]

Norm, absolutely you should rock their cozy little world.

CG, I guess it depends on specific circumstances. If an M has abuse and variations of extreme intolerable behaviour, and one spouse checks out after a period of time, the other R might have a better chance of "working out". But in many cases, A's thrive on illicit excitement, thrill of the forbidden, and in being something hidden. I mean, I'm no expert, but after having my eyes opened with my sitch and really taking a good look around, that seems to be the case. Often, the "good" stuff in the A are illusory, delusions. It works because it exists in an unnatural setting, where there's no responsibility, commitment, and the grind of daily family life. Both parties only deal with the faces they choose to show each other.

When it all comes home to roost, they find that it's not such a bed of roses afterall, and the issues within themselves that led to their unhappines if not dealt with, remains. If we believe that we have a responsibility to make ourselves happy, then the ditching of an M for another party is simply being lazy at best.

Surely, that's why it's an A to start with right? They could have walked out on the M if the sitch was that bad. Holding onto the benefits of the M, cake-eating, whatever you call it, is just plain selfish, irresponsible behaviour. How would playing with someone else's weewee solve the problems in a dysfunctional M, or get you out of it?