A cheated cheater

[undefeated]

Ok, so where am I? Let's see...

My H called me today. We are getting the house on Friday!!! I'm so excited. I have moved beyond the doubts and fears somewhat. I will deal with those issues (whether he intends to ditch me there, whether it will be harder being separated together, etc.) when I get there. Today is not that day. Worry is paralyzing - I can't move when I am worrying about five steps ahead of the one I need to take right now. All our stuff is coming in the same day (yikes he's crazy! That takes serious amounts of time!) He didn't really say much about when I should come down with the kids. pets, etc. just, "not before Friday." I almost answered, "Well no s*&%" but refrained. Now I am trying to find someone in my family crazy enough to make the trip with me so I don't have to drive all that way alone. I've done it and it's so hard.

But I'm planning to arrive Friday or early Saturday so I can start unpacking and he can spend the weekend with the boys - they are so happy we're finally going to see daddy. I am too; he may be an idiot from time to time, but he's my idiot and I love him.

The hardest thing right now is not telling him about all the things I've realized since getting my bipolar disorder under control. I had no idea just how much it was affecting my life. But if I tell him he will not listen, not care, or both. Somebody just remind me of this, ok? It's my nature to share my triumphs with him, but he's just not my H right now. Like I said, somebody give me a virtual shake.

I bought a cute pair of pajamas today. Nothing racy or even sexy, just a cute v-neck tee and black cotton pants with little hearts all over. But I'm hoping it drives him crazy - not being able to ML to me but seeing me comfortable not only in my clothes, but in my own skin. That's something I'm working on too. I'm learning to love me. I've spent too much time wallowing in the past, both about my physical appearance and my emotional/psychological mistakes. As my dearest friend likes to say, "So put your big girl panties on and deal with it!" This is not a time to sit and cry "woe is me." It's time to change what needs changing.

My essay is outlined and the first two paragraphs are written. I'm using Michele's principles to make little goals in lots of areas of my life, not just my M. I'm setting deadlines and, I was surprised to find, meeting them. So hopefully I will be able to tell you soon when you can read my essay in a magazine!

It's hard to say "no intimacy" because as blue said it's one of the few ways I still feel connected to my H. But to ML to him just makes me sad. And it isn't supposed to be that way. So I guess it's better to feel physically frustrated than emotionally devastated. But it's seriously going to suck!

And I haven't really worried about STI's. I guess I was telling myself "He would never be that irresponsible." But I hate to admit - I was. Part of hyper-sexuality (a manifestation of bipolar disorder and not the same as my A, but just as unsavory) is total irresponsibility and recklessness. It's a miracle I never got anything. They tested me during each of my pregnancies - all fine. When you brought it up, blue, it made me think. And it also brought to mind the worry, what if he gets her pregnant? I have no answers to that. Only even more questions...so I try not to dwell on it.

I'm also going to be telling all my girlfriends that I need to step back right now. I will still be there for them, but I have been far too wrapped up in their lives. As I say, I have always had the need/desire to help people, to save them, to be their rock. I very rarely lean on anyone; I am the safe place, so I can't look to them to be my safe place. That was sort of my logic. But now I am calling my girls in. I need their support now as much as they have needed me in the past. And the only person I can focus on saving right now is me. Not that I don't still listen. My friend called me from Germany and we talked until 4 am! But I tend to take the problems other people share with me and carry them as though they were my very own. I just can't do that anymore. I have to carry myself for awhile.

I guess that's me for now. Gotta get my hair cut in the next few days...it's making me nuts! Hope you all are having a good weekend!

P.S. - I forgot. How do I stop seeing pictures of my H with OW in my head? I hate it - she even looks a lot like me! Maybe I should take this as a good sign...he wants me, just happier, nicer, and more motivated. But I still hate the pictures.

[bluerain]

Hi undefeated, thats all pretty exciting news! I think that one of the biggest things that I would say to your question about telling him about the things that you have realized since you have gotten your Bipolar under control is this: Dont tell him anything. Show him, he will notice the changes that you have made in the ways that you interact with him, your kids, even the new people that you will be meeting. You can tell him anything and he might hear it, but the things that he sees will have more of an impact.

You do have the fact that shes on the other side of the continent on your side here. And hopefully shes not stupid enough and has too much self respect to let herself get pregnant by a married man who lives in another state.

I think that its smart to plan to step away from the issues of other people right now. I also think that it would be nice if you could find a way to not internalize other peoples problems. This is going to come up again, and it would be good for you to figure out how to shed their negative energy. Maybe pray for the people (and it doesnt have to be to a particular "god"), maybe meditation would be a more accurate term, but focus on hoping for the best in their situations and then let them go. You stewing on someone elses issues isnt going to do anyone any good. And often its important to remember that usually people dont want help solving their problems, they just need to say them out loud.

So, get your hair cut, buy new makeup, and new big girl undies, sexy ones that make you feel great, and focus on you and what you need to be the best undefeated that you can be!

[undefeated]

Thanks, blue. Always good to have your input!

So, I'm moving in four days!!! And I had to juggle several family members and travel plans to get it all worked out. LOL. It's crazy! My cousin from Phoenix (who I'm not sure I've ever met)is flying to Denver so I can meet up with her and drive back to AZ. That morning I will spend with my H's grandparents in Denver before picking her up. I know it doesn't sound so complicated now, but it took several hours and multiple phone calls to work out. The good news is I don't have to make the drive alone.

It was very cool of her to volunteer, and I am not listening to what the other family members are saying about this particular cousin. Several of my favorite family members find her self-centered and/or obnoxious. But I think she deserves a fair chance. But I won't assume she's a great person; I'll let her show me.

H called me tonight...just because! This is one of the things I listed as a baby step toward me when initially setting my goals for what I want. It makes me so happy. I know we have a l-o-n-g way to go, but it was a step. We talked about my travel plans and then about his work. I didn't get into trivial this and that...didn't even tell him much about the kids. If he wants to know what's going on then he'll have to ask. And then I told him I was going to bed, goodnight. He seemed really surprised, like he expected me to just sit and talk to him indefinitely.

And I'm also furious/disappointed. I will get to my new house on the 15th or 16th. On the 31st he will go to a 2 week school in Texas! I know, I know; life isn't fair. But seriously?!! When do the separations end? I'd even take a few months with him! Some days I hate the Army. But the upside is that this is a no contact school. For the duration he cannot have any contact with the outside world. Granted this means no calling me "just because" but he also can't call the OW. Maybe I'm getting too much satisfaction out of that...

Anybody think that perhaps while he's away at school would be a good time to tell her I'm married? I still feel like a coward for waiting until after the move. But I'll live. She has a right to know if she doesn't already. And if she does, well then she's going to know I'm well-informed and that this isn't some little secret between the two of them.

[Hose91]

Undefeated,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I had read yours as well, and like you, I feel like I have a lot of things to say to you. We're dual military, 3 kids, and I understand about schools and separation and that the military doesn't ever have the best interests of its soldiers/sailors in mind when it comes to those sort of things.

Also like you, I need to sort out what I'd like to say, and I'm at work, so it'll have to wait a bit.

In short, I'm happy for your progress, I think the move is a good thing, remember that not all stress comes from bad things, and therefore not all stress is negative. Moving is a BIG deal. I REALLY think you need to set a boundary with H about OM and A. I didn't, and I regret it terribly. W sort of came out of A on her own, I guess, although OM lingers in the background for her (he's moved on, I think, and until I set the boundary, she was still deriving some emotional comfort from occasionally reaching out to him via email) Once the boundary was set, I felt 100% better about myself, although you HAVE to be ready to go through with the consequences, which is really f'ing scary.

I appreciate the discussion a page or two back about being the better option vs doing things that seem mean. Trust me, your H knows how you feel, and being kind and courteous without pursuing is the way to go (although it really sucks sometimes). I've finally realized that I'm worth having, and truly believing it (and therefore acting that way), and I can see that that is very attractive to my W. Sigh. Why did it take 40 years to learn that?

There's probably more, and I'm sorry for being sorta shotgun all over the place, but know that you'll be ok, even if sometimes it doesnt feel that way. You've tackled some serious issues (bipolar, communication, A, etc) and it takes awhile sometimes for the dust to settle. I'll be back around, and maybe even answer some of your Q's over on my thread. Hang in there.

[bluerain]

Well, its moving day (at least I think it is!) I just wanted to tell you that I wish you safe travels! And minimal screaming miserable kids!

Have a good trip, and keep us posted!

[undefeated]

OK, my friends, a brief update - We are moved into the new house in AZ. The trip was not bad at all and I am very excited. I managed to surprise my H today when we went out to lunch. I was telling him about the butchered WalMart haircut on S4. And he jokingly said, "well I guess I could cut it again." The last time he did my DS ended up with a crooked bowl cut. But I just smiled and said, ok, that's fine with me, and meant it. He gave me the most puzzled look, like he was waiting for the punchline. Instead I said calmly and sincerely "Some things just don't matter that much. It's hair; the difference between a good haircut and a bad one is two weeks." I could see he was intrigued by this sudden easygoing streak of mine. Wish me luck! This is the second time this past week I have felt like my efforts are producing results.

Also, I will probably not be on here as much on the weekends. My H has computer skills I can't even begin to imagine exist. He could know and track everything that goes on on my computer remotely, and I would never know. He is a very high level computer geek. So I am hoping to avoid a lot of online time when he's around. I am not doing anything he could really complain about, but I want to keep him guessing if it is possible. Check on and talk to you all soon!

[bluerain]

Yay undefeated! Yeah, keep us your little secret, he doesnt need to find out about this page, and if he does, its a support group for troubled marriages, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. And thats even the truth! He cant deny that you two were in trouble, or that there has been value to the support that you have gotten from here.

He doesnt need to see your strategy though! So I hope that he doesnt find it! lol.

[undefeated]

Well, I have returned, but not quite as triumphant as perhaps I should be. First I want to share some good stuff!

Today I drove into the city just off the base, found the WalMart my H couldn't find in the last two weeks, and made it back home without getting lost! This may sound little to you, but for me it's like climbing a mountain. LOL, I am what is politely termed "geographically challenged." My house is about 85% unpacked and looks like a house rather than a box village. I love AZ; it is beautiful and I can't wait to explore all the things to do here!

And now for my M. I fell off the wagon. I won't lie; it was dumb. I knew better. Things were going so well with my H, I foolishly allowed myself to pretend/believe that things are better. The only result of that is me hurt and confused and him able to keep playing both sides of the fence. But I am headed back on track - no pursuing, no pursuing, no pursuing (insert to infinity).

I have been doing some of the things that were suggested - let him serve himself, go places and not ask him, ask him for help and not correct him. He brought home three wrong things from the grocery store and I said nothing! And he loaded the dishwasher totally crazy (on purpose I think) and I ran it exactly as it was, didn't move a thing.

And I have a dilemma too. I'm hoping Hose is hanging around to have some input here. My H has PTSD. How could any of our soldiers not? And I want to be very clear - I do not think this is an excuse for the A. But I am afraid that the approach to cope with the one may worsen the other. He feels trapped inside his own mind - his own words. He feels totally isolated. It's hard to watch. I am beginning to fear that even if I don't lose him to the OW, I will lose him to the demons in his head.

On the up side, my H has not been calling, texting, IM'ing, or e-mailing the OW since we got here, not from the house anyway. I know that five days hardly constitutes a breakthrough. But I was afraid he would flaunt it at every opportunity. And now it sucks whenever he goes anywhere alone because I remember how it was. I could make a thirty minute errand last three hours so I could talk to my ex OM. And so I envision my H doing the same thing.

But despite my many frailties and failings, I have not directly asked my H about the A or the OW at all. I have foolishly alluded to them, but I try to resist. For example, he called me just before the move and told me about fixing someone's computer for them. No big surprise, that's what he does all day. But apparently this person was so relieved they said ILY to my H. Normally not something that would even get my attention. But under the current circumstances, it sort of rankled. I made the mistake of asking (jokingly) if this was a guy. Of course it wasn't. And then I was really mad because some complete non-entity of a woman can say ILY to my H and I can't. There have been a couple other slip-ups like that, but rarely.

I'm just sort of in a valley right now, so hang in there with me, my friends. Thanks.

[bluerain]

Hi Undefeated, mama said there'd be days like this didnt she? lol Your doing fine. Even if you have a few rough days. What happened to make you think that you had messed up? Have you done any research into PTSD? Its a tough one. But I dont think that it should change your approach. Especially if your approach includes no longer being hyper-critical and making sure to not yell or any of that.

Im glad that you are getting settled in to your new place! Ill bet that the change in climate is a welcome one for you!

[undefeated]

Ugh, I hate to think of all the ways my efforts have gone wrong in the week I've been here. Would you like them alphabetically or chronologically? There are moments...ok whole days when I wish I had gotten a place in Nebraska near but not with my parents, taken the reporter's job, and never come here. Though I do love this place and my family.

And I hate laying bare all my failings on such a public forum; it sucks to admit them at all.

First of all, remember that boundary I was going to set about sex? Yep, right out the window only three days here. The silver lining is I never actually told him the boundary, so at least he doesn't know I was failing. And the thing is, we do connect in that time together. Surprisingly he is actually ML, but afterward I always wonder to whom. Is it me? or is he just imagining her? That thought had me leaving our room last night afterward so he wouldn't see/hear me crying and have the knowledge that it hurts me. not that he probably didn't know I was crying, but I didn't have to lay there and cry right next to him, knowing he wasn't going to comfort me.

And I hate that he's going to know when he gets home from work that I have been crying today too. My face gets all blotchy and stays that way for hours.

This morning my S4 was babbling away at breakfast (nothing new there ) and mention that daddy is friends with (OW name). I was furious. I, of course, have known her name for a month and a half, but how dare he?!! That means he took a phone call from her while with S4 and then told him who it was! And my son is not stupid. He will pick up on daddy being loving toward someone other than mommy.

While my H was watching the news this morning after that there was something about the capitol. And he said, "I've stood right there!" Well duh! I know he went there with OW. And I think it was low and disrespectful to remind me of that. But I didn't say that. I had an egg in my hand (I was preparing to cook my breakfast) and he looked at me like he thought I intended to chuck it as his head. The thought had crossed my mind but I would just end up cleaning up the mess anyway. He asked me what was wrong, and I stupidly told him.

I asked how exactly S4 knew OW's name. And I told him I had known it for some time and did he think I wouldn't figure it out with her posting to his FB every single day and saying things like "how am I supposed to make it through this time without you?" He said he wasn't trying to keep it from me (liar) and that if he really wanted to keep me from knowing anything he would just unfriend me. To which I responded that he underestimated me. And now he will probably change all his passwords at his first opportunity. I tipped my hand. But now I hope he's sweating, wondering exactly how much I know. Unluckily for him I don't just keep my evidence on my computer. I kind of doubt he would have been so nonchalant if he realized how much I have.

He may re-enlist soon, and he asked me if I would mind living in Maryland or New Jersey. I am sure it was to get a rise out of me, but I still reacted. I told him absolutely not! I won't go and live within driving distance of his b**** girlfriend! How dare he?!! Shouldn't have responded, d*** it all.

He plays with the kids so well, and I hardly play at all. It seems like I don't know how. And I know he's watching that. It drives him crazy that I can't loosen up. And I'm trying, but he doesn't seem to see it.

Those I guess are the big battles I've lost, but there have been dozens of minor skirmishes and I keep losing those too. He provokes and I respond. He disrespects me and I say nothing. He ignores his responsibilities and I do them instead. He leaves messes all over the house (how hard is it to put your mug in the sink and throw away your soda cans?!) and I clean it up because I can't stand the mess.

I miss physical contact, not sexual, just casual. And he knows. And he doesn't care.He comes home and goes to the garage or our room and leaves me to deal with the kids, despite having already had them all day. He complains to OW that he hates kitchen Nazis and yet refuses to cook.

I'm going crazy. I feel like I've not only lost all the ground I gained but have given up even more. I'm at step -4 or something.

And I've often thought up little speeches telling him to just get on with D proceedings because I don't want to live like this. I want to tell him to move out of this house until he decides to get rid of OW. But I don't say them. Because I know I won't back them up. If he calls my bluff I will look weak. And I would be bluffing.

And I have been wondering whether or not to put our family pictures up on the wall. He doesn't look happy in them, but they are still of us together. But I doubt reminding him would be productive. They make me remember happier times, but they also make me sad. He doesn't look happy in any picture, even when we were dating. He's always told me he just doesn't like pictures. But he looks so happy with her.

So that's my week in a nutshell. I was dealing with him much better from NE, but I like the environment for my kids and having my own house more. And trying not to let on to my family what is going on is getting harder as I become more miserable.