Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Trent,

The reason I think that is the case is, as soon as we were together, she began talking about counseling etc. Again, it could of just been spew.

1. I want to be able to trust my wife at all times. This can only happen through complete honesty and transparency.

2. I want to be able to communicate with my wife in a thoughtful, loving way, without sweeping the uncomfortable things under the carpet.

3. I want to improve my listening skills, and be able to LISTEN to my wife, and what is important to her-like going out dancing, dinner, etc.

[TrentC]

Those sound like great places to start.

Keep those in mind; whether or not it's for reconciling with your wife, or starting a new relationship.

[TrentC]

I obviously still love her, but all the things she has done/is doing, just disgusts me, and I am not sure I can get past it all.

Just as she's not in a place to feel remorse for what she's doing, you're not in a place where you can forgive her yet.

The important thing will be if and when she agrees to reconcile, and is willing to break off contact with the OM and work to rebuild trust. That's when you have to make the decision.

[SoldierDad]

Trent,

Yep, working on it.

I'm not sure I want to hang onto any hope with my W, that is what I am struggling with right now. I am hurt pretty bad, and not sure I can get past that.

I feel, that if she came completely clean, and admitted to what she has done in counseling, that we could somehow work through this crap. But, how does one convey that to WAS when WAS wants nothing to do with LBS?

I will continue to DB, as well as GAL, etc.

[SoldierDad]

Trent,

my W is really acting in a destructive manner right now. She is seeking comfort from different men.

I accept what she is doing is destructive, and know that I can't help her find her way-she HAS to want to do the work.

Right now, my W thinks what she is doing is what she has been missing in her life. I'm not sure if I will be there when she finds out it isn't what she really wanted...

[TrentC]

I feel, that if she came completely clean, and admitted to what she has done in counseling, that we could somehow work through this crap. But, how does one convey that to WAS when WAS wants nothing to do with LBS?

Time. It will take time, most of all. Like I said, neither of you are in a place for that to happen yet.

I'm not saying you should wait for her, but just be open to the opportunity if it is provided to you.

So I wouldn't worry about it right now. Just deal with the spew and the anger as best you can.

[CityGirl]

Was your W aware of your occupation and all it involved when she married you? If so I am confused as to why you being deployed would "hurt her"? I can see her being scared for you, missing you and feeling overwhelmed (although I know there are extensive resources and networks for the deployed soldiers spouse to use and participate in so there really is no excuse) but hurt because you were doing a job that she was fully aware that you had and all that it entailed?

I just found that to be such an odd comment. It is almost like you are looking for a reason for her behavior. You should accept responsibility for YOUR role in the breakdown of the marriage but thinking for a second she is reacting from being "hurt" because you "left her" for your job in the MILITARY seems like quite a stretch!

[SoldierDad]

CityGirl,

Yes, when I M my W I was already in the Army.

I'm not looking for a reason, or explanation for her, rather, I was merely speculating as to why she was doing what she was doing.

In the past I didn't acknowledge the stress and pain she was in because of my deployments, and I think that contributed as well.

I care about what she is doing, as I don't want to be put in this position in the future, wether it is with my W, or anyone else. I want to learn from what is happening to us, and not make the same mistakes ever again.

[CityGirl]

Try really had not to speculate. Most of the time you will be wrong (as most of us LBS were when we speculated) and it will just drive you nuts.

I am sure she was sad and stressed while you were deployed and I can't pretend to know what that might feel like. BUT what did she do to take control of her feelings while you were deployed that was healthy and positive? It doesn't sound like much.

I read your post as if YOU should take accountability for being deployed for your job! Now if you treated her poorly while you were deployed, well, you will need to own that but you can't own "her" deployment issues that she had the power to work on.

[SoldierDad]

I have admitted to my mistakes, to her and to the board.

My issues with my W were that we had trust issues due to her past lying and deceit.

We NEVER got help for that, rather, we just swept it under the rug. I think that enabled her to continue with this type of behavior and maybe ENCOURAGED it, by me not taking any action-classic doormat.

I make no excuses for my W's behavior. I just wish I understood it.