Wow, rr22 really good advice. I'll have to read up on your sitch. You have no idea what a relief it is to hear my H is doing somethings that someone else is doing. It is all so confusing, this "training to be in a reactive state by constant exposure to the noxious stimuli of his rejection". I love that. I mean, I hate it, because for nine months, it has been true. It's a relief to know that he's not the only one doing these things because it makes me feel less at fault, less alone, and more like, hey, if this is typical, then I can see it as BS.
If you read my previous sitch, I've come a long way to be where I am. However, your advice is timely because I'm just now starting to see that taking space is for ME, not something I'm giving him in hopes to "get him back". We are separated, he has an apt., but he's here 3-4 nights per week because of our S5. Me going out too much all the time was an issue pre-bomb, so I've often thought being around more was a 180 for me.
But I'm making smaller space making steps, like not calling, not inviting him places (I learned that one the hard way this week!) and you're absolutely right, the next step is to turn him down. That's tough when he never invites me anywhere lol. But I'm sure I'll be able to give him the vibe.
He keeps testing me about my birthday like "What are you doing for your birthday?" (ie not including him) and "You should do this or that" (still without him), but today said, "If you go to X, I may swing by and have a beer." Like I'm supposed to be so thrilled that he would grace me with his presence. It was a big step for me not to invite him and tell him I wanted him to do something for my birthday, but you're right, a bigger step would be to perhaps uninvite him! I acted very cool when he offered to "swing by" = I did not show I cared one way or the other. I just started talking about all the other people I would invite!
