I read a lot of your situation. I think a separation would help you get a hold of your panic reactions so he can't successfully test you by pushing your buttons. Also, I think you are being trained to stay in a reactive, upset state by constant exposure to the noxious stimuli of his rejection. It hurts like hell and is unnatural for you not to be in grief and pain.
I'm in a situation eerily similar to yours, and now in separation while I'm trying to get off the emotional rollercoaster that is still going on, I'm not having my behavior observed and inspected and judged by my WAS whenever he wants.
Does this make sense? And yes, mine is both testing me just like yours is, all the while doing things he has accused me of doing, saying me doing some similar stuff in past is why he "had" to leave me, doing that stuff to me pretty often now, and watching to see if I'll do it back to him. All the while withholding love, affection, etc. because it is easy for him to go without because he has his resentment to fuel him. Does this sound famililar?
I can only tolerate so much of this behavior for the long-term if I get some distance and privacy. I think you should also start regularly turning him down on a few invitations. Otherwise they begin to act like they are giving you a gift you should grovel for. Be kind about it. Just be busy. He will take notice. When sepration agreement is finalized, tell him you've been thinking some distance is a good idea and never clarify why you think this.
