Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Trent,

Life was pretty good. We have always had some communication problems, but always found ways to work through them.

We were tight on money-but that was due to her not being able to balance a budget, and yes, I allowed that, as she alwyas told me that we were ok. I didn't get involved in the bills, she did them all.

We had just bought our first home etc.

I dunno, I think that once I was gone, she started hanging out with her friend from work, and I wasn't there for her emotionally, and she was hurting because I was gone, so she has been looking for that fulfillment from other men.

[TrentC]

That was my theory as to how this got started.

A lot of military families have suffered from extended deployments and the like.

So remind me -- what was the first clue that something was wrong in your relationship? Not just the usual "I love you, I miss you, why can't you come home" stuff, but something that was said or done that made you go "hey, something isn't right here"?

[SoldierDad]

I had called her one night, it was a Saturday night around 9 pm. She didn't answer her cell the frist time I called, so I called again. She answered, and when I asked her where she was, she said that she was at "some old folks bar". Well, I knew she was at the casino, as my boys had told me that was where she was going. When I asked her why she lied to me-she siad that she didn't, it really was an old folks bar.

Also, she sent me a risque pic from her work cell phone-5 days after she took it. I looked at the properties of the pic, and she had taken it 5 days earlier. It just didnt feel right.

Also, my W has always stretched the truth, or not told the whole story to make things right, I guess I just didn't trust her.

Anyway, that was the beginning of my doubt, and it just continually got worse.

[Virtually_Handsome]

when I asked her where she was

Why?

[TrentC]

I'm asking because I'm trying to get a feel for what things were like beforehand.

It sounds like, if by some miracle you get to the point where you can work it out, she needs to work on truthfulness. Not just about where she goes and what she does, but the things like the bill paying.

How was she about you getting deployed? Some spouses, oddly enough, resent their SO's getting deployed, even though that's pretty much in the job description.

[SoldierDad]

VH, I heard music in the background. Usually my W would tell me when she was going out-especially if I was deployed. It had something to do with trust as well.

[SoldierDad]

Trent,
I agree with the truth thing. This is something my W has struggled with for as long as I have known her. Not sure why I put up with that?

Ok, this is strange, but she ALWAYS re-assured me that we would be STRONGER after the deployments, that we would re-connect, and our marriage would be better.

I think, she does resent me leaving, and her behavior is linked to that. She wants to hurt me for leaving her-I dunno, I could be WAAAAAAYYY off base.

[Virtually_Handsome]

SD, what you've been doing, well, it isn't working! Do something different. Next time, don't ask. Youi ask, she thinks you are trying to control her, she lies. She'd lie even if there was no reason to, right now.

Detach. Detach. Detach.

That's my opinion, anyway!

[TrentC]

I think, she does resent me leaving, and her behavior is linked to that. She wants to hurt me for leaving her-I dunno, I could be WAAAAAAYYY off base.

I don't know that you are. I know it doesn't make it feel any better, but it's something to consider.

So now would be a good time to think of 3 things that you wish were stronger or better in your marriage. Don't dwell on negatives like "I wish my wife would stop sleeping around"; think of positive changes, like "I want to be able to discuss our relationship more openly and honestly".

I know it seems crazy to think about working on the R in the state it's in. But it's more about knowing what you want for yourself and from your spouse in a healthy relationship.

[SoldierDad]

VH,

I am. I had a rough weekend-they always are.

My thing is this: I'm not sure I want to reconcile with her.

I obviously still love her, but all the things she has done/is doing, just disgusts me, and I am not sure I can get past it all.

I'm not sure there is another opportunity out there for either of us. I can't read her mind, but from her messages-she is done.

Sooo, I am just detaching, and moving forward with the D, as originally she wanted. I have good legal representation, and am in a good place as far as that goes.