Can you advise further on pros and cons of tracking phone and internet history? Anything else that you think I need to do. I greatly value your input.
First let me say that I think you did a great job. And, you do need to be sensitive to the fact her mother is going into a very serious surgery and timing is everything in DBing.
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Can you advise further on pros and cons of tracking phone and internet history? Anything else that you think I need to do. I greatly value your input.
I just don't know that much about computers. I have read advice that Puppy Dog Tails has given others about it, but I think it would be to prove that the W is in an A. You do not want to be obsessive about it and allow it to control your life. You are correct, the WAW can find other ways to communicate with OM if she so chooses. After you confront her about knowing of her A, then you have to mainly make your life about you instead of her (which sounds selfish, but it is for detaching purposes....as well as other reasons that I don't have time to expound.)
I hope you did not tell OM's W about your toolbox (the DB board) b/c I think she just might reveal that to your W in a fit of anger and jealousy. Anyway, the less you make contact with that OW....the better. I say that based on what you have described about her. It would not be healthy, IMO. Does your W know about OM's W talking to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I checked W's match.com account and she resigned the account today (she doesn't know I have access to it) which makes me hopeful. Yes, I know I need to make life about me now. That will be my challenge but I'm growing stronger day by day and learning how. Not depressed like at first but still have some sleep issues.
I did not tell OM's W about DR and DBing or this board. I shared a few tidbits of how I was dealing with things and I think she was surprised that I have a different approach than anger/resentment or being desperate to hold on. I agree that she is too unstable with her anger and she would use anything to her advantage. I will never contact her and didn't encourage her to contact me. She's contacted me twice and I hope this was the last. W does not know I talked to her either time. I see no reason for her to know. Do you agree? Surgery for MIL went well today. All in all a good day even though we had minimal time together today. Sometime I would like to hear your reasons why making life about me and detaching does not come across as selfish to a WAW.
W does not know I talked to her either time. I see no reason for her to know. Do you agree?
Yes, I do agree with you. At this time, she doesn't need all that stress on her. There may come a time later that if you feel she should know then you might tell her. I would play that one by ear.
Just remember that it will take a long time and she will still have mood swings.
Doing big 180's and looking attractive....and acting attractive is so important. It will be tempting to want to smother her during this time with her mother, but act like a good friend and don't push.
Good job.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/06/1012:03 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Steve McQ: denial of their responsibility for making the wrong choice to take their needs outside of the M. From all I have read, almost all WAS blameshift and deny their contribution and make it totally the fault of the LBS. I tried for years to get her to open up to me and talk about relationship issues/needs but she wouldn't. Together we now acknowledge poor communication to be both our faults. I did not know how to stand up for my needs so I would try to guilt her into meeting my needs or using covert contracts (if I do this, she should do that). Her issue is she has never trusted me or anyone because of her abuse history. We were set up for failure before the M began. Within 2 months of being married she had flashbacks to the abuse and shut down with me, never to open up again except for brief moments. How is an average male supposed to handle 21 years of sexual refusal and average once every 3 months? I lived with resentment for years.
The anger stage about the affair for me was brief and controlled and think it is why I didn't react to the OM's W telling me it really was a PA and not just an EA. One of the main things that pushed her away from me was I had become angry and resentful for years over the lack of sex. She thought it was the only reason I was married her. I have been in a men's recovery group at our chuch that tremendously helped me deal with anger before I found out about the affiar. Had I not already learned how to stop and release anger I would be one of those people trying to exact revenge or filing for divorce and going to war. Not healthy for me and gives the M no chance of surviving. I'm keeping open the options of the M to survive or for me to move on with someone who will meet my needs in a healthy relationship. The old one with my W is dead.
Sandi2: thanks for your affirmation and support as always. I'm doing the best I can to look attractive and I'm doing much better with not trying to push anything and it all seems to be paying off but I know I'll struggle with patience wanting to know if/when we can reconcile or call it quits. I saw the mood swings on our vacation. 6 months to a year or more of this uncertainty just seems so long and not sure how long I can live without needs being met before I tell her I'm done and she has no choice.
Steve McQ: denial of their responsibility for making the wrong choice to take their needs outside of the M. From all I have read, almost all WAS blameshift and deny their contribution and make it totally the fault of the LBS. I tried for years to get her to open up to me and talk about relationship issues/needs but she wouldn't. Together we now acknowledge poor communication to be both our faults. I did not know how to stand up for my needs so I would try to guilt her into meeting my needs or using covert contracts (if I do this, she should do that). Her issue is she has never trusted me or anyone because of her abuse history. We were set up for failure before the M began. Within 2 months of being married she had flashbacks to the abuse and shut down with me, never to open up again except for brief moments. How is an average male supposed to handle 21 years of sexual refusal and average once every 3 months? I lived with resentment for years.
interesting.
what if it wasnt a "wrong choice?"
that it was actually the right choice for them to find their peace and happiness.
realize their "needs" were not being met, and worse, then, being forced into sexual situations they did not want and had personal/private issues with, and if they worked on healing themselves they were then threathened with "life as they know it" (family, security, love) being taken away from them. My lord. Thats some serious crap to deal with for years on end.
I think as SmartCookie described, a numb feeling comes over someone and they do what they can just to survive in the situation until they can find an escape.
whose decides what is the right or the wrong choice, and what another person's form of peace and happiness is? how long as person must endure? they may have actually moved beyond denial, beyond anger and depression and came to an acceptance with their life. think about it.
Living with resentment for 21 years is an issue that should not be ignored. Come to terms with that. It may help you to understand why someone would become a WAS. It may help you woth your current unhappiness.
Living with resentment for 21 years is an issue that should not be ignored. Come to terms with that. It may help you to understand why someone would become a WAS. It may help you woth your current unhappiness.
When is having an affair ever a "right choice"? My opinion is that if you have unmet needs, you take them to your spouse and work together to meet them. If they refuse, you live with it or you S or D and move on without a 3rd party. It's my Christian belief. I'm not against divorce but I am against affairs but know that we are all human and succumb. Others may disagree and I can respect that.
I understand her needs were not met but I NEVER demanded or forced her in any way to have sex. She was always the gatekeeper for sex and she was in total control of that. My W is no wall flower and is never coerced into anything. Maybe you were referring to the abuse being forced on her but it was not me. I do agree with you about her being numb from her unhappiness and unmet needs and fully understand and accept my part of not meeting her emotional needs and why she had the affair but it still does not justify an affair IMO. Are you saying it does?
I also agree about the resentment issue for me. It's why I went to a recovery group to get rid of it and feel pretty good about it being gone. I will always have the memory and scar from it but it no longer owns me nor is it part of my life. Even my W has told me that.
Has your W shown you enough to convince you that she understands the importance of trust in a relationship and that she wants to rebuild your trust in her? I'm thinking that if she was having an PA with someone who was also having a PA, it seems that she didn't consider either family.
May God help you with your tough choices ahead, together or apart.
Working- look at things from your WAS' perspective. It is helpful. It helped me, truly look at the M and the shortcomings from your S point of view, it will help you communicate in the future and help you act appropriately using DB tactics. Having an A is wrong, period, but look at what helped drive S to that situation from their point of view. Also will help you in realizing why things progress (or don't progress) so slowly. I'm no vet, I'm leaning on the experts here every day, and I screw up all the time. The 2x4s I've gotten from here are my saviors, but this is one I learned along the way that has helped.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
