What Now?

[WhatNow]

But contacting him is opening a door to hurt you. Every time you are in contact with him it will remind you of the A

This is the gift of darkness. The wondering has stopped. Is he with her now? Did he just go the bathroom to call her? And on and on....self-torture.

It took a week or so for me to get out of the habit of seeking him out (either in the house, or the phone) to discuss an issue with the kids or the house). I no longer have to remind myself that he isn't here. I had stopped just chatting and sharing stuff in my life with him months ago.

It seems I 180'd OK for the last 6 months with a few backslides. 180 seemed to make him happy with the way things were, him juggling both relationships. He thought it was going well, and I was going to go along with that as a way of life. This is why I am sure he won't be back. He will tell himself That we are fine and don't need or want him around...or we would call and contact him. That may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

He has perfected compartmentalization. Out of sight,
out of mind for him. His lies are mostly to himself. I was able to shoot down the biggest justification for the affair...I was a bad wife, mother, housekeeper, kids were bad...etc.
But for some reason, he still feels entitled to act on his feelings, inspite of the feelings for me, and the commitment he made to me. Compartmentalization is the only way I can understand his abandonment of our children. He has also justified it with "I am no good for them". He is a psychologist and can't see his own distorted thinking patterns and irrationality. But I realize I can't help him.

I also realized just this morning, I can replace him in my life much easier than he has replaced me. I can keep my life and have a rich emotional relationship. He has had to sacrifice evrything for a "in love" feeling that won't last. That realization frees me from having to prove it to myself. Our friends have enveloped me, sweeping me along with them, taking me out, etc. This has helped a lot. It is interesting to watch which friends have stepped in/up and which have stepped away. Hmmm... Our families are useless. They have tried to figure out how to use the situation to their advantage.

Having said all this, I see DBing, going dark, as a way to ease the path to divorce, rather than a way to save a marriage.

[WhatNow]

Re: transparency....

He is a very good liar... he even lied about leaving.
I asked him if he was packing..(I have good intuition)He said NO, just cleaning up, at 11 am , and he was gone by 7am the next morning. ??? Why lie about that...just a new habit for him I guess.

I would have to be a better spy and computer hacker I suppose.
1. get rid of "secret phone".
2. Hand over all passwords.
3. Take me or one of the kids along on strange errands.

Alot of them will relate to his "affair behaviors". No phone in the bathroom sounds a bit extreme but that is what I would need to have happen to assure me he wasn't texting her in there.

For some strange reason, he feels entitled to trust. Last Mar after the first return, He disappeared for an afternoon, and I asked him if he was with her. He said "see, it was a test, because she is out of town and he wanted to see if I would think they were together"...a test!!! Of my trust in him!!! I told him he didn't have to test me. I would tell him there wasn't any trust and I would assume if he wasn't with me, I would assume he was with her, if I didn't have any other way to know otherwise.

A transparency plan would have to be very detailed and long, I think.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

A transparency plan would have to be very detailed and long, I think.

Not necessarily. A GPS on his car (where you can log on via internet and see where he is), a new cellphone # (with detailed billing, which comes to you), and a keylogger on his computer. Those three things would be about 90% "fireproof."

And (the more likely scenario) -- if he BALKS at any or all of them -- you can be 100% sure that he's still having contact with her.

That all being said, if he was SERIOUS about moving her into your home, I'd be gone-gone-GONE, and I'd throw everything I had at him, and then some, legally.

But that's just me.

Puppy

[WhatNow]

I think he would like to have us both in one place. But this ain't Colorado City!!!! I can't imagine OW wanting to move in with me still here, although I am sure she wants to replace me and live my life, have my beautiful home, raise my kids, have my friends, etc. (According to common acquiantences, she wants kids of her own and at age 58, 5 kids..3 still at home for the 3 here to get over this abandonment. Kids do not care about parental happiness at their expense)...5 grandkids, and a vasec...he is not going to start over. His 5 are NOT going to have anything to do with her. It would take many many years. 2 years into their A, he has yet to introduce her to anyone...maybe he hasn't found the right bag for her head. I am no beauty but she is at best. gross. She is smart and is playing this pretty well. She did not account for our bond, 25 years, 3 kids, and loads of sacrifice, etc., that keeps him attached to me. She was only married ayear or two b4 they met at work, and has no kids, no bond as deep as ours can be imagined until felt/tested.

Legally, as long as keeps paying the bills, I am fine like this, at the moment.

That plan sounds too simple. I would want to put in place ways to check on the checkers!

I know I am going off on rants...trying to believe half of what I say.

[WhatNow]

Ok..I have resolved the "miss you" and choose to ignorre it as I think it is his attempt to jerk the string and pull me in again, or take the temperature, or whatever...it is not in my best interest to respond.

But..

He needs to put money in the household account and I have always had to remind him this time of month to avoid going into overdraft.

1. I can call to remind him.
2. I can email to remind him.
3. Not remind him, and let him figure it out on his own.

I want to do #3, but also I do not want to give him a real reason for hostility towards me. Does that matter?

[undefeated]

Ok..I have resolved the "miss you" and choose to ignorre it as I think it is his attempt to jerk the string and pull me in again, or take the temperature, or whatever...it is not in my best interest to respond.

Good for you. He can only prove he really misses you by cutting off contact with the OW. Otherwise it's just guilt talking. Or you could be right - he may be taking the temperature; keep you warm enough to fall back on but cool enough toward him to not interfere with his "other life." You deserve better than to be put on hold until he gets himself together and makes a choice.

He needs to put money in the household account and I have always had to remind him this time of month to avoid going into overdraft.

1. I can call to remind him.
2. I can email to remind him.
3. Not remind him, and let him figure it out on his own.

I want to do #3, but also I do not want to give him a real reason for hostility towards me. Does that matter?

Seriously tough choice here. If he overdraws the account, how does it affect you? If it affects his credit (eventually if it becomes a habit with him) and you are still married your credit will take a hit too. Also, not only is there the money that is overdrawn - there are fees, penalties, etc. Does this affect you getting money in the future? I mean, does he make enough to recoup what got screwed up and give you the correct amount next month? I wish we could find you a door #4 instead.

I can't imagine OW wanting to move in with me still here, although I am sure she wants to replace me and live my life, have my beautiful home, raise my kids, have my friends, etc.

Sadly, you'd be surprised. When I was the OW I actually moved in with my OM and his W. I had no problem with it. It was weird. She would help me take care of my son and I was living there sleeping with her H. I look back and wonder why she didn't kick my a$$ to the curb, both literally and figuratively!

So I wouldn't assume his OW would be averse to the moving in with you, if you were to allow it. But you obviously respect yourself more than that, thank goodness. But don't expect their choices, actions, plans, or even expectations to make any sense.

This is the gift of darkness. The wondering has stopped. Is he with her now? Did he just go the bathroom to call her? And on and on....self-torture.

I'm proud of you for this attitude! I want to be in that place too, to stop wondering what he's doing, how often he's calling her, blah, blah, blah. I hope I get there soon.

He is a psychologist and can't see his own distorted thinking patterns and irrationality.

Good grief. I have heard it said that most psychologists subconsciously get into that profession to heal their own maladies. I have no idea if this is true; he doesn't seem to be doing a very good job, though, does he?

I know I am going off on rants...trying to believe half of what I say.

So the A has obviously been going on for awhile, but are you new to DB'ing? Because if you are, couple things:

1. Go read the beginning of my thread if you want to see ranting, justifying, and utter bewilderment

2. I know these methods seem counterproductive - a letting go to ease a divorce - but there are people who have used these principles to turn their marriages around. Check out Puppy Dog Tails' story. It's an encouraging read.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Legally, as long as keeps paying the bills, I am fine like this, at the moment.

And HE KNOWS THIS, which is why you're in LIMBO for two years.

That plan sounds too simple. I would want to put in place ways to check on the checkers!

You've tried your way for two years. Why not try something "simple?" If nothing else, you'll have clarity, and some incredibly good intel with which to use as you see fit.

Puppy

[chatterbug]

A transparency plan would have to be very detailed and long, I think.

Not necessarily. A GPS on his car (where you can log on via internet and see where he is), a new cellphone # (with detailed billing, which comes to you), and a keylogger on his computer. Those three things would be about 90% "fireproof."

And (the more likely scenario) -- if he BALKS at any or all of them -- you can be 100% sure that he's still having contact with her.

That all being said, if he was SERIOUS about moving her into your home, I'd be gone-gone-GONE, and I'd throw everything I had at him, and then some, legally.

But that's just me.

Puppy

Ditto.

As for the money.

If you cannot deal with this on your own. Perhaps its time to sell and move to a place where you will not depend on his income.

p.s.

Option 4 would be to have it set up to automatically be deposited into the account.

[undefeated]

Option 4 would be to have it set up to automatically be deposited into the account.

LOL, I feel as though that was a total "duh" moment for me.

[WhatNow]

Thanks for all the input. I have thought about this off and on all day. I have decided to email him a reminder about what needs to be deposited, when and why each month. The biggest reason I want to do this is to show him that I am functioning and taking care of business as usual, rather than distraught and unable to get out of bed.

As far as our finances go, I will always be dependent on his income. I have been a sahm for 20 years, no hope of returning to my career. My income wouldn't make a dent in our monthly expenses. I have been assured alimony until our retirement account kicks in. Not a good time to sell assets either...we'd both get screwed.