NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

I'm with you. I feel my WA is in an exit affair. Hell, it's not even an affair: he is in a new relationship. He may have started it inappropriately, and left the one he was in for 23 years inappropriately--but I don't see what I gain by thinking of it as an "affair" anymore.

I agree with you there. However Cutter did convince me that maybe it wasn't an exit affair. Some other things have come up too which make me think it wasn't. But other than that, our sitch is the same ... it's a new relationship rather than some sordid A.

My WA is completely a conflict avoider. Trying to imagine him going through the conflict to end A; approach me to see if I am available, etc., etc., is almost laughable.

BINGO. Same here. I can't imagine her kicking OM out at all. I can't imagine her approaching my door and talking to me. I can't even imagine her texting me to ask to meet. When I went NC, she saw that as me moving on and she won't come back now. This I do know.

Because he is such a strong conflict avoider and people pleaser, I still fear that unless I "somehow" let him know that I am approachable for a possible R, he will never overcome the guilty/conflict avoidance/fear of rejection to even put a pinky toe in to test the waters.

LOL. Yep. Here too. They don't seem to see that what they have done is walk away with somebody else. If we do it, they will see that as rejection and won't come back. What they do is of no consequence - we do the same and we're history.

There is nothing I can do about this. Absolutely nothing. However, what I ask myself is do I REALLY want a woman in my life who doesn't even have the COURAGE to stand up and say what she wants regardless of the outcome? Do you want somebody in your life who won't fight for you? I don't. But it doesn't stop me loving her.

I didn't get any WAS "script." I didn't get any "typical" WAS pattern. All I got was everything fine and dandy; a few weeks in July when I knew something was wrong, and then "I'm done."

I have had the WAS script since then. The behaviours. The attitude. The contact. That has all be pretty much script. However since NC the script has gone but I don't think there is a script after NC.

So--I can't see that I am DB'ing here. What DB'ing is there to do? Besides for me, of course!

But that is DBing? You are working on yourself. You can't control your WAH, only yourself. So you work on what you can - yourself.

It is frustrating to read about "do what works" and "cheeseless tunnels" when I can't do anything--in relation to him--that I could see working/not working to monitor, etc., in text-book DB fashion.

This I do agree with. But that's why NC is called the Last Resort Technique. It will make or break your marriage. Once in NC there is no DBing the enemy. Only yourself. But by DBing yourself you are in fact DBing the enemy anyway ... IYSWIM!

I don't know that I would take him back if he asked tomorrow--which is a big change--but I also don't believe that anything I am or could do would change the trajectory of the "done" R.

Remember you can't control him. So why are you beating yourself up about not being able to DB him? It's easy to say 'work on you' but that's all you can do. Everything else is outwith your control.

Things I am doing to protect myself:
<SNIP>

You're doing a lot here. You are protecting yourself. Very important.

I wrote earlier that I must take hope out and stab it through the heart with a stake, etc.

Ahhhhh ... that's what I want to do too. Today I have no hope. I have no interest. I have no care about the M, R or W. I feel good. Tired but good. I know that rollercoaster won't last, but I'm happy where I am at now.

Now, if you ever find the hope. Let me know and we can stab it together.

On a more practical note, I need to listen to books on my ipod to give my mind something else to think about. I realized today while working on a mindless (normally a nice soothing thing to do) that I was CONSTANTLY thinking about X and the sitch.
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I have stopped thinking about her so much. I still catch myself doing it, usually in bed - last thing at night or first in the morning. The thing that has helped me to stop thinking so much? Stop talking about it. Stop talking it to friend, family or anybody else. It's difficult to do but it has helped me. I'm actually at the stage now where I stop myself even mentioning her at all in casual conversations.