One day at a time....

[rockedworld]

Thanks Pearl,

I kinda like it when you get on your soap box!

My H's sister, who has been one of my main supports thru this sitch also had an A with a married man. When she saw what I was going thru, she had a whole new perspective on things. Just yesterday (which actually was part of what contributed to my day being rough) she admitted she and M man had remained in email contact, even tho he is still in his M and she is in a new R that has gotten very serious. I read her the riot act too, and she was very tearful about her realizations. I think she is seeing how selfish it is, and how unfair to everyone in the sitch. She is a good person, but she needs to address what is going on with her that she would make these choices. Actually, it is interesting because she and my H have been talking more and more about their childhood issues, wondering why both of them have made such bad choices in the last few years about R's when they both have previously had strong values and neither would have imagined themselves or each other making these choices.

Anyway, I do have a bit of time to myself today, so think I will write that letter, destroy it, and do my best to release it for now.

[addie]

Hi Rocked,

I, too, still hold hatred towards OW (although it's diminishing) and I've never hated anyone in my life. As everyone else has suggested, it's a great idea to write that letter to release some of your anger and destroy it. I can tell you from personal experience in having contacted OW a couple of times that it did no good. You would just be wasting your time. Most OP have no conscience. If they did they never would have gotten involved with a married person in the first place.

[courageous wife]

RW...I too feel that intense hate for the OW and never really knew what it was to hate someone! I've asked myself what kind of person knowingly tries to steal a father from his kids? A friend gave me "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey. There is a chapter in about why men cheat. In it he says that women who are willing to cheat with a married man "have no standards and requirements and who suffer from serious self-esteem issues, making themselves willing to cheat and available to be cheated on." I don't know if that helps at all! I have always had lower self-esteem but not THAT low!!! Makes us better than them because WE would never do that. right?

[Deep]

(((Rocked))).

"TALK" to OP? Oh, you wouldn't believe what I would like to do to him. Then again, it was good motivation for me to break a few personal weight records at the gym not to mention my Muay Thai class. Even today, I don't think either he or I would like to meet each other alone anywhere. I'm not _that_ sure of my self-control and knowledge I don't need to break a sweat to break him in 2. Better not to tempt fate .

Having said that, and this is for some of you who responded to Rocked, don't backslide into making excuses for your spouse. OP was only as damaging to your M and you as your spouse permitted him/her to be, or (as much as it hurts) as your spouse PURSUED and PERSUADED him/her to be. Just as some LBS get caught in their own fog in begging, pleading, whining etc before DB-ing, a WAS that shows remorse and reconciliation often triggers another fog (albiet a different one) in the LBS, where the OP is demonized and the ex-LBS goes through mood and perception swings towards ex-WAS.

If you think you could never cheat, or that you're intrinsically superior to OP - I say "Never say never". Many "reformed" OPs and WASs would have sworn they could never have seen themselves in that situation. And they look back "after" and can't believe what they did either.

Personally, I've walked on lines and through areas I never thought possible myself. And while I have no doubt of OM as scum and a predator, that does not blind me to certain other realities.

[courageous wife]

"If you think you could never cheat, or that you're intrinsically superior to OP - I say "Never say never". Many "reformed" OPs and WASs would have sworn they could never have seen themselves in that situation. And they look back "after" and can't believe what they did either."

This is why I should just stick to reading posts and learning from them and just offering hugs!!! :-)

[Deep]

Oops, sorry if that came across wrong. No offense meant, we're all here to share and give support . (CW)

[courageous wife]

No offense taken at all Deep!!! I am just still so new at all of this...I thought I was pumping RW up!!!

[rockedworld]

OK Deep and CW,

Here is my perspective... Deep (always nice to hear from you!) I think that you may be past this point in your own sitch, but for some of us still feeling raw, we need to believe we are better than OP for a while to cope with the damage done to our self esteem. It helps (and so, yes CW that does help pump me up) to think of it that way, so you can remember that you weren't discarded for some "better" option. We focus for awhile on all we have to offer, and we look at the character flaws and defects in the OP that caused them to make the choices they did that caused unbelievable damage and destruction in our lives.

That being said... I do know I can't stay in that frame of mind forever. I do know that we are all capable of behavior and choices we would have never imagined if certain circumstances were in our lives. Sure, I would like to think I would never be unfaithful in any way, and I never have been. But, I am human. We all are.

Someone on my thread (I think it was Pearl) recently talked about the distinction between a person who makes bad choices (which is how I am choosing to view my H right now because I have known him to be a good man for over twenty years) and a "bad person", or someone who repeatedly makes "bad choices" that wound other people, doesn't seem to change their behavior and continues to wound other people. From what I have learned about OW, this does seem to be the case about her. Because of that, I know I am a woman of honor and integrity, and her life does not reflect that. Does that make me a better person over all? That is debatable I guess. But, do I need to hang on to that right now to let my self esteem recover and to help my healing process. Yes, I do.

I pray I will not feel the hate, bitterness, and anger towards her forever. I know that only does damage to me in the long run. But, for now, I am not anywhere near ready to forgive, pray for her, or anything of the sort.

I did write the letter and ripped it up. It felt good. But, I think I am not done. I think there will be more letters to come.

[courageous wife]

RW-I continue to be in awe of how you are handling this! Well, put!

[Hope4us]

Here is my perspective... but for some of us still feeling raw, we need to believe we are better than OP for a while to cope with the damage done to our self esteem. It helps (and so, yes CW that does help pump me up) to think of it that way, so you can remember that you weren't discarded for some "better" option. We focus for awhile on all we have to offer, and we look at the character flaws and defects in the OP that caused them to make the choices they did that caused unbelievable damage and destruction in our lives.

That being said... I do know I can't stay in that frame of mind forever.

I think you're on to something here Rocked.

I read once, a long time ago, when a betrayed H said the best words he ever heard his W say were "you're a better man than OM".

Oh how I would love to hear that......but at the same time, as more distance is put between us and that f'er, I KNOW I don't need to hear that as I KNOW I'm a better man than he is. He's a POS, pond scum sucking, serial cheatin low life and I KNOW I'm a better man than he.

Doesn't mean it still wouldn't be nice to hear my W tell me that I AM a better man, but as our marriage recovers, the necessity of me hearing it from her gets less and less.

You have a great attitude and understanding of these kinds of messes, while there's still a lot of pain and questions that will run through your mind, you're doing ok.

H4U.