WAW in affair. Help!

[Gardener]

Norm,

Up to now, I’ve been very friendly with OM at the gym in order to keep the guard down. Now that the guard is up, I’m doing a 180. I’m going to SUDDENLY STOP being friendly. I won’t be overtly mean or nasty. But I will be COLD AS ICE. I’m going to make that guy as uncomfortable as I possibly can. I’m going make the both of them wonder what I know and/or how I know it. No more Mr. Niceguy.

I suspect W will just write it off. But I don’t think OM will. He has too much to lose. I’m going to make him as nervous as a cat in a room full of rockers.

I don’t have to stand idly by and watch this happen like a helpless baby, and I won’t. I’m done being the victim and I’m going on the offensive. Yes, W will get pissed. Let her. As someone else wrote, our marriage can handle her anger, but it cannot handle her adultery.

Gardener likes this!

Thanks to all who read and post. I love you all and my heart goes out to every one of you.

Norm

Thanks to you, too, Norm.

[Norm914]

Question…

Yesterday when W was at the house picking up some of her stuff she left her wedding band (ouch!). This was not a surprise. She told me she was going to return it because it is a family heirloom.

I have always worn my wedding band. Feel naked without it. And, I have continued to wear it since we separated. On one hand, I feel like wearing it makes the statement, “We ARE still married.” On the other hand, does continuing to wear it at this point make me look clingy? If so, that’s the last thing I want to do.

Any thoughts?

[patpat]

Norm

I still wear mine. I do not think it makes you look clingy. I think more that it shows that you value the marriage.

I will not take mine off until I decide that my marriage is over.

As long as there is still love in my heart, and the possibility exists, I will keep mine on...

And yes, you ARE still married....

[Norm914]

I will not take mine off until I decide that my marriage is over.

And yes, you ARE still married....

Thanks, Pat. This was kinda my thought as well – that I wouldn’t take the ring off until a divorce is final, if that’s how things turn out.

Sometimes I just want to shake my W and say, “HONOR YOUR VOWS!” Of course, I can’t do that. It would only drive her away. But it sure would feel good to say it.

[patpat]

I am soooooo with you my friend... just want to shake some sense back into her. They are not the same people anymore...

In my sitch, I have realized that my marriage, or the one I had will never be the same.... it will all be about a new R once the opportunity presnts itself. And it may... it may not and then maybe the ring will come off.

W has her rings but has not wore them since bomb.

[Gardener]

Norm,

Any thoughts?

I can only say you must do what feels right in your own heart, which is often an answer that's right there. Without question. Period. Other times, it takes some soul searching.

This was one of the first questions I asked on this forum. Got much advice, someone even directed me to a thread on it (I forget it now. Anyone?)

I wound up taking mine off as a reminder of the "brutal reality" of my sitch and all that was at stake (sounds oxymoronic, I know)

Ultimately, months later I went to our favorite beach. Stood in the water about 30 feet out where years ago, as I watched her walking along the shore, "in the second that the hammer hits" (Elton John's The One) I realized I loved this woman.

And then and there, some 18 years later, I took off the ring, held it in my palm and let the ocean take it back.

I'm sorry to over-answer as always, bring it back to me, when this is about you.
But I'm just a romantic ol' fool.
And that's how I handled it.

Do what's in your heart.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ultimately, months later I went to our favorite beach. Stood in the water about 30 feet out where years ago, as I watched her walking along the shore, "in the second that the hammer hits" (Elton John's The One) I realized I loved this woman.

And then and there, some 18 years later, I took off the ring, held it in my palm and let the ocean take it back.

[Norm914]

I'm sorry to over-answer as always, bring it back to me, when this is about you.
But I'm just a romantic ol' fool.
And that's how I handled it.

Do what's in your heart.

Not at all. Thanks, Gardener.

I am doing some soul searching on this. Taking off the ring at this point seems to me to say to her, “I give in, I give up. You can have your way and have your divorce.” And that is NOT how I feel at this point. Additionally, she’s in the throes and fog of an affair right now. I don’t want to give in to her decision-making processes at this point.

At the same time, I just can’t get past the idea that wearing the ring looks to her like I’m pathetically hanging on. I was really strong yesterday. I want to keep that going.

Which makes me look stronger? Wearing it or not wearing it? That’s the question.

[CityGirl]

If you are looking to create mystery then wearing your wedding ring might be the way to go.

While this sounds very clinical - if the wedding ring was a family heirloom (and wedding rings fall in to a different category than engagement rings as far as property goes) chances are she would have to return it to you anyhow.

I think I would take it off but that is just me. The day I noticed my H took his off was the day I took mine off. I don't really think there is a right answer as it is a very personal decision. To many a ring is a symbol of commitment. My thought process was my H took ever step to end his commitment to me and the ring was just the final "thing" so I saw no point in wearing mine. I do still have it and eventually will probably sell my engagement ring.

Do whatever helps you retain the strength and momentum you had y'day!

[Kettricken]

Sometimes it's not about "looking strong". It's about "being strong". Being strong means that you act authentically regarding things that are meaningful to you. If your ring is meaningful to you as a representation of your vows and your marriage and you haven't given up on that yet .... keep wearing it. Then your actions will be congruent with your convictions, and that shows. Without words. In your general energy and demeanor.

OTOH, if you allow yourself to get tangled up in endless knots of, "What will she think if I do this?......", and allow those speculations to drive your actions, that will show too. IMHO.

You said something earlier about not wanting to be the bad guy and hurt her. Understandable. But every day that she continues her affair, she is hurting *herself* badly, especially if she's "not that kind of person", at her core. And you know that and are allowing it to continue.

You're not responsible for her terrible choices, but in some degree, silence does give consent. I understand the wisdom of waiting for clarity and calmness to confront. But when that has been achieved, and still you keep discovering new relatively passive workarounds to try to derail the affair, anything to avoid exposure and/or confronting her directly and decisively with what you know ... why???