here we go again

[Jstar]

well trust me i have done that, to the point of when i'm supposed to be on maternity leave i have paid week the rest no income. told him and it's oh i can't get a job because of everify, ur the one with the education, i'll watch the baby, of course at his mommies so he can ditch both kids.

wednsday he's i'll bring money thurs or frid, the days pass, i call him on it, tell him he's not following thru, asked again today and only way i got money was for me to drive to get it at his house.

he's like oh come in, i'm like uh you want me to come in where your mother says i've tried to kill everybaby i've been pregnant with, where she shakes her ass at me, where i'm ignored, don't think so besides hoarders gross me out.

i pulled up across teh street, d2 in car, gave him 3 minutes, he walked up to car to try to open door my auto locks on, i told h to go to my window, he said hi to d2 opened teh window just enought to get the money and drove off.

of course i'm upset for ride home and until now, can't stand him his choices everything.

i'm gonna have to deal with this crap for rest of my life since i have kids with him. i'm gonna move out of state or so far that i don't have to have him play games, mess me with.

[bluerain]

HI Jstar. I havent been around for a while, 80+ hour work week. Im sorry to hear that your pregnancy has been a little more difficult this week, your getting closer and closer to being fully baked though! Im also sorry to hear that your H has been just as difficult as always.

I wonder is there some kind of a cultural thing here that I just dont get? I mean I cant understand how you tell this man exactly what you want and he is totally unreceptive. And then two days later...

[TrentC]

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

You might have to take your lumps and get the state involved. If he's working here illegally and trying to stay out of the system, then no good can come of that.

What about getting onto state assistance? Or a program like WIC? There are programs out there to help people in your position.

You need to get him out of your life. He doesn't feel any responsibility towards you or his daughter -- D2 sounds more like something he's interested in because it makes him feel like a grown-up.

[Jstar]

I make to much money to qualify for assistance from teh state but not enough to cover every single expense that i have, and i live very sparsley, i'm not a pedi/mani, macy's, hair done kind of gal.

when i do get my hair cut done i go to paul mitchell's school for $12. I drive a 94 car, walmart/target shopper, non starbucks, very simple i would think.

this is how last convo goes after my pick up of money:

i say to h: i'm not living in limbo land anymore, i've been clear about what this family needs, me and these kids, you have done nothing by way of actions to show you want or are willing to do.

h is: are you going to change and live with my family, that's all we have.
jstar: what does that mean, are you going to change, put boundaries on your family? are you going to emotionally available.

H:i have nothing and you and kids have a life
jstar: i choose to make a life for my kids, you choose the life you are living

jstar: lets just get it straight let's divorce
h: you will never change, i don't respect women don't respect you i' m not that kind of man
jstar: validated his feelings, ok done deal divorce
h: i have no life, you don't want me, you don't tell me how you feel
it just goes on like this till h says i'm tired of phone and texting, i'm shutting it off, i send text, rationally come talk to me about it
end of convo.

I don't even want to put on here what happened last night but will for sake of trying to understand.

3 am, i wake up vomitting, d2 wakes up, i text h, ask for help to come over watch her while i try to recover, no response from h. (h says, if you need help jstar just ask and i will)asked him today why didn't you help me, no response to last convo:

i can't stand to come over to the house. it tears him up to much, please!

I call him on, i know nothing dbing about it on his bad behavior. you expect me to believe u love and care what happens to us, i asked for help, i was sick you did nothing, you put yourself first yet again. another failed attempt at me trying to set it up so he can be successful.

just give me a lobotomy. i'm not an angle and lately i've been mean to him, and it has made me feel better to let him twist and mess with him. i know bad jstar.

he gets nothing of what i say. it is pointless. i do just need to file, not ready yet, want to get thru next month or so till birth.

i remember i started my thread with asking should i allow him in teh delivery room, and i'm convinced not to allow him. i think it was TrentC that asked if i could be proud of that decision, proud to let my son know that when he was older. at this point i would have to say yes.

h would be of no support to me, thankfully my arms would be strapped down and me numb from waist down, because he'd open his mouth and they would have a hard time restraining me from him.

[Jstar]

I don't want it all to be bad that i put on here.

d2 and i have been transitioning her room, she somewhat unwilling is "giving" her bed to her little brother and she is getting her big girl "princess" bed. we spent most of morning putting her very special pillows into the fancy cases, and putting a night stand next to her bed.

which she loves, we put her chapsticks, hair assessories in teh drawer and she made a point to put her juice ontop of the stand and a snack i gave her. not that she sleeps in the bed yet...

then we worked little bit on lil brother's bed, putting the bumper pads in, that in which she jumped joyfully in the crib for like 20 mins.

we took a very short nap and had to go to the bank. now our trips to the bank or anywhere are always an adventure. she has a shopping cart she MUSt bring with her, she loves to wear dresses and yet underneath the dress she is wearing another skirt, usually she is wear 2 different shoes as not to choose between dora and minnie. d2 has her sun glasses on, hair band in and all chapsticked up.

we go to walmart do some grocery shopping and like always everyone is how adorable she is, i'm like oh don't encourage her, it makes it worse....

now my other d18 is the total opposite, an all natural type of young lady, no tweezing brows, not that d2 does, so now i have a semi low maintence d18 and extremely high maitenance, if i could spell this late, d2. very curious how the 3 rd one a boy is going to be.

when i found out he was a boy and told h, he said oh good now we can name him jr. in some cases i would listen to the whole idea, but h's name is victor. having taught for 10 years, dated a few other victors, sorry if i offend any men with that name, i have found out in my experience that a child/man name of victor has certain personality traits, they are ALL as@#$$es. think they are better then everyone else, proud peacocky walking. so naming son victor was totally out of the question!

[bluerain]

I think thats true of a lot of Jeffs that I have met. Lol, there have been one, maybe two exceptions to that rule, but for the most part!

D2 sounds adorable.

So did he say that he doesnt respect women? Did I read that right? grrr... Ok, I dont think that there is anything wrong with calling someone on their bad behavior. It also seems like your conversations are just fights running in circles! I cant imagine how frustrating that must be. Does he want you to move in with his family? It really doesnt seem like thats what needs to happen... at all... why would he think thats a solution?

Unfortunately, Im not sure that I have much to offer in the way of advice, besides if he says that "you will never change" maybe respond with "we have had this conversation over and over again, and Im not doing it again." Or maybe "You just have not seen my changes, I have made many". I do like what you were saying to him about the life that you are making for yourself, and his life being the result of his choices. He needs to hear that, especially from you.

"Youll never change"... blech that reminds me of some housewife stamping her little feet throwing a fit.

[TrentC]

i say to h: i'm not living in limbo land anymore, i've been clear about what this family needs, me and these kids, you have done nothing by way of actions to show you want or are willing to do.
h is: are you going to change and live with my family, that's all we have.
jstar: what does that mean, are you going to change, put boundaries on your family? are you going to emotionally available.

H:i have nothing and you and kids have a life
jstar: i choose to make a life for my kids, you choose the life you are living

jstar: lets just get it straight let's divorce
h: you will never change, i don't respect women don't respect you i' m not that kind of man
jstar: validated his feelings, ok done deal divorce

Um... what? He says he doesn't respect you or respect women? Did he actually say that? It's hard to tell if these are direct quotes or paraphrases.

it just goes on like this till h says i'm tired of phone and texting, i'm shutting it off, i send text, rationally come talk to me about it
end of convo.

Maybe it's me, but after the "I don't respect women, I don't respect you" part, the conversation should have ended there:

"OK, then, have a nice life. Gotta go."

3 am, i wake up vomitting, d2 wakes up, i text h, ask for help to come over watch her while i try to recover, no response from h. (h says, if you need help jstar just ask and i will)asked him today why didn't you help me, no response to last convo:

Wait, wait, wait... why are you asking him to come over? You don't trust him, he doesn't respect you, you do nothing but fight like cats and dogs.

Don't you have anyone else that can help you? A family member? A friend? A co-worker?

If you are going to D and move out of state as you claim you want to do, you'd better get used to finding people other than him to help you.

So, OK, fine, you gave him a chance to step up and take responsiblity. And what is his response?

i can't stand to come over to the house. it tears him up to much, please!

I think your decision is clear now. He's self-absorbed and immature, and you two thrive on conflict with each other. One of you has to change this dynamic, and it won't be him.

just give me a lobotomy. i'm not an angle and lately i've been mean to him, and it has made me feel better to let him twist and mess with him. i know bad jstar.

It is if your intention is to actually save the marriage. One of you has to be the better person.

[TrentC]

wednsday he's i'll bring money thurs or frid, the days pass, i call him on it, tell him he's not following thru, asked again today and only way i got money was for me to drive to get it at his house.

Here's an idea. On Friday, when he says he can't bring the money or doesn't have the money to bring to you? Try this:

"OK, then, I guess I'll have to figure something else out. Goodbye." *click*

And don't answer your phone or any text messages for the rest of the weekend.

[Jstar]

Had some time to think about what Trent and Bluerain have been saying. Thriving on conflict, never thought of that. Probably something i should/could fix in myself for me and kidos.

since the last convo, h has kept his phone turned off for most of the day. what i said to him is not really that important, but

for me personally i think i did well in the sense that the week or week and half that he did come by, even may have been for an hour or so, i held to my boundary of not allowing him to take d2 without me. thankfully so, during that week to week/half it usually was about every two to three days that he would see her.

the interactions of him and d2 were not that great, him too busy on one of his two phones, walking out without saying good bye to her.

as a 2yr old and with him not really being in her life, she was just ok bye bye and went back to playing. i don't want her to be upset but it is really heartbreaking. he may love her but not enought to walk away for what's best for her and not in her life enough to be positive influence, just enought to be in her life to harmful.

both these kids will/would have a lifetime of their father coming and going in their lives when it suits them and they would never have the security or routine of a time they know he would be there.

during the time he was so called around, i did not let him know where or who was caring for d2 which is a blessing in disguise as much as it may have hurt him.

am i so off to believe i did good in this, that i protected my daughter from some pain?

those were some of the boundaries i set up before i spoke to him after being dark, h would have to proove consistently that he would be in their lives that until he did he would have supervised visitations.

[Jstar]

I go to try to put some closure on this, make is sound in my mind.

i asked h to do me a favor not to dodge the process server, he comes back with i will.

i know i can get him served it 's the freaking point of trying to dodge, just further game playing and messing with me. i told him, it's to late, he responds yeah to late time for bed. i ask why would u dodge, responds i will.

why the freak dodge, he is not able to do what we need him to do and pefectly content with living life they way he is.