Why can't I just do it!?

[Trixi]

Well, he came over last night and we talked some. It didn't go well. It didn't go horribly; it just didn't go well and I am coming to the point of saying "Maybe I should just believe what he says."

The usual song of "I just don't know what to do with you" was said. (Tiresome, really.) But this time I tried to delve deeper instead of "validating".

He said that he thinks about both the pros of divorce and pros of reconciliation. His first 'pros' for D were that he wants to refi the house and he could probably do that if we were divorced. And that DD might have an easier time getting student loans if we were divorced. :| He is scared out of his mind considering living together. He doesn't feel "ready". And that when progress is made, he feels like we're moving too fast. (Wtf?! What progress and where is the movement??)

Then he went on to say that if we got a divorce, we could get back together and have a whole new ceremony, etc. (again, wtf?!) I told him that I thought he might be underestimating the impact of destroying the marriage/family. Like the difference between remodeling a couple rooms burned in a house fire vs trying to rebuild a house that's been blown to smithereens. He said that he DID know that and that is why he hadn't filed yet.

His very biggest concern is that he will check out again in the future and even right now, he is somewhat numb to "us".

His current goals are to quit smoking (starting today) and really curb the drinking so that he is not escaping his feelings anymore. He is getting rid of clutter in the house and trying to clear his mind so that he can figure out what he wants in his life and also what to do about us.

I did describe my big picture of what I want and he said it sounded really good. FYI,previously, I have been very specific on what we could do that is fun, etc. And I did describe some specific fun things, but more importantly I said that I wanted someone that was committed to ME so that I wouldn't always have to feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to fall if I say the 'wrong' thing. And that *I* think a commitment actually is "freeing" and not restrictive because it allows both partners the room for growth and expression without the fear of being left.

BUT

Today I have tears dripping from my eyes non-stop because it just keeps popping into my head that he really is saying that he isn't a man of integrity. That he can't make the choice to not "check out". This is what I mean about maybe I should believe him. Maybe I should listen when he is clearly saying that he just doesn't want me enough to commit (to paraphrase.)

I am upset and sad because he always has more justifications/reasons for divorce than reasons to stay together... His reason to stay together; he doesn't want me out of his life; he doesn't want to lose me (which are "big", but not specific). But his reason's for divorce are well thought out and specific. Coupled with the general fear associated with living together again.

He keeps talking about how he needs to "make a decision and stick to it", and "stop being a pssy", and just "man up". Not exactly sounding like reconciliation to me. )#&$^!!