I agree with Rabbit not to worry too much about your time frame. I had an original goal of having my H back in the same bedroom as me by Christmas, and I ended up actually having our M fully restored the beginning of Dec. instead! About mid-Oct. I would have NEVER believed that! So, you never know what can happen in a few months.
Setting boundaries like the phone issue is very difficult when your S is not committing to the M. I ran into that issue too. We had the exact same issue re: H's phone as it was the primary means of communication. When I started challenging H re: the bill, # of TM's etc. he changed the billing and also, I found out much later, got another "pay and talk" phone to keep in touch with OW so I wouldn't know. ouch. When I tried setting boundaries at that time, I would just hit a brick wall or he would just find ways around it.
BUT... by you speaking up, you are making it clear that you are not a pushover and that you won't tolerate being treated this way.
Maybe given where she is at, you could word it more like, "Since the phone has been issue for us in the past, I am concerned that it has a password again. I don't want to have this issue again. What would you suggest we can do about this?" Put the ball in her court. IDK... just a thought.
But, the bottom line is that if she and OM are determined to communicate, they will find a way. There really is nothing you can do about it. This needs to be secondary to you. You can't focus on this part, it will drive you crazy. Let me tell you I learned that the hard way.
Your focus is on YOU and the kids. Your future, their future. They need you to take care of yourself, and to be the best dad you can be. Working on detachment from your W and the sitch will help you with that. I know it is almost impossible at times, but you can do it. There were many times I needed to take a sleeping pill so that it could appear as though I was just fine when H would get home. But, I did that.. and it helped.
