LHS, I can tell you right now that Rob's way as it stands will not be effective with your wife because of the abuse issues. Your wife does not fit into the typical category. You will need to tweak Rob's words to make them fit better.
I tend to agree with Gnosis in your particular situation. Both her childhood abuse, and your history of controlling and demeaning behavior towards her suggest a modification of that approach.
You might want to look at the old posts of smartcookie:
Smartcookie was severely abused as a child and her H was controlling and emotionally abusive. She became involved in a cyber-affair. For nearly a year, it looked like they would make it, but then her H reverted to his old ways and they are now divorced. Her posts might give you some valuable insight.
Remove yourself from this situation, regardless if you want to date other women or not, just limit contact with her, tell her she can have the OM but you're not going to be part of an open relationship with her and the OM from now on, you have too much dignity & self-respect to allow that to be part of your life. As for the kids, tell her if she wants to see the OM that's her choice but she isn't bringing the kids to see him anymore, that's your decision, you won't have them exposed to her crazy behavior and that environment with a stranger (OM) - that's just horrible for the kids to be exposed to that.
Is good advice. What we need to do with is fine tune it. It will need to be tweaked for finesse. You now know that going completely dark is detrimental. A fine balance needs to be found.
Another thing that you need to do is make this ALL HER CHOICE. I haven't read everything on your thread yet because I'm both pressed for time and to tell you the truth I'm growing weary.
I'm prepared to help you, but you're going to have to draft the plan and post it here. I will pinpoint areas that need to be softened up or hardened. Do not fly off the handle and react. Your plan will need to be tweaked as we progress and you measure your results.
The technique here would be to take both Trent's (softer side) and Rob's (harda$$ approach) and balance it out.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I will read smartcookie's threads again. And I will work on reading everything posted to me so far to draft a plan. I am committed to this marriage and am not in a huge hurry to turn this around tomorrow. We have only been separated for a little under 2 months and I don't expect anything big for at least 6 months of separation. I figure at least 4 more months. I have read success stories on hear that say over a year.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
We have only been separated for a little under 2 months and I don't expect anything big for at least 6 months of separation. I figure at least 4 more months. I have read success stories on hear that say over a year.
I wouldn't put a timeline to this; everyone's situation is different. It would be a shame to make progress for 4 months, then throw in the towel because it's not "fixed' yet.
The important thing is, when do you feel that you are not making any progress? Or that things are getting worse?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Things got better and then I pressured and pursued and tried to make her jealous. Now things are worse. I will make a plan and they will be better again. No timeline set I just figure a minimum of 6 months to make changes in me that will have positive impact. This took a long time to fall apart. It will not be healed overnight.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
Things got better and then I pressured and pursued and tried to make her jealous. Now things are worse. I will make a plan and they will be better again. No timeline set I just figure a minimum of 6 months to make changes in me that will have positive impact. This took a long time to fall apart. It will not be healed overnight.
Just for the record, I'm 4 1/2 months past the bomb.
It may seem like it takes forever to make improvements, but when you look back you may be surprised how fast things have improved.
But you still both need IC, in addition to MC.
And I don't remember if I said this, but it's probably not a great idea for your wife to see the MC as her IC; when I asked my IC about it, she said I should look for a separate MC because there would be a perception that my IC is on "my side" when seeing her as an MC.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Sandi wrote in smartcookie's thread that the WAW is aware of her guilt and feels sorry but is very scared and confused that she needs understanding and space. I agree, my wife sees my hurt and it hurts her. Then I push to have us spend time or get back together but I don't act happy and in the moment all the time. When I do act happy and act as if all is good she moves towards me and away from OM. She did not seek validation from someone else because I was perfect. I was a controlling, and demeaning individual and I pushed her away from me. My wife chose the affair but I chose to weaken her mentally where the option was even in play in the first place.
Still reading smartcookie's post and learning, bear with me.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
Did not realize how long studying smartcookie's threads would take. Still going, don't give up on me. I think I can be done reading these post by Tuesday evening.
PS: could use some help from FWAW on this sitch.
I also have interesting developments, but I will leave those for later.
Thanks in advance for the help.
Me 33 WAW 32 S12 S4 S2 M12 T14 Not wanting to ever give up.
