But contacting him is opening a door to hurt you. Every time you are in contact with him it will remind you of the A
This is the gift of darkness. The wondering has stopped. Is he with her now? Did he just go the bathroom to call her? And on and on....self-torture.
It took a week or so for me to get out of the habit of seeking him out (either in the house, or the phone) to discuss an issue with the kids or the house). I no longer have to remind myself that he isn't here. I had stopped just chatting and sharing stuff in my life with him months ago.
It seems I 180'd OK for the last 6 months with a few backslides. 180 seemed to make him happy with the way things were, him juggling both relationships. He thought it was going well, and I was going to go along with that as a way of life. This is why I am sure he won't be back. He will tell himself That we are fine and don't need or want him around...or we would call and contact him. That may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He has perfected compartmentalization. Out of sight, out of mind for him. His lies are mostly to himself. I was able to shoot down the biggest justification for the affair...I was a bad wife, mother, housekeeper, kids were bad...etc. But for some reason, he still feels entitled to act on his feelings, inspite of the feelings for me, and the commitment he made to me. Compartmentalization is the only way I can understand his abandonment of our children. He has also justified it with "I am no good for them". He is a psychologist and can't see his own distorted thinking patterns and irrationality. But I realize I can't help him.
I also realized just this morning, I can replace him in my life much easier than he has replaced me. I can keep my life and have a rich emotional relationship. He has had to sacrifice evrything for a "in love" feeling that won't last. That realization frees me from having to prove it to myself. Our friends have enveloped me, sweeping me along with them, taking me out, etc. This has helped a lot. It is interesting to watch which friends have stepped in/up and which have stepped away. Hmmm... Our families are useless. They have tried to figure out how to use the situation to their advantage.
Having said all this, I see DBing, going dark, as a way to ease the path to divorce, rather than a way to save a marriage.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
