I don't think you failed your children. You and your W failed each other as partners but that doesn't mean you are a failure as a parent.
Your children are about the age my sister and I were when our parents divorce began. As strange as this sounds my sister and I never had respect for our dad as he treated us and my mom very poorly. In turn, my sister and I both lost a ton of respect for our mother over the years for allowing such crappy behavior from my father.
Now my sister and I are *very* close to my mom and we have been for years but she did have to earn our respect back for allowing all she did for so long. SOMEBODY has to be the parent and make good choices for the children. Even at a young age my sister and I were very aware of that fact. I think my mom realizes now that she chose to stay in a marriage where she and her children were treated poorly only resulted in her trying to control *something* (in our case that *something* was my sister and me). My mom worked very hard to rectify the errors of her ways. My sister and I had to work hard too but in the end it was all worth it and my sister and I would not trade the beautiful R we share with our mom for anything.
My sister and I knew deep down my mom wanted her marriage to be better and my mom was in MC alone for almost two decades. But everybody should have their limits for what they are willing to tolerate when children are involved.
I would not let your children know you respect their mother's decision but I would tell them you ACCEPT it.
It may take some time but your children will eventually establish a lifelong foundation of respect for the parent who acts like a parent even in the thick of a divorce (that will be you!).
I don't know what state you are in but if your W makes a settlement offer without specific numbers (A) she is getting very poor counsel which is good for you (B) a settlement without specifics is considered "raw" and is the best you can hope for as a skilled attny will take a raw settlement offer and turn it in your favor.
Decline her request for spousal support (and that is all it is at this point, a request) and be very firm about a move out date for her. Let her know you will give her xx number of days to set aside some money that SHE EARNED to establish her own housing while still contributing to the household bills.
