H's sister sends me an occasional message on FB so I don't feel cut-off from the family. I appreciate that, that's sweet of her. I respond politely, but I don't initiate anything myself. She and H's SIL both offered to be there if I want to talk or anything, but I can't take them up on it.
H said in our last few talks that he still loves me. Then why was he so desperate to f*** someone else and not care who I was with? Why was that SO important to him? Was it worth it in the end? It feels like he doesn't have many consequences- he'll end up with a higher mortgage payment, less in his 401k and no messed-up me.
No one knows what an @ss he was, his family thinks he's an angel because he's so good to them. I would love for someone HE respects to call him out on his bad behavior and ask him WTF was he thinking, because that's the only way it's going to sink in for him of what he did- but that's not going to happen because I know better than to say anything to them, and he's sure as he!! not going to.
This morning I remembered that he cheated on me a couple of times before the whole swinging thing even started. He even had a profile set up on a dating site that I found when someone responded to it and sent him an email. You know, at the the time he he told me about the cheating, I was so busy dealing with the other sh!t that happened that night, that just got buried. I never got angry about it, whereas a lot of women would have thrown his @ss out. I've had a couple of small discussion with him about it, had a few questions answered, spoke my peace about it, but he never said he was sorry or regretted it. That topic was supposed to be over and done with for us after that, but I feel like it's not settled in my mind since he wouldn't say he was sorry.
I really should have left immediately after he!! night, but I was too messed up to think straight. At that point, I had nothing left to lose by sticking with the marriage- the kids had an intact family and I was in no position to provide for myself financially like I am now.
But he loves me- yeah, right- nice way of showing it, bud...
