Ok, I must agree with Ready2Change - please stick to one thread. It makes you easier to find.
I think there is important stuff about you that wasn't in your other thread.
Do not allow her to think that your online sexually inappropriate behavior allows a tit-for-tat response. You chose poorly, and you owned it. You have changed your behavior. If she needs further closure for it to be a closed book in her mind, maybe you need to talk about it together. But she is not allowed to use this as an excuse for her A.
Originally Posted By: michaelCM
Apparently, she had been in a relationship with him that started to get serious around August of '08. Definitely an EA. Not sure about a PA. She says that they kissed and touched a little. I don't know if I'll ever find out the whole truth about that.
#1 - You will find that most people here believe an A is just that and should never be considered a relationship. Personally I disagree, but that is neither here nor there. Something to keep in mind. Either way, she had no right to pursue an A with another man while married to you.
#2 - If they kissed and touched, it's physical! Just because they may or may not have had sex does not change the fact that someone other than you had his hands on your W and she encouraged it. Not ok!
#3 - Be careful with the truth; it's dangerous. The things you think you want so desperately to know can haunt you.
I haven't asked my H about his A (he's currently engaged in one so it would be counter-productive), and I'm not sure I will. Part of me wants to know every sordid detail, to have it laid before me in every aspect so I can know the worst and then let it go. But I am devastated already by a few e-mails and pictures of them I found. For me wondering is usually worse than just knowing. I knew something was horribly wrong before I forced the truth of the A out of him. In that situation, not knowing was far worse; wondering every minute if my suspicions were true or completely unfounded. Knowing was, in many ways, much easier. I can face the monster I can see. I digress. The point is, think before you ask.
This continued contact, even casually with the ex-OM is not ok. I cheated on my husband several years ago and then later became "friends" with my ex-OM. It was wrong and it hurt my H. If she wants you, she has to give him up entirely. NC means NC. No middle ground here. If she runs into him when out with friends, she needs to leave. If he offers her contact (ie - rides, coffee dates, e-mails, phone calls) she needs to refuse. And she needs to mean it.
The fact that she is hiding her contact with the OM is a definite red flag. Demand absolute transparency from her. If she doesn't like it, too bad. If she wants you she has to toe the line. Stop asking her to have NC with OM - demand it. Make a consequence for contacting him, and then follow through. Boundaries are a must. Until you set clear boundaries and enforce them, she'll continue to have it both ways. Again, this is not ok!
Originally Posted By: michaelMC
I don't know how I am ever going to heal. I don't know how to keep bringing it up, without once again pushing her away. I love her, but this contact is keeping me from being whole again.
You are going to heal one day at a time, and by demanding the respect you deserve. She cannot disrespect you by keeping in contact with the OM without consequences. You deserve better and you need to demand it for yourself.
Don't bring it up over and over. Explain it once. Set your boundaries, and then stick to them. It is her choice to have her M with you or to have the OM. No fence-riding.
Have you read DB and DR? It's time to start looking to yourself for happiness. When our happiness comes solely from outside sources it can be taken away without our permission or input. Your happiness belongs to you, and it needs to come from you as well. If you haven't already, please get the books...they explain better.
Originally Posted By: michaelMC
I don't blame her for the affair, much
While you don't need to harp on the A and place blame, let me make it quite clear.
An affair is the choice of the person who is involved.
Your W needs to own that this was her wrong, her betrayal.
This. ^ Perfectly-stated; there's your roadmap, Michael.
You need to be prepared, emotionally, that this has most likely gone fully physical. Wayward spouses usually will admit to one level LESS than what the truth is:
- "inappropriate friendship or feelings" = "full-blown Emotional Affair" (EA)
- "we've never been physical" = "full-blown Physical Affair" (PA), or sometimes it had BECOME physical, but they've temporarily cooled it, either voluntarily or due to outside pressure.
But even so, even her ADMITTED behavior is completely unacceptable. The time to establish clear boundaries is EARLY ON, for your own emotional health.
