Keep documented records of any physical altercations... pics too if you can.. if you can establish a pattern of behavior, that will work for you....
Also,IMPORTANT: go get a copy of the police report and see what was written. What happens, whats reported and what goes on paper can be in 3 totally different things..
I would expect the report was accurate as you described AND, having the report in hand (and subsequent others) will bolster your claims in court of law...
I had my own episode of W being BAT [censored] CRAZY (nod to Robx).. he suggested what ever I expected, take it to a factor of 10, then you'll be prepared... I saw it first hand.
All parsing of MrsT's motives aside .... please be very cautious. This reads to me like the second act of the incident in October, only much more serious and with the boot on the other foot. No matter how you slice it, this thing is escalating .... whether it has anything to do with you and/or your marriage is unclear to me. Given the situation with her mother, it may at least partly be a convenient (as in, familiar) vent hole.
Be that as it may, from my reading, when the cops are called to a house for domestic violence, the presumption of harm or threat often falls on the man. You drew lucky this time, and I am so relieved. But, depending on where this is going, I'd be really reluctant to stubbornly stay put to prove a point. Since her behavior seems to be breaking new ground. What's next??
Just sayin'.
(((Thinker)))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Wow- just WOW! "U r not a husband" WOW! Stunning really. (or maybe not....)
Something my H said to me last night (should have posted it in my update, now that I think about it...) he said "Who knows- maybe if you would have kicked me to the curb right away and held my feet to the fire, I would have come running back and we wouldn't be in this spot right now." (That "spot" being limbo.) And now that 2.5 years has passed being in limbo, he is pretty comfortable having his cake and eat it too.
I think you are totally on the right track and showing great strength.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Sounds kind of similar to the fit my wife threw when I tried to move back in. I have never seen her act the way she did that night. And it worked too, I left the house. She might have done this to get you to leave the house. You might want to consider a restraining order?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
She doesn't want you to leave but says it will never work, calls you names, accuses you of sleeping around, and now she's hitting you.
She's experiencing a lot of emotions with her mother's illness but there's no justification for taking it out on you or anybody else. None. (and BTW I lost my mom to an extended illness too).
After all this counseling, a weekend at Retro, and a whole lotta' time, she's continuing to use you as a scapegoat for everything wrong. She is emotionally stuck and can remain there as long as this limbo continues. She's cake-eating because she can treat you badly but doesn't have to face her problem(s) or consequences for her actions.
I know...harsh words but nothing has changed. It's just getting worse.
Hitting would have been the last straw for me; "I'm outta' here. Call me when you're ready to work it out."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
The truth of the matter is that YOU are playing the victim here. Others seem to be enabling you to continue to play it too.
How sad..
Is anybody making you stay and allowing this?
Is your wife forcing you to stay in this and accepting her behavior?
If she isn't making you stay or forcing you to accept her behavior then you are getting exactly what you deserve.
Stop this nonsense and stop playing a helpless victim while trying to claim that your wife is doing the victim routine. It is actually you playing the victim role and it is others on here enabling you to play it that is the problem. It isn't doing you any good to play the "poor poor Thinker" role.
Thinker.. You have been at this for going on TWO YEARS NOW. Grow up. You are a grown man still posting like a victim on this site. You don't seem to show much growth for as long as you have been at this. It really isn't rocket science. Get a hold of yourself man. TWO YEARS Thinker..TWO YEARS....
This whole thing will change when YOU stop being such an indecisive man who is waiting on his wife to decide the outcome here. Then you play the victim while you ALLOW this to continue on... How sad.. How very sad.
Your answer has been the same for quite some time now. (MONTHS) YOUR WIFE WANTS OUT. You just can't seem to accept it and admit it... Let her know you "get it" and things will change.. Take the lead here. YOU file. YOU tell her YOU want it over.. YOU.. YOU.. YOU.. What YOU want.
File for divorce and take the lead here. Confident, decisive and matter of fact.. It is when you finally stop playing the victim here that you will be set free. Not before.
She doesn't want you to leave but says it will never work, calls you names, accuses you of sleeping around, and now she's hitting you.
She's experiencing a lot of emotions with her mother's illness but there's no justification for taking it out on you or anybody else. None. (and BTW I lost my mom to an extended illness too).
After all this counseling, a weekend at Retro, and a whole lotta' time, she's continuing to use you as a scapegoat for everything wrong. She is emotionally stuck and can remain there as long as this limbo continues. She's cake-eating because she can treat you badly but doesn't have to face her problem(s) or consequences for her actions.
I know...harsh words but nothing has changed. It's just getting worse.
Hitting would have been the last straw for me; "I'm outta' here. Call me when you're ready to work it out."
I wouldn't have offered the "Call me when you're ready to work it out." line, I would have just said "I'm outta' here."
She's using her other "problems" as a crutch, alot of people on this site do that, "... I did this because I had a hard life, or I did that because I had a bad childhood, etc."
Those things are crutches.
A kid breaks into a store and robs it, gets caught, goes in front of the judge, tells him "I did this because I had a bad childhood", the judge looks at him and says, "Yeah so did the rest of us, you still knew what you were doing when you did what you did, you just want us to enable you & your crappy actions and feel bad for you and let you off without any consequences and I'm not going to do that anymore, you've had enough people in your life doing that for you."
I think another user on this thread is saying that his wife is having a physical affair with another man because she was molested as a child or something to that effect....
CRUTCH!
Another guy admits to hitting his wife a few times because he was hit when he was a kid, he's sorry, he won't do it again.....
CRUTCH!
Another woman tells her husband that she needs to sleep with other men because she's only been with him for so many years and hasn't been with other men and feels the need to explore her sexuality which is why she had the affair....
CRUTCH!
They're all crutches. We're all adults. We all know the difference between right & wrong (or we should for the most part), it's not that we don't know that our actions are inappropriate, we choose to do them anyways hoping we won't feel guilty or as guilty as we do and when we feel really badly we blame it on something else so that we don't have to accept full responsibility for our actions.
CRUTCH!!!!
Let go of your crutches. Stop enabling your spouse's crappy behavior by allowing them to use crutches to explain their crap behavior.
This morning Mrs. T Apologized, promised it would never happen again (I made it clear that I won't tolerate it), and retracted her statements from the previous day.
She said "I want to stay married" and "I want to try to work on the M" - both things she has never said before. She agreed to work on her anger with her C.
At the same time I don't have much real hope for the M. She has made similar reconciliation noises before when we had blow ups, and they never came to anything.
For now, however, I have agreed with her that I will not proceed with D "at this time". I'll give it a bit more time (Gucci, it has been a bit more than a year, but not 2). I'm in no rush.
As far as the "hitting" - she is chastised and sorry. After my own "batsh!t crazy" period back in October I am readily able to move past one event. We each get a warning and we each understand that next time for either of us is going to be real trouble. The event itself was actually pretty surreal. She was out of control and whaling away, but it didn't hurt, most were easily deflected, and I never felt any real danger - more a feeling of astonished detachment.
So anyway, tomorrow I head out on another business trip.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
