I wish I were one of those people who are divorced who have a carefree attitude. I'm in the dumps and I think people see me as this sad sack - really pathetic - and I am not a pathetic person. But when someone asks me how I am I can't seem to just put on a fake smile and pretend. I let them know how much things suck for me. Does that serve me well? I don't think so - I think people feel sorry for me and I don't want to have that persona. I want to have a better more confident respectable persona. Do I have to fake it to make it a reality? I don't know. My life is so monotonous now. I hate it. I really have to make some major changes. I am living in a small place and its suffocating. By leaving I'm going to be putting a lot on the line but I really think for my overall emotional and social well-being it will be much, much better for me. I've been reading a lot about just being positive. About how thoughts affect our lifes. How being positive helps change situations and how being negative makes things worse. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I have to - I want to beat these depressive feelings. I want my happy ending - my daughter and I deserve it! I was a good wife - I just married a really screwed up person! I need to stop blaming myself and start moving mentally in the direction of a better and happier life. I know I can do it.
