How do you release the anger?

[ddstartingover]

Grace - it does make sense. I spent a lot of time analyzing the situation. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING until I learned of OW. I know where I went wrong. I know what I would make changes in if I were to have the chance. I have changed in a lot of ways because of all of this.

Even though I know my H's affair is all on him----and I truly beleive we wouldn't be HERE if he hadn't taken that step (who doesn't right?), part of me still feels like that's on me too. If I were a better person, a better wife---he wouldn't have turned to someone else. If I were a better person, he would realize how important our family is and want to do all that it takes to come back.

What's hard to reconcile is that I think I am a good person. There were a lot of factors that led to how I acted/reacted when this all started-----the illness and death of my father, and problems with H's business that required a new job and a one way commute of 80 miles each day. I know where my head was at. I know how I handled that situation, and if I were able to do that all over again I would handle it differently.

However, I was dealing with the illness and later death of my father. I had three very active children that I ran all over the state on my own, becuase H was working. I did it all on my own then, much like today, except I kept envisioning an end to his commute and a return to my family----the fairy tale in my head. Instead, H wasn't there for me when I needed him on an emotional level and this was the time he began to drift away----Later I learn about OW at this other job and the relationship that continued even after that commute ended.

I have forgiven myself for a lot of things. Coming to grips with the fact that I don't get a "do over," another chance, has allowed me to get in that mindset of moving forward. I have allowed myself to believe that this isn't ALL my fault, but part of me still wishes there was something I could do or change about me that would bring him back. Some days I feel that if this was ALL my fault I could fix it all on my own and we could start over.......but I know that's not the case. I know, finally, that I cannot fix this on my own.

Most of the things that make me angry do have to do with the kids----how they get shorted, what they are missing out on because of all of this. For example, yesterday H called me (which is VERY unusual---not a text or email) and asked if it was ok if the girls went out to the "house" (our home) while he and S went to "band night." The "band" is another thing he turned to when he was running from our marriage. At one point he told me that he knew that his spending a lot of time (like all of his free time) with the band pissed me off----but he didn't care. Anyway, I was very polite and cordial and said, of course, no problem. I was running errands, but would be home later. However, it did make me mad that AGAIN he chose to have band night on "his weekend." The girls don't get it---and S11 goes when invited because I'm sure they act more like 11 year olds than almost 50 year olds-----and because S11 does ANYTHING he can to make us both happy. The last time he did this D16 had plans, and he brought D12 out. She ended up spending the night---and she was happy to be HOME. When this does happen part of me thinks HURRAY, I get more time with my kids---but then it makes me mad that he chooses the band over them.

H was supposed to come get the kids Friday. At one point D16 thought he was coming to get them early to take them to the gym for ball practice. At 12:30 D16 got a text from H saying he wouldn't be able to make the 1:00 gym time. She tried to contact him numerous times via text and phone. S11 joined in with the phone calls-----no answer to calls of texts. They were getting worried, I really wasn't because I'm used to the avoidance. S11 finally made contact with him a little after 6. He said he had been "on the phone," but would be out soon. He showed up around 7:15----acting especially strange. D16 rolled her eyes at me and when she hugged me, she expressed her concern about how he was acting. I later texted and asked if all was ok, and she said yes with a frowny face. When she was over last night she asked me why he was acting so weird----all last night and today---"weirder than usual." I told her I wish I had an explanation for her---and left it at that.

I don't know, this behavior was weirder than normal. He told me months ago that his relationship with OW ended when he moved out (which I knew wasn't true---and I wondered then if that was supposed to make me feel better). At this point I don't care anymore. When I think of him with her---while still wearing his wedding ring, that makes me very angry----but he's with her or not with her, I can't change that now. I find that he's lied to me about so many things for so long that I don't beleive anything he says----and I wish I could get past that. I might be able to have more compassion for him if I didn't think that. Some days I convince myself that he is "ill," and all of these things are symptoms of his illness......and when he gets better.....but then I know that he may not get better......this may be just who he is now.

I will think about compassion for myself and try to stop blaming me. This is something to think about......