I am going through the anger stage. All of this is so unfair. I know I don't deserve any of it. I deserve answers. I deserve another chance. I need to be happy. I deserve happiness.
I am angry. I don't cry everyday like I did in the beginning. I feel anger. How could H do this to us and our family? Why is this all ok for him? I still love him, deep in my soul, but I don't like who he has become. Everything he does and doesn't say makes me angry. I'm still left with unanswered questions. I know that I don't get to understand, I have to accept.
I need help trying to let the anger go. I think if I stay stuck in this stage I will not be able to move forward. It is consuming - at times it overtakes the pain, but the pain is still there feeding the anger.
I would appreciate any advice and sugestions on what helps.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I am glad you posted this question because it is something we all struggle with through this nightmare.
For me, releasing the anger was huge. For a while, the amount of anger I had actually consumed me. It took some time, I looked at each issue instead of the big picture. As I did that, I realized that not all of the anger was even because of what my H was doing. Some of it was from my past, just being resurrected because the feelings were similar.
I had a huge fear of abandonment. That caused me to have a ton of anger at H when I felt like he had abandoned me as well. As I dealt with each issue individually, healed what I could and accepted what I had to, with each issue, my anger toward H and others dwindled.
I prayed a lot. Searched for strength within myself that I never thought I had. I read a lot of helpful books, wrote letters just venting things (although I never mailed them), and realized that most people do the best they can with the tools that they have and for me, the biggest thing, was trying to determine people’s intentions. I have found that if I feel that someone’s intention was not to create hurt and problems for me, but to try, in their own way, to improve a situation for themselves, it is easier to not be angry. We don’t all handle things the same way, and I might have tried different options, but…
I still find that certain things will trigger angry feelings within and I have to look in the mirror again. It is ok to do that. Also, I learned that forgivness is for me, not for H or anyone else. So I want to forgive now. Simply because it keeps me in a better place. And just because I forgive someone, that doesn’t mean that I am giving them or anyone else permission to hurt me again.
Maybe someone else has a better answer but, that is what works here.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi di- I'm not always the best at giving or taking advice but think about what you said "I am going through the anger stage." Remember that it is a stage in the grieving process and it means that you are starting to heal. You need to go through this get to be emotionally healthy again. Not only that but you have a right to be angry, your H is not living up to his committment, his promise. It is all disappointing and painful to accept but you will get there. You will eventually let go of the anger and accept everything that has happened. Hopefully as you work through this, you will be able to look at your past and present and appreciate all the good in your life. IMO, when you can do that, thinking about the future seems so much brighter and the anger will fade.
No one will ever deny that going through something like this is a living hell, however there are positive things that will come out it. Look for those things. One is that you will realize (if you haven't already) that you are a lot stronger person than you ever thought you were.
I know that I have the right to be angry. I know that this is not all my fault. I've accepted what I am to blame for, but I know it's not all on me.
I am trying to let him go. I'm trying to move forward and live my life as if he is never coming home. He says he is done. I truly believe that that is what he believes. Despite it all, despite the truly horrible things he has said and done, I can't stop hoping to be one of those success stories------even though I've been the worst DB'er, and don't know that I could claim success through DB if he should return some time in the distant future.
I still do not want my marriage to end----even though what we have now isn't even close to a marriage. How do I process the anger---let myself go through this stage while dealing with H on a daily basis where the kids are concerned?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
How do you go dark when you must have almost daily contact about the kids? I am really doing better at NC. Unless absolutely necessary, I do not contact him for anything----but only reply when he contacts me. I do not ask him for anything, or ask about anything.I would love to go completely dark, but just can't since he is still involved with the kids.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Because of our D's, I have not been able to go dark either. The best I can do is dim. I only see H once a week and usually have one phone convo a week re: D's.
I still get angry sometimes, mostly b/c of communication stuff. Like all of us, I want answers. I've managed to get a few and I have been surprised by some of them.
The thing that has worked best for me is to take my walks and workout.
I like what Cat said about forgivness, but the most powerful thing for me was to forgive myself for his leaving.
I know that may sound odd, b/c I don't believe I derserved this either. The fact in my case is, I am harder on me than he could ever be. I have a huge empathy bone and in giving myself a break in some areas and staring in the mirror and being brutal in others, I have managed to let go of alot and really see him. We are so much alike that in having compassion for myself, I find more for him as well.
Grace - it does make sense. I spent a lot of time analyzing the situation. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING until I learned of OW. I know where I went wrong. I know what I would make changes in if I were to have the chance. I have changed in a lot of ways because of all of this.
Even though I know my H's affair is all on him----and I truly beleive we wouldn't be HERE if he hadn't taken that step (who doesn't right?), part of me still feels like that's on me too. If I were a better person, a better wife---he wouldn't have turned to someone else. If I were a better person, he would realize how important our family is and want to do all that it takes to come back.
What's hard to reconcile is that I think I am a good person. There were a lot of factors that led to how I acted/reacted when this all started-----the illness and death of my father, and problems with H's business that required a new job and a one way commute of 80 miles each day. I know where my head was at. I know how I handled that situation, and if I were able to do that all over again I would handle it differently.
However, I was dealing with the illness and later death of my father. I had three very active children that I ran all over the state on my own, becuase H was working. I did it all on my own then, much like today, except I kept envisioning an end to his commute and a return to my family----the fairy tale in my head. Instead, H wasn't there for me when I needed him on an emotional level and this was the time he began to drift away----Later I learn about OW at this other job and the relationship that continued even after that commute ended.
I have forgiven myself for a lot of things. Coming to grips with the fact that I don't get a "do over," another chance, has allowed me to get in that mindset of moving forward. I have allowed myself to believe that this isn't ALL my fault, but part of me still wishes there was something I could do or change about me that would bring him back. Some days I feel that if this was ALL my fault I could fix it all on my own and we could start over.......but I know that's not the case. I know, finally, that I cannot fix this on my own.
Most of the things that make me angry do have to do with the kids----how they get shorted, what they are missing out on because of all of this. For example, yesterday H called me (which is VERY unusual---not a text or email) and asked if it was ok if the girls went out to the "house" (our home) while he and S went to "band night." The "band" is another thing he turned to when he was running from our marriage. At one point he told me that he knew that his spending a lot of time (like all of his free time) with the band pissed me off----but he didn't care. Anyway, I was very polite and cordial and said, of course, no problem. I was running errands, but would be home later. However, it did make me mad that AGAIN he chose to have band night on "his weekend." The girls don't get it---and S11 goes when invited because I'm sure they act more like 11 year olds than almost 50 year olds-----and because S11 does ANYTHING he can to make us both happy. The last time he did this D16 had plans, and he brought D12 out. She ended up spending the night---and she was happy to be HOME. When this does happen part of me thinks HURRAY, I get more time with my kids---but then it makes me mad that he chooses the band over them.
H was supposed to come get the kids Friday. At one point D16 thought he was coming to get them early to take them to the gym for ball practice. At 12:30 D16 got a text from H saying he wouldn't be able to make the 1:00 gym time. She tried to contact him numerous times via text and phone. S11 joined in with the phone calls-----no answer to calls of texts. They were getting worried, I really wasn't because I'm used to the avoidance. S11 finally made contact with him a little after 6. He said he had been "on the phone," but would be out soon. He showed up around 7:15----acting especially strange. D16 rolled her eyes at me and when she hugged me, she expressed her concern about how he was acting. I later texted and asked if all was ok, and she said yes with a frowny face. When she was over last night she asked me why he was acting so weird----all last night and today---"weirder than usual." I told her I wish I had an explanation for her---and left it at that.
I don't know, this behavior was weirder than normal. He told me months ago that his relationship with OW ended when he moved out (which I knew wasn't true---and I wondered then if that was supposed to make me feel better). At this point I don't care anymore. When I think of him with her---while still wearing his wedding ring, that makes me very angry----but he's with her or not with her, I can't change that now. I find that he's lied to me about so many things for so long that I don't beleive anything he says----and I wish I could get past that. I might be able to have more compassion for him if I didn't think that. Some days I convince myself that he is "ill," and all of these things are symptoms of his illness......and when he gets better.....but then I know that he may not get better......this may be just who he is now.
I will think about compassion for myself and try to stop blaming me. This is something to think about......
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You are not to blame for what has happened to your family. This is a journey your h is taking to find himself and to face the demons of long ago. There was a piece of him that really didn't mature w/the rest of his "self" and that's what needs to be re-evaluated at this time. Please, do not blame yourself. Why? If there had been an issue w/something you had or hadn't done, he should have told you and not leave you in the dark. After all, we are not mind readers.
Be kind to yourself and know that you are a very good person and never question yourself about that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
