My H called me today. We are getting the house on Friday!!! I'm so excited. I have moved beyond the doubts and fears somewhat. I will deal with those issues (whether he intends to ditch me there, whether it will be harder being separated together, etc.) when I get there. Today is not that day. Worry is paralyzing - I can't move when I am worrying about five steps ahead of the one I need to take right now. All our stuff is coming in the same day (yikes he's crazy! That takes serious amounts of time!) He didn't really say much about when I should come down with the kids. pets, etc. just, "not before Friday." I almost answered, "Well no s*&%" but refrained. Now I am trying to find someone in my family crazy enough to make the trip with me so I don't have to drive all that way alone. I've done it and it's so hard.
But I'm planning to arrive Friday or early Saturday so I can start unpacking and he can spend the weekend with the boys - they are so happy we're finally going to see daddy. I am too; he may be an idiot from time to time, but he's my idiot and I love him.
The hardest thing right now is not telling him about all the things I've realized since getting my bipolar disorder under control. I had no idea just how much it was affecting my life. But if I tell him he will not listen, not care, or both. Somebody just remind me of this, ok? It's my nature to share my triumphs with him, but he's just not my H right now. Like I said, somebody give me a virtual shake.
I bought a cute pair of pajamas today. Nothing racy or even sexy, just a cute v-neck tee and black cotton pants with little hearts all over. But I'm hoping it drives him crazy - not being able to ML to me but seeing me comfortable not only in my clothes, but in my own skin. That's something I'm working on too. I'm learning to love me. I've spent too much time wallowing in the past, both about my physical appearance and my emotional/psychological mistakes. As my dearest friend likes to say, "So put your big girl panties on and deal with it!" This is not a time to sit and cry "woe is me." It's time to change what needs changing.
My essay is outlined and the first two paragraphs are written. I'm using Michele's principles to make little goals in lots of areas of my life, not just my M. I'm setting deadlines and, I was surprised to find, meeting them. So hopefully I will be able to tell you soon when you can read my essay in a magazine!
It's hard to say "no intimacy" because as blue said it's one of the few ways I still feel connected to my H. But to ML to him just makes me sad. And it isn't supposed to be that way. So I guess it's better to feel physically frustrated than emotionally devastated. But it's seriously going to suck!
And I haven't really worried about STI's. I guess I was telling myself "He would never be that irresponsible." But I hate to admit - I was. Part of hyper-sexuality (a manifestation of bipolar disorder and not the same as my A, but just as unsavory) is total irresponsibility and recklessness. It's a miracle I never got anything. They tested me during each of my pregnancies - all fine. When you brought it up, blue, it made me think. And it also brought to mind the worry, what if he gets her pregnant? I have no answers to that. Only even more questions...so I try not to dwell on it.
I'm also going to be telling all my girlfriends that I need to step back right now. I will still be there for them, but I have been far too wrapped up in their lives. As I say, I have always had the need/desire to help people, to save them, to be their rock. I very rarely lean on anyone; I am the safe place, so I can't look to them to be my safe place. That was sort of my logic. But now I am calling my girls in. I need their support now as much as they have needed me in the past. And the only person I can focus on saving right now is me. Not that I don't still listen. My friend called me from Germany and we talked until 4 am! But I tend to take the problems other people share with me and carry them as though they were my very own. I just can't do that anymore. I have to carry myself for awhile.
I guess that's me for now. Gotta get my hair cut in the next few days...it's making me nuts! Hope you all are having a good weekend!
P.S. - I forgot. How do I stop seeing pictures of my H with OW in my head? I hate it - she even looks a lot like me! Maybe I should take this as a good sign...he wants me, just happier, nicer, and more motivated. But I still hate the pictures.
Last edited by undefeated; 01/10/1009:13 AM. Reason: left something out
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Gotta get my hair cut in the next few days...it's making me nuts! Hope you all are having a good weekend!
