Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[undefeated]

Can you tell us why the separation occurred? Was there an A, or you just drifted apart, or what?

I would bet she is uncertain too. When I ended my A and went back to my husband I often wondered why he would want me. Did I do the right thing? Would/could things really get better? And on and on.

As for the flagging attraction, that is only to be expected. You are going through one of the hardest times in your life and getting emotionally beaten up by someone who is supposed to love you. It's hard to want to ML when you feel resentment and disappointment.

The feeling dragging me down that I should have let the marriage end stayed in the pit of my stomach for a while, and then reappeared yesterday.

Expect there to be ups and downs in the healing process. I am still hating it because my rollercoaster ride seems to be more valleys than hills. And my heart and stomach bottom out every time. Try to detach from your feelings; I know it's not easy. But you need logic, not emotions right now.

When I read others` posts about how they worked and dedicated themselves to their marriages, it makes me upset that my wife isn`t trying to do a 180 to save ours.

This is your process. Everyone has a different journey - it's just that some of the bumps and potholes look the same. So don't feel like their success will look like yours. Perhaps your wife doesn't know you will really let her go. As long as you are her fall-back guy, why should she make an effort? You obviously want to make this work. But she seems to be on the fence about it. Show her exactly what she stands to lose. Skip thinking about the 180's she's not doing. Do 180's yourself, GAL, make goals, read the books. Don't get lost in what she is or is not doing. This time is about you.

You are responsible for your own happiness. This was a hard lesson for me (still is actually). As long as my happiness is centered around my H or my kids or my job or making everyone else's life easier, it's not mine. It's something anyone can take away. Make your happiness your own. You weren't always married. And I bet before you were you found things that made you happy. The point I'm trying to make is that your happiness wasn't always tied to your wife. It doesn't have to be now either. Happy people can make happy marriages; doesn't really work so well the other way around.

It sounds like your counselor is dissecting the past, which feels great! But it doesn't get you anywhere. Knowing why the cheese got moved doesn't get you closer to finding it again. So maybe you need to ask your counselor if they are solution oriented. The counselor you choose needs to fit your needs; don't try to fit your needs to their program.

So are you getting a D? I wasn't entirely clear on that.

Happy "enough"...interesting thought. But happiness is an emotion, which is changeable. I think that you are looking for something deeper. We often talk about being happy here, but I think we tend to mean something like "content" or "satisfied" or "settled" or some combination of it all. Nobody is happy all the time. But you need to feel a deep sense of satisfaction with your life as a whole. And only you can choose how you get there.