So 1 of the reasons my H wants out is the lack of sex. He was so jealous in the earlier years of our maariage...I couldn't even smile at another man w/out his thinking I was screwing him. I realize I must have built some form of barrier. I was afraid to do anything new or try anything new cuz I thought he would accuse me. Even after he got over being so jealous, the barrier still existed. Then he had an assumed affair while he was going to school for his Bachelor's. The OW H called me. I forgave him and we started working on our marriage. That was probably 1990 or 1991.
Just to give a little of my past...In 1994 I started a new job. I worked long hours. But we were having a house built and this job was helping to pay the bills. I worked for a man who was very good at seduction (and I am not using that as an excuse I take full responsibility. He got me and others in our office caught up in his chaos and his life. It was at a time in my life (1996) when my H acted like he cared for everything else more then me. The PA started and it was not what I thought it would be--it was very 1 sided and the guilt...well I tried to end it and he (my boss)started w/ the threats...I will tell your H, you will lose you house, your kids etc. He knew exactly what to say to keep me trapped. I think it lasted not quite a year. The day I stood up to him and told him to fire me and tell my H was a victorious day for me. The PA ended but the verbal abuse got worse. My boss blamed me for everything that happened in his life. Looking back I feel like I was brainwashed and I now know I should have left but we were in over our heads finacially and I couldn't find another job that paid as much (we ended up filing bankruptcy in 1999). I could have sued but didn't want to deal w/ it in court. 5 1/2 yrs ago I left that horrible situation...things happen for a reason and maybe that situation happened to give me the courage to stand up for myself...I don't know.
Now back to the present. It wasn't until my H stated he wanted out of our M that the sex barrier came down. I no longer cared about his reactions. I did what I thought would make me feel better, sexier, and wanted. We started communicating. He always suspected my affair and I finally didn't denied it(if we were going to start over I didn't want the fear of it hanging over my head any longer)and He finally told me that he had sexual intercourse w/ his first affair. It got us talking about what we wanted sexually. As sick as it sounds we had the best sex that we ever had. I wasn't afraid to try new things. I also wanted to show him that the sex could be great. And it was for weeks. Now his excuse for not trying to repair our M is that he just can't get over the fact that I had sex w/ another man even though he told me he wanted out before I confirmed my affair of 14 yrs ago.
We hadn't had sex in 9 days and today we were talking about sexual things and had sex. He had no problems what so ever. But it was only physical and although it was satisfing that way...the intimancy wasn't there. Now I feel like I cheated myself somehow. I just can't have a physical only relationship...I need the intimancy. Am I making this harder on myself my cohabitating w/ him. II guess I am just really confused about what I feel and what I want and should be doing and I know I need to set some boundries but I don't know how to start.
