Gardner, man I am very thankful to have gotten your ear and words in my sitch here. I cannot tell you how much your responses mean. She ended up coming home around 1:30 in the morning and actually tried to tell me that she was at work the whole time....funny her FB page with pics posted at the bar seems to indicate otherwise! This sounds mean but lately she has became for a lack of a better word----DUMB! Her stories are funny except they are happening to me, and her lies are more and more ridiculous. Oh well, I have been trying to GAL and PMA my butt off and I have been doing a decent job of it. I have been getting out both weekend nights and a couple of times during the week. I have also been making a point to take S2 to places by myself and no longer attend any event, dinner, or other with W. However, even though i have accepted this as my new reality, I do not like it. Others have talked about this before I think as well, at this point I no longer miss and long for W I just really miss and long for a W in general. I am for sure a relationship guy and am not looking forward to starting over again. I know that what I had before was not going to be fulfilling in the end but I am scared of not finding that at all now.... I will say that I know that I am in no way ready, or willing to date anyone right now---not fair to them or me, however I have talked casually to 2 girls while out with buddies and while joking and going back and forth both of them found out about S2 and just said..."oh, you have a kid--I dont deal with THAT baggage!" Now a couple of things about that, I would never ever want to compromise on having someone instead of my son so those people in of itself does not bother me, but Wow! what an eye-opener, not only am I single, divorced (soon to be), older, but now have "baggage" on top of that? This is not going to be to much fun in the upcoming weeks, and months I feel.......
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Gardner, man I am very thankful to have gotten your ear and words in my sitch here. I cannot tell you how much your responses mean. She ended up coming home around 1:30 in the morning and actually tried to tell me that she was at work the whole time....funny her FB page with pics posted at the bar seems to indicate otherwise!Stop looking at that! This sounds mean but lately she has became for a lack of a better word----DUMB! Her stories are funny except they are happening to me, and her lies are more and more ridiculous. Oh well, I have been trying to GAL and PMA my butt off and I have been doing a decent job of it.Good. As long as you're doing it for you. No expectations re: M or R. I have been getting out both weekend nights and a couple of times during the week. I have also been making a point to take S2 to places by myself and no longer attend any event, dinner, or other with W. However, even though i have accepted this as my new reality, I do not like it. Yet. Others have talked about this before I think as well, at this point I no longer miss and long for W I just really miss and long for a W in general. I am for sure a relationship guy and am not looking forward to starting over again.Be a "stand alone" guy for a while and heal and grow and you will be an "R" guy again. When you're ready and when the time is right - for you. And by then, you WILL look forward to it. And it will be wonderful.I know that what I had before was not going to be fulfilling in the end but I am scared of not finding that at all now....Just live your life and see who shows up. You'll heal better with a good period of alone/regroup/alone time, anyway. I waited 13 months and someone showed up. First "date" this Friday. No expectations, just adult female company and conversation. I will say that I know that I am in no way ready, or willing to date anyone right now---not fair to them or me, however I have talked casually to 2 girls while out with buddies and while joking and going back and forth both of them found out about S2 and just said..."oh, you have a kid--I dont deal with THAT baggage!" Their (immature) loss. Brush it off. Tells you all you need to know. Now a couple of things about that, I would never ever want to compromise on having someone instead of my son so those people in of itself does not bother me, but Wow! what an eye-opener, not only am I single, divorced (soon to be), older, but now have "baggage" on top of that? So someone uses the word "baggage" and you immediately equate your precious son in your mind as "baggage"? C'mon!! Someday, you will be a prize for a worthy woman. And you'll be a double surprise as a mature, concerned Dad with a son. This is not going to be to much fun in the upcoming weeks, and months I feel....... You got that right. But, then, the upcoming months of ordeal, healing and growth shouldn;t be "fun"...except for the GALing part!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Can I consider this an official 2X4? And after re-reading my post I think that I would 2x4 me as well. A little whiny for sure, but I am having good and bad days both right now. I am not doing any GAL activities for anyone but me right now. I think that getting away from this environment will do wonders for me in as much as I will not be forced to see W everyday and can get another place to make all my own. That will give me plenty of opportunity to keep busy and stay active. Along those lines I am actively looking at homes now and it is just a matter of W getting her S*** in order in regards to a re-finance and than getting a parenting agreement signed so that I can move on....
Also, no I do not consider my S2 "baggage" I am just more sad that he will not get to grow up with his mom and dad like we all got to. My W and I will be the first D on my side of the family that I know of going back past my grandparents, so while everyone is being encouraging they do not really know what feelings are there I think.
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Can I consider this an official 2X4? Nah! You're doing fine. And after re-reading my post I think that I would 2x4 me as well. A little whiny for sure, but I am having good and bad days both right now. I am not doing any GAL activities for anyone but me right now. I think that getting away from this environment will do wonders for me in as much as I will not be forced to see W everyday and can get another place to make all my own.Very important. That will give me plenty of opportunity to keep busy and stay active. Along those lines I am actively looking at homes now and it is just a matter of W getting her S*** in order in regards to a re-finance and than getting a parenting agreement signed so that I can move on....
Also, no I do not consider my S2 "baggage"Oh, I know you don't! I was just commenting on your comment:"Wow! what an eye-opener, not only am I single, divorced (soon to be), older, but now have "baggage" on top of that?" I am just more sad that he will not get to grow up with his mom and dad like we all got to. My W and I will be the first D on my side of the family that I know of going back past my grandparents, so while everyone is being encouraging they do not really know what feelings are there I think.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hey Gardner thanks for checking on me, I just got back from watching some football with the guys, one thing that has been a tremendous positive is that I have really found out that I have some terrific friends. And even if my marriage had not crumbled apart it is/was a shame that I had lost that part of myself over the last few years. I stopped going out and seeing my old friends and just taking a life break and chilling out every once in awhile....that has been nice re-connecting and getting back in the swing of having a life!
Now the bad, at the end of the night i feel absolutely broken and hurt still, not leaving the party or the bar or whatever with my W (really not my old w, just my W) is very lonely and it makes me feel really shameful and alone. I miss the happy family that I always thought I would have.
More to the immediate point of concern crazy FIL is/will be barred from contact of any kind while not supervised if my L and I have our way. I have been extremely fortunate to find a very caring and smart attorney who I feel very comfortable with. It is always nice to absorb some crap from W and than check in with L and find out how ridiculous/crazy she is.
Another interesting note, I went to lunch with a common friend that I was actually friends with years before W. She is a girl and a co-worker of at first mine and now my W. I wanted to get in touch with her and let her know what was going on for a couple of reasons: 1) I value this person and her friendship and wanted to make sure that she knew that. 2) W has repeatedly told me that she would make sure that when this is all said and done that everyone will hate me and never speak to me again....
Well, I told my friend that W had filed for a D and right away she just said how bad she felt for me and that she has suspected that there is/was an A going on (which there is) and who it was with (she was right). She went on to validate almost everything that I have felt and seen from W over the last 1-1.5 years(without any prodding from me)
Not sure how healthy this is but this made me feel real good about myself as this was an outside person that is/was friends with both of us individually and as a couple for a long time and she cannot believe the things that W is doing--personally, professionally, romantically, morally, etc...
I have not seen W much at all this week which has been nice, I am sure tomorrow will be bad as usually the end of the weekends are the worst. Will check in and hopefully have you fine folks on to help me out!
Last edited by ytjuy; 01/10/1006:02 AM.
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
Ugh...I am tired of this. I knew today was going to be tough and it did not disappoint. W went to a baby shower today for a friend of ours. Before this we had agreed that I would have S2 during the day and that she could have him this afternoon/evening. So, all of a sudden W is getting little guy ready and I ask what she is doing and she replies that she decided that she was going to take S2 to the baby shower since I did not want to watch him???!!! I tell her that I never said that and she says "I know that you don't want to watch him and you are just pretending to want to to hurt me"??
I respond to her that it is not up for debate that we have already agreed and that I have plans. She than gets very angry and accuses me of telling all of "her" friends about the D and that I am just trying to make everyone hate her. Funny that is what she has been threatening/trying to do this whole time. I tell her that I am not interested in slinging mud about our personal life and that I am also not interested in arguing with her like a 5 year old and that I am leaving and will be back between 2:30-3:00 and leave.
W than starts texting me (I hate that text was ever invented) around 1:00 asking where I am and when will I be home. I just ignored it. After I got home (@ 3:00) she is waiting for me telling me to enjoy the time with S2 as she will make sure that I do not get to see him anymore than I have to after the D. I told her to have her L call my L and that the state feels differently about that.
Whats the point of all of this rambling?......nothing really just that it feels good to stand up for myself against her and that she will stoop to any low that she can in order to try and get a reaction out of to help convince her that I am some "horrible monster" that she needs me to be.
It is actually a bit funny(except it is my life) to watch her, she acts like a chimp at the zoo. Poke her with a stick and watch her go she is the amazing Walk-away Wife Chimp!!
She is at her parents house now with crazy FIL so I am sure her return home tonight will be awesome, I can't wait!!
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
it is/was a shame that I had lost that part of myself over the last few years. I stopped going out and seeing my old friends and just taking a life break and chilling out every once in awhile....that has been nice re-connecting and getting back in the swing of having a life!
You didn't lose part of yourself. You went on to a new part of yourself. It's called "contentment", "nesting", "being home." It's normal. But, man, isn't it good to re-connect despite (or because of) the reason? See that bar in front of you? Hang onto it because the roller coaster emotion ride you're on is going to be a serious one. I'm glad to hear you have a good lawyer, especially as it pertains to lunatic FIL (allow me to scratch myself and burp while I quote from one of the Rocky movies, here: "He's just a man. Be more of a man than him!" )
Originally Posted By: ytjuy
it feels good to stand up for myself against her and that she will stoop to any low that she can in order to try and get a reaction out of to help convince her that I am some "horrible monster" that she needs me to be.
Yep. And you're standing up just fine. There are many boundary statements you could probably lay down for her re: knowing what you're thinking, feeling, trying to do, just to name a few, but it would probably be a complete waste of time at this point. To WASs, we LBSs are "horrible monsters." We have to be or their carefully-constructed, self-justifying fiction collapses like the house of cards it is. From your posts, I'd say you've either done an awful amount of reading since you got here or your thinking is very instinctive.
Keep your sense of humor. Keep standing up for yourself. Stop poking the chimp!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Oh, and ytjuy, re: the Horrible Monster, here's a whole slew of different/identical takes that were recently posted over at givingitmyall's Limbo thread:
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I completely agree that my W is in full WAS mode right now and is saying things she knows are untrue to try to convince herself what she is doing is ok.
Originally Posted By: Ddogs
Exactly,, for the WAW it's all about THEM justifying their actions so they aren't the "bad guy"... In my sitch my WAS would have claimed the moon was made of green cheese if it would have justified/supported her actions in her mind...
Originally Posted By: antlers
Yep, they say things they know are untrue to try to convince themselves that what they are doing is OK. They try to justify what they're doing, even if it means misrepresenting the truth.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Some WAS's have this odd fantasy they can treat their spouse like a second class citizens, lie, cheat, steal <insert transgression here> but figure once a bit of time has passed things will be "all good" and let's be buddies.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
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