Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

I have Wii fit as well. When my sister got me a Wii for Christmas I went over and got the game and balance board from W because she doesn't use it.

I estimate she's spent $2,500 on equipment to get back in shape that she never used.

The only two things that worked for her was running after D10 was born. She got down to a size 2. And the Power 90 tapes after D7. She got down to a size 4 and was a little buff. She stopped doing the Power 90 in 2006 and started gaining weight in 2007 ... which became part of the whole drama.

I use the Wii to jog in place mostly. I'm five pounds over my high school graduation weight. I actually would like to bulk up and add 5 to 10 pounds of muscle.

I'll try the yoga stuff more. I'm not very flexible despite being in good shape.

[C-Bart]

Mishka, C-Bart, you guys make good points. I'm very concerned about the rebound relationship -- that the first person I click with I just fall madly for because of my R addiction.

But I want to get out and go places and I'll give dating a shot -- if I find people to date. I'm out of practice in looking and asking.

I want to keep all doors in my life open -- including the one to W however remote that chance is, at least right now.

I'm not concerned about a rebound relationship in my case. More concerned that if I pursue another realationship I will fall back into old "Nice Guy" habits and loose myself again. Not saying you are the same way. I just know my limits.

Let me add that I'm even nervous about getting into a R with my W at this time should the opportunity arise. I can not go back to being the old Bart. He does not exist anymore.

[mishka422]

CTH - If you still have feelings for w, still want the possibility of R with her, then you can not date. That has the potential of bringing a 3rd person into your R and a M can not be R'd with a 3rd person there. Also, you have to face the potential of hurting another person because you still have feelings for w. Even after D, a person should not get involved in a relationship if their feelings for the ex-spouse are not resolved.

No one says you can't go out and have fun with others, but make them others of the same sex. You aren't closing a door to possibly having a SO in the future, you are helping yourself come to terms with your own feelings in a safe environment. Go out with male friends, have a blast! No women.

[ClingingToHope]

I respect your opinion Mishka, but I still have strong feelings for my first girlfriend. I still have strong feelings for my college girlfriend. I'm going to have feelings for W forever.

So do I just sit and wait for those to go away forever?

Another thing I've been thinking about a lot today is how hopeless it is for W to ever come back to me. I was driving D10 around today and I was remembering the good times with W -- a typical LBS thing to do -- and then I started really struggling with identifying truly happy moments after D7 was born.

They were very few and far between and that gibes with the first time I heard the D word from W. She's truly struggled with the M for five to six years.

I didn't see it or chose not to see it because of how she would say early in our marriage that she woke up every day worrying I had left in the night.

For a long time I just took her for granted because of that.

It's starting to sink in to my thick head that these past six years have truly been unhappy. There's a lot that perhaps I could have done differently. I think now that I focused so much on the happiness of the kids -- because I thought that was what family's should do -- that I forgot to focus on her feelings. W should have been No. 1 in my heart and the kids second. It wasn't that way and she realized it. I would do things I thought would make her happy but I didn't really keep working at recognizing her feelings.

Realizing that and I think that the best I can hope for from W is for her to eventually remember she did love me once -- truly love me -- and to remember those good times. Right now, she's totally focused on erasing my memory. When I do have to go to the house, it's as if I didn't exist.

So Mishka, I'll always have feelings for W, but isn't it time for me to turn the page.

[C-Bart]

CTH, Your falling back into a trap. It is not, nor has it ever been your job to make your W happy. Did you miss signs maybe. Did she bring up her unhappiness -no.

Don't take on more than your share. Be careful of the revisionist history. Your starting to sound like a WAS.

[dwinter82]

I agree with C-bart.

CTH, I think it is healthy to think about the family and reflect on special moments that happened in the past. It hurts now but in the not to distant future it will make you smile. However, do not dwell on them now. Your W is as much to blame for the situation as you are. Do not second guess yourself. You are here, you want to fight for the M and the family. In my book that says a lot about your character.

I keep telling myself to focus on me, not the W or the broken M. What kind of person do I want to be? How do I accomplish that?

Like me, you need to turn the page, but we need to do so for the right reasons and within the right time frame. This is something I am still working on.

Your W is not erasing you from her memories, she is just creating new ones. That is your job as well.

[mishka422]

I'm thinking you missed the point there.

I didn't say don't move on in the future, don't have another R. I said don't do that while you are still resolving your R with your w. That isn't fair to yourself or the person you date.

Of course you'll always have feelings for your w. You would be heartless if you didn't. You said you still have feelings for your first girlfriend. Are they of a romantic nature or are they fond memories that create happy feelings? That's the difference. If you are still having strong romantic feelings for your first gf and eventually M'd your wife with those feelings still rolling in your head, that wasn't fair to your w. Do you see where I was headed with that? No one expects you to put your feelings away, they are always with you. The type of feelings though should change with time and distance. When they do, then you are ready to date.

I'll tell you, Gabe's been gone over 2 years now. I now look back and see all the years that we weren't in sync. I see how we co-existed and lived as if that were enough because neither one of us could communicate what we truly needed. Even knowing all of that, I still love Gabe. A part of my heart will always be his, but that doesn't mean that I could ever been involved with him again. I know that. If a man came along that wanted to ask me out, I would go. The awareness I have now has made me strong and made me know what I need in a R. There are no romantic feelings left toward Gabe though, only loving memories.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very well, but I hope it's clear. Do what will make you feel like you are taking control in your life, but not at the possible expense of someone else's feelings or further damage to your own. That would be no better than what our WAS's did.

[ClingingToHope]

I see your points Mishka. I don't know if I'll every truly be over romantic feelings for W. I still have them for the others I mentioned before. I never felt I was short-changing W because I didn't act on them, talk about them.

Really, we're arguing a theory because I haven't been presented with any opportunities really. I did go out as friends as part of a group with a lady around Thanksgiving three times.

It felt really good to get out and do things and have a female to talk to.

I worry about "waiting" until I'm truly over W because that might just give me reason in my head to sit and mope and watch life go by.

The brain quieting exercise has helped a bit today. I'm sitting at the Y waiting for a friend. He wants to start a business as a spin off from this side job we do. I'm not a risk-taker by nature so I'm going to be a tough sell. But maybe I need to change that in my life.

[mishka422]

I worry about "waiting" until I'm truly over W because that might just give me reason in my head to sit and mope and watch life go by.

The question I still have is why you feel life will be passing you by if you don't have a woman in your life? I know you said you think you're addicted to being in a R. That is not a good thing.....addictions were meant to be broken. You must be perfectly content all alone, a R won't heal you, your own actions will.

[ClingingToHope]

Long strange day. Just got D7 and D10 to sleep. D10 has had a really emotional weekend. Her first rehearsal for her play was last night. I picked her up at 9 p.m. It took me a minute to get D7 in the car -- a mini meltdown over Oreo cookies.

When we got in the car D10 was balling. She said all of the other plays when she got out of rehearsal she got to go home to mommy and daddy. Now, she misses mommy when she's with daddy and she misses daddy when she's with mommy.

I didn't know what to say so I just held her hand.

Today, she had another rehearsal. When I picked her up D7 went down to see W who is on the costume committee.

W ended up carrying D7 back and D10 was sitting with me. D7 said she didn't want to leave mommy. I said "honey, it's my weekend." And D10 said "I don't understand why don't you guys get back together?"

W didn't say a word and walked away. I looked the other direction.

We spent the rest of the night at the apartment. Playing the Wii, watching movies. D10 had homework and kept dragging her feet. Finally, she asked me if we would skip church tomorrow if she wasn't done with her homework.

I told her no, we were going to church but if she didn't finish her homework then we weren't going swimming.

That set her off on about an hour drama of crying, yelling. D7 didn't help things by pretending she was going to bite her every time she calmed down. D10 is a drama queen and D7 knows she can get a rise out of her.

I finally lost it. Telling her loudly to just do her homework.

So after 10 more minutes of crying, I went upstairs to calm her down.

It all comes back to what's happening in the M. D10 is taking it worst of all. She said she doesn't understand why we don't get together because we are getting along so well when we are around each other.

I told her that I've given her too much hope. That this is our life now.

She didn't like that. I told her it took me a long time to realize it as well.

Things got better after that.

Just put her to sleep and we had another long talk.

An interesting thing right before bed though. A couple of months ago D10 told me W was always happy. Tonight she said W is getting sad alot. She'll start crying at night and D10 will ask her why and she'll say she's sad about work.

I asked her if it's happening a lot. She said it's pretty regular now, a couple of times a week.

Luckily the lights were out in the room. Otherwise D10 would have seen me turn my head and smile. W's job is her identity and someday it's going to kill her.

I felt bad about smiling.

W makes $10k more a year than me even though she doesn't have a college education. But I wouldn't trade places with her for all the yen in China. I love my job. I can do it until I'm 100 -- as long as the newspaper industry survives.