I have 2 related questions. I would like opinions on these 2 issues.
#1. How dark should I get? I am afraid if I am Totally Dark, WH will think I have moved on, (he has thought this before when I have tossed him out, in spite of my saying I want our marriage but not as long as your affair continues.)If not dark enough, he will continue to sit on the fence. He "loves us both and can't imagine his life with out either of us in it".
#2 After 2 weeks of total dark, he sends an email that simply says "Miss you". What do I do with that??
A quick background...we met in 1985, married in 1989, 3 kids born in 90's, saved for and built an awesome house...moved in 2005, WH started EA in fall of 2007, PA in Feb 2008, I discovered in Sept 2008.
I went nuts for a month while being gaslighted and finally in early Nov, said me or her. He packed and moved into a no-tell motel she had rented when she found that I had found out. She left her BH the next day...a coincidence WH says. I vacillated between Pleading and trying to get him to come to his senses, and giving up. In Feb 2008 WH asks to come home. Soon, I realized he was still in contact and by April I had signs that full PA had resumed. I tossed him again in May 09. He went directly back to her no-tell motel room. After weeks of listening to stories about their wonderful new life activities and travel, I had had it. "end the relationship and come home, or file." He came home. So, for the last 6 months, I have tried to meet his needs, was busy with the kids, the house, charity groups, friends, parties,...our life. He slept on the Den floor, But thought nothing of sharing our bathroom, my shower. I realized that he had not given her up at Thanksgiving, and left for a few days to figure out what to do. When I returned home, I told him we would get through the holidays and discuss a plan after. The day after Christmas, i walked into his office and noticed it was all cleaned up. I asked if he was packing...No he was just cleaning up. He was gone within 18 hours. Said he loved me...more than before...wasn't sure what to do but there was too much pain "everywhere". Sent him an email, asking that he not contact me while he was involved with her. I also said, when he was permanatly done with her, I may be willing to discuss a future. DS hasn't heard from him but DD16 has had a few conversations. He has made it clear to them, they are not a part of his life anymore. IC says to move on. It is pretty clear he has made his choice. I feel the same...but... he did say he can't imagine growing old without me. He doesn't want a divorce. That he is still "stuck".
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
well, as Ive read on here countless times stay dark! as for how long you plan to wait seems like a choice you have to decide when you feel enough waiting and move on.. See he knows you want him back, and when he is ready he will and "Stop at nothing" so for your sake if your done or not the plan is the same stand your ground and NC
I know thats prob dot quite your answers you were looking for but its your best chance
IDK i think the I miss you line is classic WAS mine did that alot its to keep you on there little leash
Ok, I'm so sorry I don't have time to answer you right now, but I promise to respond at length sometime tonight.
There are definitely people here with great ideas...stay with us!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Boundaries: No contact with me while he is building a life with her. Kids are old enough and have their own phones and email so they/he can have contact and not involve me. I told him i would not file until I felt stronger and was ready to tackle lawyers. I left it at that...
I am pretty sure he is done with me, I am a just-in-case. But DD says he is still wearing his wedding ring. Wonder how OW feels about that.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Let him go. If he ever says he wants to reconcile again, you need to ask for FULL TRANSPARENCY.
Have you ever had a transparency plan as part of these waltzes back home?
Puppy
No. We have IC's who are partners and communicate. We(I) was waiting for them to give the ok for joint sessions to begin processing what's happened to our marriage. Duh!!! That wasn't happening because WH was still involved w/ OW. My IC doesn't say much to me so I think his IC is just not giving him much guidance. His head is way up his B^%$. I forgot to mention that, last year, shortly b4 Christmas, he suggested moving her into our home as cook and kid helper. Said she would be a good influence on kids! (They are both PhD's!!) He brought this up again last month! I said bring it! Let's call her right now! He backed off! ROFL!!!
I doubt he will want to come back this time. I am afraid to think about it. I suppose our IC's could help us hammer out a plan. He has to give her up totally and I do not see that happening. She seems very much in control of his thoughts and actions. I am losing interest in the man he has become. Maybe if he was living by himself for awhile, spend some time pursuing me, I would consider talking about him returning.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Right, so the question you have asked is one I have asked myself a thousand times already, and I am only two months in (bomb right after Thanksgiving, A had been going on since September) - How dark is dark?
The fact is, only you can answer this. I know it is miserable. You want to call, to have a reason to call so you can justify it. But contacting him is opening a door to hurt you. Every time you are in contact with him it will remind you of the A, even if he doesn't talk about it outright. You deserve better than a constant reminder of this. Let him think you've moved on. Someone here very cleverly and none to gently told me - you've already lost him. He left you for her; don't let him take your self-respect with him.
cutterbug>>
Originally Posted By: cutterbug
Do not respond. He is going to have to hit rock bottom. Let him go. Let him experience the complete loss of you and his family.
He's absolutely 100% right. I was pregnant and sitting in a jail cell when I finally hit rock bottom, so understand that it can be a long fall. My H took our vehicle, our finances, and only left our son with my parents because he had no child care set up, and as a soldier had to have some care plan in place. Rock bottom is different for everyone, but you will probably know when he's there (I don't promise that). But once he is, it becomes painfully clear what he stands to lose and may have already lost.
I am proud of your boundaries -it shows you respect yourself and know you deserve better than what he is trying.
PDT - Why don't you outline a transparency plan for us, please. I think it would be very useful to many.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
