Not Me...Ever part 2

[Gardener]

Journal ~

I feel off today - I don't know why.

Between working 6 days a week and trying to make time for the boys as well as do everything that used to take the 2 of us, I don't have a moment to myself anymore...I know how you feel. I have no young ones - wish I still did, sometimes - but my six-day weeks ended just last week. Thank God!

I am so tired & so drained - Mentally, physically and emotionally. So was I. And the worst part was that I,- Mr. exercise-nutrition-juicing-supplement-taking -meditating-hiking Gardener slowly eliminated every one of those regimens this past year...when I needed them most. Pick something you used to/would like to do. Just one. And do it. I started back in with one. Am on my third. Feel a world better.

Everyone around me treats me like I am about to shatter - Worried if the next thing is going to send me off to the looney bin. Ignore 'em. Screw 'em. Or better yet: fake an "episode" of what Smiley's Person so aptly describes as "batchitcrazy" and send 'em running for cover for a while!

I swear if one more person asks me if I took my meds today I may just punch them in the throat.

Yes I am medicated however that doesn't mean I can't have a down day - I still have emotions, a whole range of them that overcome me each and everyday. Yep.Me, too.

For the past couple of days the unfairness of the sitch has taken over in each thing I do...

***Resentment has creeped in - Anger is sitting on the threshold...

I am mad that I have to do everything. I would be, too. I have been, too!

I am mad he just walked out without looking back.Good

I am mad he gets to be the "disneyland" Dad and I am nothing but a b***hrole-modeling, limit-setting, loving mama bear.

I am mad I can't go to the bathroom by myself. ? (Ignore, if personal)

I am mad I can't leave the house without my little one having a meltdown for fear I won't come back. Yet.

I am mad I don't have answers. Yet.

I am mad he doesn't care - How do you build something for 20 years and then destroy it without a care in the world? By being a pr!ck?

I am mad that I see so many spouses doing this each and everyday. Yep.

I am mad I spent hours helping a friend out of suicide last night because her SO did this to her 1 month ago and she didn't deserve this. Get Friend to Dr. It's your duty.

I am mad at myself because sometimes suicide seems like the better route then the undescribable daily pain. Serenity!! Understandable, to some extent, but get thee to thy IC and discuss this! Don't make me come down there after you, girl!

I am mad at another friend whose H did this to her and she has taken the wrong road in dealing with it (ie: massive amounts of sex partners, drugs, drinking etc...) Pity her. Help if you can. Don't be mad. While wrongheaded and dangerous, her pain, her reaction.

I am mad that my H feels like he is a worthy parent because he is spending 3 whole hours with the boys tomorrow - Big friggen whoop. Couldn't have said it better, myself!

I am mad that the "karma bus" hasn't run these wandering spouses over by now and the pain is dragged on and on and on until the LBS has no choice but to hit rock bottom and then go from there. Karma bus is slow. But it runs.

I am mad that no matter what I do, I can't seem to "desensitize" myself to the pain I carry. What are you doing?

I am mad when I hear people say "Get over it, it has been such and such days/months/years". "I'll be over it when I'm over it. My healing. My timetable, thankyewverymuch." Clods.

I am mad that I chose this prison I am now in. You chose it? What am I missing, here?

I am mad I don't have much Faith in myself and the choices I have made. Maybe not now, but, oh yes you do. I've heard you!

I am mad decent that even after everything my H has done, I still love him with my whole heart because quite frankly, it would be easier if I could hate him.

So yes today, I am mad and I am unbelievably sad...I would like nothing better then a couple of hours to sort through my emotions however I can't because everyone wants something from meSometimes you have to - have to - say, "No." and all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide from the world.

***My resentment went away - just went away - one day when it dawned on me that I didn't resent Mrs. G for x, y, and z, etc. That resentment, I realized was misdirected disappointment in and anger at myself for allowing x, for not speaking up about y, for passively seething about z, etc. From that, I think I learned something and forgave myself for my shortcomings in acceptingx,y,z behaviors.

Serenity: Thank you for journaling and sharing. It's good for you. It's good for me and all of us.
When you feel like this, tap into the very real strength and compassion that emanates from this board.People here pull for you, pray for you, love you (take me, fer instance.)