What Now?

[WhatNow]

I have 2 related questions. I would like opinions on these 2 issues.

#1. How dark should I get? I am afraid if I am Totally Dark, WH will think I have moved on, (he has thought this before when I have tossed him out, in spite of my saying I want our marriage but not as long as your affair continues.)If not dark enough, he will continue to sit on the fence. He "loves us both and can't imagine his life with out either of us in it".

#2 After 2 weeks of total dark, he sends an email that simply says "Miss you". What do I do with that??

A quick background...we met in 1985, married in 1989, 3 kids born in 90's, saved for and built an awesome house...moved in 2005, WH started EA in fall of 2007, PA in Feb 2008, I discovered in Sept 2008.

I went nuts for a month while being gaslighted and finally in early Nov, said me or her. He packed and moved into a no-tell motel she had rented when she found that I had found out. She left her BH the next day...a coincidence WH says. I vacillated between Pleading and trying to get him to come to his senses, and giving up. In Feb 2008 WH asks to come home. Soon, I realized he was still in contact and by April I had signs that full PA had resumed. I tossed him again in May 09. He went directly back to her no-tell motel room. After weeks of listening to stories about their wonderful new life activities and travel, I had had it. "end the relationship and come home, or file." He came home. So, for the last 6 months, I have tried to meet his needs, was busy with the kids, the house, charity groups, friends, parties,...our life. He slept on the Den floor, But thought nothing of sharing our bathroom, my shower. I realized that he had not given her up at Thanksgiving, and left for a few days to figure out what to do. When I returned home, I told him we would get through the holidays and discuss a plan after. The day after Christmas, i walked into his office and noticed it was all cleaned up. I asked if he was packing...No he was just cleaning up. He was gone within 18 hours. Said he loved me...more than before...wasn't sure what to do but there was too much pain "everywhere". Sent him an email, asking that he not contact me while he was involved with her. I also said, when he was permanatly done with her, I may be willing to discuss a future. DS hasn't heard from him but DD16 has had a few conversations. He has made it clear to them, they are not a part of his life anymore. IC says to move on. It is pretty clear he has made his choice. I feel the same...but... he did say he can't imagine growing old without me. He doesn't want a divorce. That he is still "stuck".