Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

OK Bridge. If I give it to her , there's no guarantee that she'll read it...but she might. There's no guarantee that she'll take it seriously...but she might. It might even help her to understand what went down and why. And it might even help her to heal. And it might even motivate her to help with the kids instead of doing what she's doing.
But NONE of it is going to happen via Stosney if she's not given Stosney. That's a certainty. Many good things for her, the kids, and myself are 'possible' if given the book portion. It won't 'hurt' anything...but it 'might' help many people in the situation.
We've gone off on a tangent from our original discussion on this topic, and I don't really understand why, especially the play on words...nonetheless, we have.
I'd like to do it, for the same reasons that I originally mentioned when I first asked you about it. Healing and understanding for her...first and foremost.


ps - Are you still considering this...or have you changed your mind (I understand if you don't feel comfortable doing it)...."I'm still thinking about how I would like to hear it from Mr. Bridgestone... thanks for your patience. I'm slow to respond because I understand the gravity of this note for you & Mrs. Antlers, not because of being dismissive of it." Either way, thank you for your help and interest...not to mention your insight and expertise.

[Bridgestone]

help her to understand what went down and why. And it might even help her to heal. And it might even motivate her to help with the kids

Antlers,
I'm sorry but at this point, if Mr. Bridgestone were to give me a book section with the explicit written intentions of helping me heal from our abusive R, to understand him & what went down, & let me know he thinks it would be helpful for me in becoming more helpful with the kids so he is treated better.... it would be like putting gasoline on a fire.

I guess that's what has bothered me about this.. your perecieved intentions.
I also get the impression this is really NOT what you want to convey to Mrs. Antlers.

I would want to hear....
Bridgestone,
It has taken me a while to understand even a tiny bit of the personal hell I have put you and our kids through with my selfish, immature,controlling, and abusive actions over the years. With the help of this book I have had a glimpse into the inner mind & feelings of an abused spouse. I am so regretful for my actions of treating the most precious people in the world to me as I did.

Because of things I have read in here & recognizing myself & you amongst the pages, I am learning to act in ways true to my core values of compassion, kindness, (&whatever else there is for you antlers) instead of reacting on the fear, anger, resentment that I did for years in our R. When I did that, you lived in fear of me.. that is a horrible way to live. I hope you can forgive me for that, but I can understand why you can't forget it, I know I can't.

You deserve nothing but the best in your life. I'm sorry I failed to be that for you during our R. I hope you can see that my core values of compassion & love for you are "letting you go" to live your life according to your core values, instead of in fear of mine.

[antlers]

Bridgestone,
Thank You. It is about her. Maybe I did a poor job trying to explain my feelings about it to you. What I want to convey to her is exactly what you say that you would want to hear yourself.

Sincerily,
antlers



ps - How are you doing? I hope I will be able to help you at times too.

[Gardener]

Antlers. I'm a bit late returning to this. Sorry.

2. I don't know what else I could do? His emotions are all over the map...one minute he tells me "I love you dad" and the next minute he tells me something like I posted above!

Be assured of this one truism. No matter who says, intimates, does whatever to your kids - and despite their current response/reaction to it:

They'll be back.

[Gardener]

Bridgestone,

reframe this..

I love them and have compassion for them, but those things don't seem to matter to them.

to this

I love them and have compassion for them,forever but those things don't seem to matter to them right now

Bingo! Great.

When my kids were growing up and would say any negative, "I can't..." "I'll never...", "I don't,", etc. I would finish their sentence with the word/comment, "Yet!"
Worked so well for them and I'm finding I (need to) do that kind of reframing more and more to myself, lately!

[goldeylox]

antlers, hang on honey, I'm gonna give you a little whack here.
I walked (and filed for D) last year. And I couldn't see it through.
You want to know why? FEAR.
My kids said the same sh!t to me. Day in, day out. Not so good for the PMA. I cried myself to sleep every night. Couldn't they see I was trying to rescue them from a monster?
No.
They couldn't.
I was ripping apart the only family they had ever known.
This is the hard part. You have to let go of your expecations of others, and just work on you. Drop the rope with the kids.

Gardener is right. they'll be back. Someday. Trust me. Goldey

[antlers]

Antlers. I'm a bit late returning to this. Sorry.

2. I don't know what else I could do? His emotions are all over the map...one minute he tells me "I love you dad" and the next minute he tells me something like I posted above!

Be assured of this one truism. No matter who says, intimates, does whatever to your kids - and despite their current response/reaction to it:

They'll be back.

Hey Gardener.

Thank You for this. I hope it's a fact.

[antlers]

antlers, hang on honey, I'm gonna give you a little whack here.
I walked (and filed for D) last year. And I couldn't see it through.
You want to know why? FEAR.
My kids said the same sh!t to me. Day in, day out. Not so good for the PMA. I cried myself to sleep every night. Couldn't they see I was trying to rescue them from a monster?
No.
They couldn't.
I was ripping apart the only family they had ever known.
This is the hard part. You have to let go of your expecations of others, and just work on you. Drop the rope with the kids.

Gardener is right. they'll be back. Someday. Trust me. Goldey

Hi goldeylox.

Whack away. Never thought of dropping the rope with the kids! I'll work on it...feels counterintuitive though! I'll work on it.

OK...I trust you. Thanks.

[Bridgestone]

How are things with you antlers?

some PMA today?

[antlers]

Yeah, I feel pretty good right now. I had a busy weekend at work, but now I'm off for the next 3 days. The weather is gonna be nicer here for the next few days too. PMA comes and goes, but I guess as more time passes, I become more accepting of my current reality. I don't like it, and it's not what I wanted...but it's what I've been dealt.

You doin' OK too?