Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Lotus]

I don't know if I can get to Orlando this week. Any chance you can get to Tampa?

[Thinker]

Unfortunately, my time on this trip is going to be limited to a few hours in the evening.

[Lotus]

Yeah, it's been a crazy week for me. Flat tire, brake job on car, dishwasher repair, sink repair, verizon repair, meeting with contractors for the house, and tomorrow picking up my daughter at the airport. Friday heading out for a weekend cruise in the cold. So I am running here and there or stuck at home, waiting for repairmen all week. Have a good time in Orlando. There's lots to do.

[Thinker]

How do I react when my w is simultaneously pushing me away, and complaining that I am too distant.

I've been traveling and she's short on the phone when I call home to talk to the boys - and now she is angry because we never talk.

She pushes me away and refuses any connection, and then complains that there is none.

She demands space and then complains that our m is bad because we never see one another.

She is angry that I have been gone, but tells me (in an annoyed tone) not to disturb her or wake her when I got home.

I can't win for losing.

[Greek]

"W, I hear you but I'm not clear and I want to be. Do you want space? Or do you want connection? Say it another way so I can understand. I want to understand." Then post her answer here and we'll translate. Joking.
Greek

[Thinker]

W has been in a total snip all day, ever since I called last night to say my flight home was leaving and opened the call with "Hi Beautiful!". After a while I asked her to step aside and said "for the past 18 hours you have been angry and resentful and unpleasant. I don't know where your anger is coming from, but it is directed at me. What is bothering you?

She said "you are right, I am angry. It's because of us. We don't even have a relationship any more and yet you still try to be all happy and friendly ..."

As a logical person I find her circular extremely frustrating - "we don't have a r, so I don't want to talk to you or do anything with you. And we don't have a r because we never talk or do anything together.

She said "we can't agree because you and I want different things. You want to stay together and I don't". (This is a very old argument of hers). I replied. "I want to have a good, healthy, intimate r with a woman, preferably the mother of my children. I do not, however, want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to me. If you do not want to be married to me, then I would rather get d'd and move on with my life. I agree with you that our r right now is practically non-existant. It can't stay this way. We either have to work on putting it together, or work on taking it apart."

Her response was complete pessimistic negative thinking: "it can never work, I can never be happy, etc"

I said "do you want a d?" To which she replied "I want to be happy" ("I know you want to be happy. I asked you if you want a divorce")

I said "each day we are either working on. Improving the r, or we are working on dissolving it. What do you want to do today? She replied "I want to go put away the christmas decorations"

I said "I am willing to stay married to you if you can tell me the following 2 things 1) I want to stay married to - at least for now, and 2) I want to work on improving our r". She cried a bit and said "working on our r can never help. No c has ever helped us". I replied "this is because you start every c session with "I don't believe our m can work, I don't think I want to stay m'd, and I don't want to work on it. Of course it doesn't go anywhere. DO YOU WANT TO TRY TO IMPROVE OUR R?"

She cried a bit and said "I can't say I do", to which I replied "OK, then the consequences are that we are going to get d'd."

The remainder of the conversation was her playing naïve "I don't even know how d works" or playing the injured party "you are just going to make d ugly - why can't we just be cooperative about it?"

[givingitmyall]

Good job buddy. You handled it well.

[CityGirl]

I would respond by saying:

W, I have no intention of making a D ugly so I (have or plan to) retain an attny to handle my end of the divorce.

Leave it at that.

Very good job on the conversation. Has she always communicated in such an odd manner? (Ex: Responding to a direct question with a totally random answer -- I want to take down the Xmas decorations).

[Trixi]

Sounds like she is a "victim" and if she never directly answers your question, that it can be "your fault" because "she never said she wanted to get a divorce".

She is twisting in the wind because her own choices are coming to bite her in the ass and she desperately wants THINKER to be at fault for her unhappiness.

Good on you for not taking the bait!

[Greek]

Thinker, you handled it just right. You were the adult and your W...is a child. Nothing you can do about that - just be the man you are.

Greek