Don't know where to post this.

[TrentC]

Ok, I understand. In the beginning I tried to play a head game with jealously about the female friend and it back fired.

And that's why those kinds of head games are never a good idea. Why did you feel the need to make her jealous?

The MC who sent me to this site and got me into the books said that demanding an immediate stop to the affair would just push them together because of her depth in the fog.

Well, if that's how you want to handle it, then you should not have sex with her again until she's given up the OM. And look at getting tested for STDs.

I have been bleeding the money supply down to enough for bills only so that she has to feel some consequences.

What does this mean? Are you just burning through money and leaving enough in your joint accounts for bills? Or are you withdrawing it and hiding it from her?

Tonite she is going to see om and like an idiot I just sat and watched a movie with her while cuddling and we kissed passionately a few times.

Yeah, this is not a good idea. You are giving her every indication that you are okay with her sleeping with some other guy. Hell, you're giving me the impression that you're okay with it.

Me tearing her self esteem was a mistake and I had a few financial issues that made me feel less manly so I attacked her instead.

It was more than a mistake. It was hurtful, and cruel, and directly contributed to the crisis you are in.

I want much more than sex with her I want true intimacy.

You've found a crappy way of going about finding it.

Stop trying to f#ck with her head. If you can get this turned about, try being honest with her about your feelings and your fears. Intimacy requires honesty and trust, and by playing with jealousy and attacking her self-esteem, you've displayed neither.

I have scheduled some IC for her and she says she wants to go.

Let her schedule it for herself, then. You still have a power struggle going on. And I'd consider IC for yourself if you aren't already going.

Please tell me more or ask more because I want to save this relationship of 14 years.

Start by going back to the basics.

What do you want from your marriage? What do you want from your wife that you're not currently getting? (And I'm not talking about since the A started, I mean in general.)

What does your wife want from a marriage? What, besides the obvious, does she want from you that you aren't giving her? (Again, I'm not talking about since the A started, I mean from the past few years.)

Come up with a plan to work on those.