Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Thanks Snodderly and Libby.
I do feel stonger, there are vulnerable, sad moments for sure, but they pass more quickly than before.

I realize that there is this dance and H and I did it alot before we got married. What happened today(see below) may not have been the best as far as distancing..But I think H feels the emotional distance/detachment from me and through all of our interactions I treated him much like a friend/neighbor.

Update/Journal:
I have to say..things just are weird. H stopped by a bit ago(without calling ahead b/c I hadn't had that conversation with him yet) and scared me to death! He came to get his mail that had accumulated. I showed him D14's room that I had repainted..he walked around our bedroom a bit and looked out the window.

It was a bit quiet and awkward. H looks tired. He talked a bit about the papers he has to get for his lawyer and asked if he could help me get anything. I told him I'd already given my lawyer all of that. Then he said he felt stupid for offering.. He told me he was looking for places that would have room for the girls and was very discouraged..not much out there that is affordable.

He got ready to leave and I said that I missed him..he said "it doesn't feel that way"..I said that this was hard and I'm trying to keep things together.."Well, you're doing a good job".. I had this gut feeling that H was processing things and was feeling he had made the 'right decision' to divorce me b/c there was all of this distance between us. So..

I went out to give him a hug goodbye. He said "You are a good person" then asked me to lunch. Weird.

So we went to lunch and drove passed a condo behind ours that is still for sale, that we had looked at-it has more light and H kind of liked it more than the one we ended up buying. I half-joked that we could buy it together. He said " You would own two places jointly with me?" and I said yes..He said "Mmmm, might actually work..something to consider"

Lunch was OK. H talked about his work and how he's really focused on that, needs to bring in more money...I validated and said "It sounds like you're figuring things out"...

He brought me home, I gave him a hug goodbye and wished him a good afternoon...and that was that.

I don't plan anymore contact, but will need to ask him to call ahead in the future..I'll wait a few days I think to let things settle a bit more.

I feel calm and OK. Actually looking forward to my weekend of errands/painting and maybe another movie... and a break from thinking about H!