Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

V, OP and B I think you all have good points.
I texted "what's up?" b/c really didn't know what to say and that seemed 'light' to me. I didn't sit around wondering why he didn't respond. I fully figured he wouldn't b/c he was asleep(it was 10pm). "good movie" would have been better.

"I need time to process" I thought was accurate, and qick to text since the movie was starting..could've done better or not responded!

Being dark for me is only hard in that there are two kids involved and mediation ahead with tough issues to resolve(basically the whole divorce agreement).

Emotionally I know I am really getting detached and yes, Virginia, you are right-I think that makes H uncomfortable. His angry/hurt response(if it was that) usually pulls me back in because I don't want to be hurtful or mean.

But I think at this time I do need to stay dim and bear is hurt/anger and stand strong. I believe he will see it only from his point of view.

But...I am detached...at least for today. I have other things to do. I can't help him or fix him and am letting him go. I'm not sure I want him back, at least not who he is right now. He needs to grow up and become whole. Its graduation time!

[libbyasking]

You are starting to sound strong again.

It is so difficult when we love these men and try as we might they sometimes get into our psychi and cause havoc.

It happens to us all. The rollercoaster is so steep sometimes and it is hard to catch your breath. But you have caught your breath and taken control, applied the brakes and are moving forward again. His rollercoaster has carried on past you.

We are all human and some days are harder than others. But thats ok as long as we can pick ourselves up and move forward, which you are doing today.

((Hugs))

[job]

You sound stronger this week. Yes, your h needs to definitely grow up and become a mature adult.

The dance/game that most of them play w/us is called the distancer/pursuer game. There are some postings in the archieves about that little game. The more you distance and when they sense it, the more they will try to suck you back into the game or, should I say drama. You, as the lbs, will need to find a way to break that little dance pattern. You can do this by not taking the bait when he pulls his drama out of the bag.

When children are involved, it is very difficult to go completely dark and dim will probably be the best way to go. You have a good handle on your situation and yes, you are detaching very well. You h doesn't know how to process this new behavior that you are exhibiting. He doesn't feel comfortable at all about how you are reacting to him and his behavior and that's good. You are taking the focus that you were putting on him and putting it elsewhere which is what we all have had to learn to do.

I hope you have some fun things planned for the weekend. You deserve a break from the MLC madness.

[kjensen]

Thanks Snodderly and Libby.
I do feel stonger, there are vulnerable, sad moments for sure, but they pass more quickly than before.

I realize that there is this dance and H and I did it alot before we got married. What happened today(see below) may not have been the best as far as distancing..But I think H feels the emotional distance/detachment from me and through all of our interactions I treated him much like a friend/neighbor.

Update/Journal:
I have to say..things just are weird. H stopped by a bit ago(without calling ahead b/c I hadn't had that conversation with him yet) and scared me to death! He came to get his mail that had accumulated. I showed him D14's room that I had repainted..he walked around our bedroom a bit and looked out the window.

It was a bit quiet and awkward. H looks tired. He talked a bit about the papers he has to get for his lawyer and asked if he could help me get anything. I told him I'd already given my lawyer all of that. Then he said he felt stupid for offering.. He told me he was looking for places that would have room for the girls and was very discouraged..not much out there that is affordable.

He got ready to leave and I said that I missed him..he said "it doesn't feel that way"..I said that this was hard and I'm trying to keep things together.."Well, you're doing a good job".. I had this gut feeling that H was processing things and was feeling he had made the 'right decision' to divorce me b/c there was all of this distance between us. So..

I went out to give him a hug goodbye. He said "You are a good person" then asked me to lunch. Weird.

So we went to lunch and drove passed a condo behind ours that is still for sale, that we had looked at-it has more light and H kind of liked it more than the one we ended up buying. I half-joked that we could buy it together. He said " You would own two places jointly with me?" and I said yes..He said "Mmmm, might actually work..something to consider"

Lunch was OK. H talked about his work and how he's really focused on that, needs to bring in more money...I validated and said "It sounds like you're figuring things out"...

He brought me home, I gave him a hug goodbye and wished him a good afternoon...and that was that.

I don't plan anymore contact, but will need to ask him to call ahead in the future..I'll wait a few days I think to let things settle a bit more.

I feel calm and OK. Actually looking forward to my weekend of errands/painting and maybe another movie... and a break from thinking about H!

[job]

You did a wonderful job of interracting w/him. I wouldn't make a special point of contacting him about notifying you first at this time. Wait until you speak to him again and then offer up his calling you prior to dropping by.

He senses your pulling away and being independent. He's really not quite sure what to make of it. However, he knows that you are okay and will be okay no matter what. He has a lot to process these days and it appears that he will. At least let's hope he does.

You are on the right track!

[kjensen]

Thanks Snodderly.
I wasn't sure I was doing the best thing by telling H I missed him..and hgging him...but it feels right and OK. Calm.

[job]

Sometimes, you have to follow your instincts and I think you did just fine. He didn't feel threatened by it at all. It gave him something to think about and he will.

[trustingfaith]

KJ,

It sounds like you did well and the interactions went well. You know your H better than anyone and sometimes you just do have to go with your gut. I have been trying that more lately rather than just relying on what I have been "taught" is the way to react to a WAS or MLCer and it has been okay. I have gone with my gut with some interactions and I was afraid that it would turn around and bite me in the butt but it didn't. So maybe the changes I have seen in my H are not just fleeting moments now.

You are handling yourself in a very painful situation beautifully. He will see that. Let your light shine.:) I hope you are able to get out to see a movie!

[kjensen]

What goes up, must come down...
H texted me tonight saring what he did during the day and asking about mine..said he'd drove around with his cousin looking for apartments. Nothing near where me and the kids/school is..

I asked if he had checked Craigslist and he got angry and said he had to go..I was very confused(why would anyone get angry at the suggestion of looking at craigslist for rental ads??am I missing something?)and asked if he was angry at me..he responded

"Hard for me to take you redecorating the property we bought together while you suggest craiglist to me."

So I replied that I thought craigslist was just like newspaper ads and I was sorry if I offended him...although I really wanted to say(but DIDN't!)...WTF- you left me..the only redecorating I am doing is looking at paint(which he wanted) for the family room...and I put up pictures we already had...that is it. Lots of "redecorating" going on here!! I did not defend. Just apologized... Whew!

My guess is he is mad about where he is. I sure don't miss the anger. Just when I think its dying down, I get some more. At least texting anger is better than yelling in your face anger!

[Walking]

Hey Ms KJ

What did you have to apologise for? I'm not being flippant, I'm serious. What do you reckon you did that you needed to apologise for?

KJ you are a really good woman. You are nice, you are polite, you are kind to people, you don't like to upset anyone ... you don't like anyone to be upset. I get that ... I'm like that too.

Thing is, we are not responsible for how people react to the nice, kind, polite conversation we make. We don't need to apologise for an inappropriate reaction someone else has.

Reflect on what really happened between you guys in that exchange.

H told you he'd been looking at houses

You asked a harmless question - perhaps he hears/perceives as controlling or limiting (and it was a little bit mothering ... what's it to you what resources he uses to find accommodation?)

... and he reacts to that question by making it all your fault again ...(on a serious MLC logic loop that may go something like "I wouldn't have to look for a house if I could live in ours and I can't live in ours because you are my problem, and you are proving that by doing ALL this redecorating now after I've left when you could have done that while I was there ... it's crappy projection and it's ridiculous logic, but there is definately something going on with him that means everything he does is right and everything you do is wrong).

You can still be a loving, compassionate woman and stand your ground. I bet you do it at work.

Don't apologise for stuff that not your problem.

Something that has worked for me is a simple affirmation along the lines of "I release the need to feel responsible for anyone elses reactions." It sounds silly, but it works.

Keep going girl. You are doing so well ... this is no work for chickens, it takes a brave, strong woman to do this work and you are really doing it.

V