Not Me...Ever part 2

[pigskin]

Serenity, I know you are a praying person. So now is time to pray, and don't forget to whenever you are feeling the way you are now.

[tristan]

Serenity,

I am sorry. It is unfair and you have every right to be angry. Take the moment and let the anger run through you. Then think about what you can control in your sitch and understand that you have been doing a wonderful job handling it. Embrace your emotions, then overcome them.

-T

By the way, I do think that is what you were doing by typing that.

[SDFoundGirl]

Serenity,

It's hard to see it, but anger is actually a step forward and a sign you are doing better overall. The low end of emotions is despair/depression/hopelessness; anger is higher on the scale. Is it a place you want to stay? No, but to visit it for a while with *no* apologies or tearing yourself up about it is HEALTHY.

Anger is a normal, natural, human emotion!

My suggestion: Go on a rampage of anger. Get out your journal, and write everything you're angry about, and everything you hate about your sitch/H. DON'T CENSOR! Whatever comes, just write it. I did this exercise about my mother after a pretty tense visit (we're not very close anyway), and I wrote things like I hated the way she chewed her food. Sounds ridiculous, but I wrote it along with other more normal things.

This may take days or even weeks. Keep that journal with you, and when you find that anger bubbling up, write it some more. Write it until it's all out of you and on the page.

After that, you have some choices. I suggest burning all the pages once you think you've gotten it all out. It's symbolic, but rituals do help us. Whatever you do, don't reread it more than once, and don't hang on to it. Let the pages go once you've moved through the anger.

If you find it pops up again, repeat the process. This is part of cleansing and of getting those thoughts symbolically out of your body. Imagine that you're giving all those angry feelings to God as you write them.

I think you're doing great. Remember, you ARE human! You have grown so strong and smart during your time here, and you are going to come out the other side of this better off for the experience. And I promise you, someday you WILL look back and find the gift of this experience.

SD

[chatterbug]

Serenity.

That was a beautiful post. Your a beautiful woman. I am honoured and I feel privillaged to read your thoughts.

Thank you so much for sharing them.

You can express thoughts very well.

cutter

[kara]

(((Serenity)))

You work 6 days a week? Wow.

What SD said. Anger is normal and healthy and must run its course. Then you can move on to the next stage. I don't believe in stifling anger but in finding a healthy, safe, responsible way to express it.

I understand that your little one has separation anxiety issues but is there any way you can get away for even just an hour and do something nice and mood boosting for yourself? It can be whatever works for you.

PRACTICAL TIP - lavender is great for calming you down. Get some lavender essential oil and put it on cotton balls around the room . Or put a few drops in you bath water. You will feel calmer and better.

[TulsaTime]

Serenity,

Wow. I know those thoughts. You're not alone in them.

[dolphin_05]

Just like you Serenity I have for the first time been feeling anger. I could so relate to your post and the difficulties you are facing. Up until now, I've just felt hurt. We have to realise and accept anger is part of the process. Eventually all these little steps will enable us to be renewed people.

[Gardener]

Journal ~

I feel off today - I don't know why.

Between working 6 days a week and trying to make time for the boys as well as do everything that used to take the 2 of us, I don't have a moment to myself anymore...I know how you feel. I have no young ones - wish I still did, sometimes - but my six-day weeks ended just last week. Thank God!

I am so tired & so drained - Mentally, physically and emotionally. So was I. And the worst part was that I,- Mr. exercise-nutrition-juicing-supplement-taking -meditating-hiking Gardener slowly eliminated every one of those regimens this past year...when I needed them most. Pick something you used to/would like to do. Just one. And do it. I started back in with one. Am on my third. Feel a world better.

Everyone around me treats me like I am about to shatter - Worried if the next thing is going to send me off to the looney bin. Ignore 'em. Screw 'em. Or better yet: fake an "episode" of what Smiley's Person so aptly describes as "batchitcrazy" and send 'em running for cover for a while!

I swear if one more person asks me if I took my meds today I may just punch them in the throat.

Yes I am medicated however that doesn't mean I can't have a down day - I still have emotions, a whole range of them that overcome me each and everyday. Yep.Me, too.

For the past couple of days the unfairness of the sitch has taken over in each thing I do...

***Resentment has creeped in - Anger is sitting on the threshold...

I am mad that I have to do everything. I would be, too. I have been, too!

I am mad he just walked out without looking back.Good

I am mad he gets to be the "disneyland" Dad and I am nothing but a b***hrole-modeling, limit-setting, loving mama bear.

I am mad I can't go to the bathroom by myself. ? (Ignore, if personal)

I am mad I can't leave the house without my little one having a meltdown for fear I won't come back. Yet.

I am mad I don't have answers. Yet.

I am mad he doesn't care - How do you build something for 20 years and then destroy it without a care in the world? By being a pr!ck?

I am mad that I see so many spouses doing this each and everyday. Yep.

I am mad I spent hours helping a friend out of suicide last night because her SO did this to her 1 month ago and she didn't deserve this. Get Friend to Dr. It's your duty.

I am mad at myself because sometimes suicide seems like the better route then the undescribable daily pain. Serenity!! Understandable, to some extent, but get thee to thy IC and discuss this! Don't make me come down there after you, girl!

I am mad at another friend whose H did this to her and she has taken the wrong road in dealing with it (ie: massive amounts of sex partners, drugs, drinking etc...) Pity her. Help if you can. Don't be mad. While wrongheaded and dangerous, her pain, her reaction.

I am mad that my H feels like he is a worthy parent because he is spending 3 whole hours with the boys tomorrow - Big friggen whoop. Couldn't have said it better, myself!

I am mad that the "karma bus" hasn't run these wandering spouses over by now and the pain is dragged on and on and on until the LBS has no choice but to hit rock bottom and then go from there. Karma bus is slow. But it runs.

I am mad that no matter what I do, I can't seem to "desensitize" myself to the pain I carry. What are you doing?

I am mad when I hear people say "Get over it, it has been such and such days/months/years". "I'll be over it when I'm over it. My healing. My timetable, thankyewverymuch." Clods.

I am mad that I chose this prison I am now in. You chose it? What am I missing, here?

I am mad I don't have much Faith in myself and the choices I have made. Maybe not now, but, oh yes you do. I've heard you!

I am mad decent that even after everything my H has done, I still love him with my whole heart because quite frankly, it would be easier if I could hate him.

So yes today, I am mad and I am unbelievably sad...I would like nothing better then a couple of hours to sort through my emotions however I can't because everyone wants something from meSometimes you have to - have to - say, "No." and all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide from the world.

***My resentment went away - just went away - one day when it dawned on me that I didn't resent Mrs. G for x, y, and z, etc. That resentment, I realized was misdirected disappointment in and anger at myself for allowing x, for not speaking up about y, for passively seething about z, etc. From that, I think I learned something and forgave myself for my shortcomings in acceptingx,y,z behaviors.

Serenity: Thank you for journaling and sharing. It's good for you. It's good for me and all of us.
When you feel like this, tap into the very real strength and compassion that emanates from this board.People here pull for you, pray for you, love you (take me, fer instance.)

[rockedworld]

((((Serenity))))
Praying for you my friend. Gardener hit the nail on the head. I ditto his encouragement to you.

[motherof3]

I have nothing to add to what others have said.

Tomorrow is a new day.

(((Serenity)))

Mo3