Don't know where to post this.

[TrentC]

OK, the first thing is, you need to learn how to talk to each other.

Not intimately, not sharing deepest darkest secrets, but just basic communication.

On December 1st she dumped the other man and on December 2nd she thought that I had a date (went to see my brother) and she begged the OM to take her back.

Why did she think you were on a date? Did you not tell her where you were going?

He came to the house to visit her on Monday because she chose to spend NYE with me instead of him. I messed up and blamed her for inviting him to house (she did not and told him to leave, they were fighting about me). I also confronted him and let him know that it would be a mistake to come back to the house again (mutually agreed ground rule no op in marriage house while still married). Wonder of wonders she showed respect with that ground rule.

Confrontation was a set back. She went to see him and got her fix on Dec 30th and then went with me Dec 31st.

I'm not sure how that could have gone differently, other than she sounds like she is definitely cake-eating. She sleeps with you, then goes and sleeps with him, then goes to sleep with you again! And when he showed up at the house, she got upset and went to him, then came back to you again!

Went to see him the night of Jan 1st and told him she is not worth the trouble. Came back and told son 12 that she wanted to break it off with om but had to do it slow.

That doesn't work. If she is going to break it off, it has to be all at once; otherwise, she'll keep getting whatever emotional fix she needs from him.

She is worried that I will never take her back and that I am moving on with a female friend that I had years ago.

Why does she think that? Has she talked to you about her worries? If so, what have you told her about your friend?

This woman is a friend and has been for 15 years but the wife has been jealous. I have been faithful to my wife but she thinks I had an EA.

So if the wife has been jealous of that relationship, why are you talking to her again? Or is the jealousy thing recent?

Wife signed up for facebook. I found out and signed up too. Asked her to friend me, she did and saw the woman that threatened her had added me too and flipped out.

What woman threatened her? The 15-year-long friend?

She ran to om's arms and took S2 and S4 with her (S12 was with me). She spent about 36 hours with om.

OK, I'm normally on the empathetic side of WAS's, but why are you letting her blatantly hop in and out of your respective beds? When something makes her angry or upset, she makes no bones about running to the OM. She even took two of your kids!

And you let her back into your bed? You may not be aware of this, but some jurisdictions hold that having sex with your wife while she is having an affair amounts to tacit approval of the affair.

That needs to stop, ASAP. Try this on for size:

"I understand that you are angry at me, and we have serious issues that we need to work on if we are going to save this marriage.

HOWEVER, it is unacceptable that you run off to OM whenever you feel like it, and it is completely unacceptable that you bring our kids to his house. You are disrespecting me and you are confusing our children.

If you want to work things out, then you must cut off all contact with OM. If you choose not to, or I find out that you have not, then you can leave the kids here and go stay with him, and I will pursue filing for divorce."

Says that I am better looking, better provider, better endowed and better in bed. But I tore down her self esteem and she wants someone to tell her she is beautiful and I won't do. Our marriage counsellor tells me that the sex is not what she is looking for out of him but instead is a consequence of the flirting that she wants. In short she puts out so he will keep telling her what she wants to hear.

So have you tried to make an effort to rebuild that connection to her? Have you apologized for tearing down her self-esteem?

Why on earth would you do that, anyway? Because "you felt bad"? Can you see why that would damage her trust in you, and cause her to lose respect (and for women, respect = love) for you?