Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Don't think I'll see any results tonight and I'm ok with that. W came home exhausted and at first very talkative, so I sat there and listened and made sure no poor body language but still no pursuit. Then something happened. Probably exhaustion but who knows. Now just bitchy. I got tired of the attitude so I called her on it, she said headache + crampy + tired. So after a while I left the room. That annoyed her too. Just told her that with the mood she is in, probably best for her to have some space and be too herself. She asked what I was going to do and I just said I don't know yet, I'll find something that won't be a problem. I said it very nicely and offered that if she'd rather have company, I'd stick around. She just kind of shrugged her shoulders so I calmly walked out. Started the dishwasher and then upstairs.

See what tomorrow is like.

[gutwrenching]

well that didn't turn out like I thought. W just informed me why she got so pissy and it pissed me off and I probably should have kept my mouth shut. She is pissed because there has been so much role reversal in taking care of the kids. Everything that she brings up, I took care for the and she feels it is a competition. That pissed me off. I am not going to drag the kinds into the middle of our issues and she should know that. I told her that. So I work my tail off all week to support her and take care of everything at the house, she feels guilty cause she hasnt seen them for 3 days, and then Im the bad guy because I let her know that I took care of all the concerns with the kids. Man that ain't right. So I left the bed. She asked why, told I wasn't tired and I was tired of being treated nasty.
I had to come here and vent before I really said something stupid.
So now that the girls are taken care of by me, it is suddenly unacceptable.
I also had to leave because I was too close to saying something about how she didn't give a darn who was taking care of them when she was in the throws with the OM.
Darn, I was feeling so good about how today went

[Lost Rabbit]

Breathe its her problem not yours! She is feeling guilty that she is not pulling her weight let her. Sorry not quite up to date with your thread do you have a job too or are you SAHD?

Next time dont forget to breathe, when she winds you up, and politely say "its not a competition, but someone has to take the job onboard and you have been busy so I did it" If she accepts that well, just add that you are sure she will do her stint when she can! That may lay the argument to rest but also encourage her to come home and do more.

Hopefully by now you will have snuggled back into bed (())

ETA And dont beat yourself up for losing it we all do at some time!

[sandi2]

First of all, you did a fantastic job of how you should act when she came home from work. I loved it when you called her out on her b!tchy behavior and then left the room. I think that is one of the first steps women take in the breakdown of respect......acting that way and then the H just lets it ride. So, yes.....put a stop to her doing that and then walk away from her. It stops arguring and causes her to reflect on her behavior and she sees you will not tolerate that......and it builds respect toward you.

You also handled yourself well when she came in the bedroom. If I'm understanding that you were already in bed when she came in and started in to find fault with the child-caring. If you were turned in for the night (in case that happens again) you can firmly tell her that you need to get your sleep and that you will not listen to her badderging. She will have to set up a "Find Fault with H Night" someplace else or change her tactics b/c it's closing time here.

The marital bed is not the place to get into an argument.

One of Puppy's sayings that I love is to tell the W, "You are so unattractive when you do that!" That statement can be applied to anything at anytime!

There is a time, a place, and a decent way of presenting concerns to you....and that isn't it. You have to talk to her firmly.....like talking to a teenager who is out of line. But, the key is to say what you need to say in a few words (at that time) and make them powerful. She will try to turn it into a R talk if you don't get control and hit her verbally with a one-two punch of a line.

This puts it all back on her instead of her dumping on you like she had intended to do. Don't fall into her trap of a R talk. Take control quickly and turn the tables by showing your strenth and then cutting it off and either turning over and going to sleep--or leave. When she asks you what you are going to do (I wish that was the time you would have gotten dressed and left the house ) but you tell her, "I suddenly have a craving for........um, an ice cream cone!" and then you leave. It is pretty effective if there is snow on the ground.....

You see, this is when you can show an air of mystery and she forgets about her OM and her mood, and her attention is on you and what in the world you are up to. One man did that and he said it worked great! You don't lie, but it makes her wonder about things enough to be interested. Keeps you from being so predictable.

You see, when you left her earlier and wouldn't listen to any more of her b!tching, she wasn't through with you and was determined to finish, so that is why she waited until you went to bed. Guess she thought she had a captive audiance. Next time, (if you can emotionally do it), turn the light out by your side of the bed and turn over facing opposite way from her and say, "I'm going to sleep now". Then don't respond to anything else she says. As if you are dead asleep. This puts you in a position of strength & control and shows her that she is not getting anywhere with that behavior.

She was hitting below the belt by picking the subject of the kids. She does feel guilty and she doesn't know how to handle that so she is shifting things around to make you the guilty party. Wow, big surprise! That seems to be the only thing she knows to do in order to make herself look less of a bad wife & mother.

Another thing in considering her bad mood is that if she went to see the W of the deceased, it seems like she would have been more in a mood like she was when the suicide happened. Doesn't that seem odd that she was so emotional over the suicide and yet after she went to see his W in the hospital, she comes home all pissed off? Seems strange to me. So, I'm wondering if she did not contact OM either during the day or over a phone. Remember what we say here on the board....that bad=good, and good=bad when it comes to a WAS in an EA. In other words, if there is trouble in paradise, or should I say "fantasy world" and the OM told her something that left her in a sour mood.....guess who she will take that mood out on? So, it's just a theory. It could have been stress at work, but you know what I would tell her the next time she pulls that? I would stand up and look her dead in the eyes and say, "W, you seriously need to consider installing a heavy duty punching bag to use in relieving your stress at the end of the day. I will not be used for you to verbally punch. It is disrespectful and I refuse to tolerate it any more." Then leave the room or the house (would be better) and let her reflect.

You are doing really great. Keep hanging in there!

[gutwrenching]

Sandi and Lost
Thank you. I just smiled for the first time in a bit. In fact I had come down here to vent on the computer and you all made me smile.
I am waiting on the coffee cause I'm in a whale of bad mood. Sat morning here, youngest daughter has ballet lessons which W has been too 1 time in the last two to 2.5 months. This morning, I set the alarms, I am the responsible parent. I'm getting up and she asks me what I am going to do. I say I'm getting up to get D ready for dance lessons. She asks what do I want to do. I say calmly, it doesn't matter to me. I'm always happy to take her but if you would like some time to spend with her there, I'll stay here, or if best we can all go.
She tells me she'd like me to take her.

WHAT. You got to be kidding me. After all the role reversal BS I heard last night. She said she was afraid to drive because of the muscle relaxer she took last night after getting so pissed off.
Unfreaking believeable.

Sandi - I did wonder about no contact. The only thing that might be different is she came home in fine mood. I was following the advice. I sat down and she talked to me for a while. I thought things were going fine. Then I guess what set her off was the younger daughter did something wrong and I reminded younger daughter that we had talked about not doing that "issue" the night before and she knew better. That was me taking care of things she wanted too, but I already had and I guess it went downhill from there.
So who the heck knows.
I know I didn't get enough sleep and now I'm the one pulling the weight again today. So I'm in a foul mood. Need to get some coffee in me, need to get out of the house which I will do with the daughter for dance lessons. And snap out of this.

Lost - we both work in what I will term pretty high profile jobs. Our salaries are almost identical. So when it comes to bringing in the bacon, that is 50/50.
Over the years, W has done majority of parenting. I have worked hard at being a better parent, I have even told my wife in the past I wanted to be father of the year. I have made HUGE progress and the results to me are obvious and so rewarding. It is the kids that keep me going these days, they are my pride and joy. We are doing so well together, like never before.

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - you nailed it with feeling guilty about the kids and not knowing how to handle it. She basically admitted at one point that this were her issue that she had to figure out how to deal with it.

[Lost Rabbit]

Glad your alive and well if a bit coffee dependant! Youre doing a grand job of looking after the kids and perhaps if/when you get you and Mrs GW sorted you can share some of the parenting techniques you have learnt! Ive been a SAHM and a working parent neither are a walk in the park, but having a great relationship with ones kids is priceless, my S(21) and I are very alike but hes a smasher and I am proud of the job I have done, also its funny hearing the kids tell the WAS what they really think and sometimes saying what youd love to say but cant! My lad put the phone down on his dad one day when H was grumpy and told him to phone him back when he got some manners.. and another day when H moaned at him for not visiting starting his sentance with "when" S returned fire with "when are you gonna see sense and go home to mum, I thought you might have a point at first but now I can see you just being stupid" both of them priceless I couldnt have said better myself..Hope you have/had were on different times a nicer day today.

[gutwrenching]

First half of the day just odd. After D's dance lesson, I am nice and TM W to ask if she wants a starbucks. Not pursuing, but what I have done every weekend and she would do the same. She says yes, and when I take the coffee up to her in the house, I find her using her computer on the bathroom countertop. She says she is still in a fog from the medication and just needs peace and quiet and can't get that with other daughter in the bed with her.
Holy cow, this after the guilt of being an uninvolved mother. Well this gets me angry again, but I handle it, I don't show it. I am right back to wanting out of the house and not wanting my kids to see their mother ignore them again. So I tell her I'll take them to McDonalds to play. She says I don't need to do that. I said I want to do that. She says but they haven't eaten and I say we'll eat at McDonalds. She stops fighting me. Win-win excpt for the fact the older daughter was openly disappointed that mommy wasn't going with us. I get out of the house and W thinks I'm doing her a favor. She came up to me and give me a big hug goodbye, that was surprising.
Getting away for another 90 minutes or so did me a world of good. This is also one of the first times in a long time where I created a situation where she could make contact with OM and I didn't even think about it or worry about it. That was a small step for me. I felt much better after I came back and started watching my team in the football playoffs. She finally snapped out of the funk and took the girls to a skiing lesson and I am alone at the house watching football. Again, good for me I think.
She is in a foul mood already, kids stressed her out getting ready for ski lesson.
Something is going on in her brain, don't have a clue what. She never used to be so impatient, she never used to get so upset so quickly when the kids were being kids, and she never used to spend so little time with them. I can see her temper flare in her face over the littlest things these days, most often by something I do but also with the kids. Spending so little time with the kids is truly bothering her, I can tell, but she isn't changing her ways when she can. I fully now realize there is nothing I can do, but make sure I am filling in for the kids and they see no gap in attention and love.
My only guess is our "situation" is bothering her more than she will say outloud. how or why don't know, at this point, I don't care as she doesn't treat me like last night.

Sandi - I love the idea of going out for an ice cream. Yes there is snow on the ground. I could see me using that one in the future. I also love the line of that isn't attractive, like you said that can be used for almost anything, I'll remember that one.

[rockedworld]

Hi GW,

I learned on these boards that a WAS will often be that way towards the LBS and kids because they are looking for justification. If their home life is miserable enough somehow (which is why they will nitpick and find fault) then they can find reasons in their mind for looking for happiness elsewhere. This is why it is so essential that you not react and not let it get to you. If you do, it provides further justification in her mind: "H is such a jerk to me... it is understandable that I need someone else" etc. If you "act as if", she can't play those mind games with herself. Stay strong, keep your plan in place!

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - good info/perspective as usual. That makes sense. I reacted last night, but not today, so that I can be happy about. I did good today. I know it. She has no idea I was in a foul mood most of the day, I hid it completely. She had no clue that I was taking the kids to McDs to escape her.
Now she's in the basement again, I've got the girls, again. She has legitimate work to do for the funeral coming up, but I find it interesting that she tells me she wants to get started now, not wait till the girls go bed, and asks what would I like to do later. Implying that we potentially spend some time together.
There is also a password on her phone again, that will a topic of discussion here soon, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. The good thing is that it isn't bothering me like I thought it would. I just kind of shook my head. Baby steps detaching, but I'm starting to make progress. Last time W had a password, W admitted it was to keep me out, and she took it off after I exposed the EA.

Rocked - I made it thru more of your sitch today, wow, how did you so quickly get your frame of mind where it needed to be back then? It seemed almost overnight, you got to where you needed to be.