Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

Journal ~

I feel off today - I don't know why.

Between working 6 days a week and trying to make time for the boys as well as do everything that used to take the 2 of us, I don't have a moment to myself anymore...

I am so tired & so drained - Mentally, physically and emotionally.

Everyone around me treats me like I am about to shatter - Worried if the next thing is going to send me off to the looney bin.

I swear if one more person asks me if I took my meds today I may just punch them in the throat.

Yes I am medicated however that doesn't mean I can't have a down day - I still have emotions, a whole range of them that overcome me each and everyday.

For the past couple of days the unfairness of the sitch has taken over in each thing I do...

Resentment has creeped in - Anger is sitting on the threshold...

I am mad that I have to do everything.

I am mad he just walked out without looking back.

I am mad he gets to be the "disneyland" Dad and I am nothing but a b***h.

I am mad I can't go to the bathroom by myself.

I am mad I can't leave the house without my little one having a meltdown for fear I won't come back.

I am mad I don't have answers.

I am mad he doesn't care - How do you build something for 20 years and then destroy it without a care in the world?

I am mad that I see so many spouses doing this each and everyday.

I am mad I spent hours helping a friend out of suicide last night because her SO did this to her 1 month ago and she didn't deserve this.

I am mad at myself because sometimes suicide seems like the better route then the undescribable daily pain.

I am mad at another friend whose H did this to her and she has taken the wrong road in dealing with it (ie: massive amounts of sex partners, drugs, drinking etc...)

I am mad that my H feels like he is a worthy parent because he is spending 3 whole hours with the boys tomorrow - Big friggen whoop.

I am mad that the "karma bus" hasn't run these wandering spouses over by now and the pain is dragged on and on and on until the LBS has no choice but to hit rock bottom and then go from there.

I am mad that no matter what I do, I can't seem to "desensitize" myself to the pain I carry.

I am mad when I hear people say "Get over it, it has been such and such days/months/years".

I am mad that I chose this prison I am now in.

I am mad I don't have much Faith in myself and the choices I have made.

I am mad that even after everything my H has done, I still love him with my whole heart because quite frankly, it would be easier if I could hate him.

So yes today, I am mad and I am unbelievably sad...I would like nothing better then a couple of hours to sort through my emotions however I can't because everyone wants something from me and all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide from the world.