'' I had an awakening this morning"

[Ready2Change]

...Put your game face on and then go cry in your room when it's over because that what will happen and it's ok. Hold it togehter while you move your stuff in. It's an important moment.

Two very important points here.

You are a strong confident happy MAN and no woman is going to push you around. You will listen, empathize, validate, but NOT AGREE with her on things YOU DON'T AGREE WITH. Project this to your wife at all times.

Let out your emotions away from W. ANGER,SADNESS, etc. Vent here. Channel the energy into a workout. Cry in the shower. Go GAL and then cry in your car.

[dburt]

So, what's it going to be?

Burt

[dburt]

So I guess that is it?

Burt

[acsnow]

I have been away from here for the past week. I have not moved back into the house. Just not strong enough yet. I really don't want to disrupt my stepdaughter final year of high school by feeling as if she has to move out with her mom. She would be welcome to stay at the house but I know she would go with her mom.
After the last week I have finished reading DR and doing LRT method. I was doing that before, and felt W was starting to reach out some. I have open my own checking account,savings, credit card etc. I did go talk to a lawyer to see what my rights are and I came away feelng alot better. Lawyer told me if everything that I was telling her was lagit, My W may have to pay me and I would still get the house. Anyway that is the furthest thing from my mind now.
The only contact that I have had with my W is that this past Weds. my stepdaughter text me to see if I could feed and let the dog out of the house while they went to Maine for couple days. I said sure. W has no family except brother and his family had to work on thanksgiving this year. So she went to Maine to get away. Doing a little snooping around house did notice that W is no longer wearing wedding ring. I noticed it in her jewlery cabnet. It hurt somewhat to see that but I got over it. I spent thankgiving day up to my brothers. All my family was there so at least I still have them. Thanksgiving was a little tough on me.
W did text me on friday to let me know they had returned and to thank me for takin care of dog and to let me know the doctor called.
Stepdaughter had basketball game today and I was waiting to see if W would text me to go to game together. She did but said she and daughter were going shopping afterwards and that we could just meet there.Everything was fine at game. We carried on conversation like nothing is wrong.I get so confused of why she is acting the way she is. We have always got along very well.
One thing I did pick up on with W is that in the past she would make referance of her daughter as 'my daughter'. Today I she did say " our daughter'. I know I can't read to much into that but I listen for anything positive.
Before the game was over I mentioned that I was going to look at cars for stepdaughter. She said she would like to go as well. So we all did. After we went our seperate ways.
I am not moving back to the house anytime soon. I know it is a mistake on my part but as of now I am thinking of my stepdaughter. She has been through alot of stress over the last year and I don't want to add any more.
Besides moving back what other advice is there. Do I intitiate any contact with W or just let her contact me? Do I ride to and from basketball games together? If we do I am going to make it perfectly clear to her that there is no R talks while we are riding.
I am GAL as best I can. It is just so hard for me to fully understand why this all happening. Sorry to ramble on I just had to vent.

[dburt]

You know what to do.

Burt

[acsnow]

Just an update on my sitch.

I am still out of the house and do not have any interest on moving back anytime soon. She has also put deadbolt locks on doors as well.

I just could not believe that there was OM in the picture,but there is.

A few weeks ago my W and I had to go pick up a car for D17 that we purchased. The person we bought the car from is also divorced. When we got to the house to pick up the car I commenting about the nice house this guy had. He was saying how he just built this dream house for his W. He came home from hunting trip back in Sept and everything was gone. His W had been seeing someone for 9 months.

The interesting thing is that my W had no reaction at all. Usually she would of made some kind of comment. It made me wonder if she was feeling guilty about something.

The following Tuesday I was at my house to pick up my mail and as I was walking out of the garage and I noticed a envelope taped to the garbage. It said:

OM,
You are probably going to have to get some dump stickers. Thank you so much. Signed my W.

So now I am thinking who OM is. So I left and my cell phone rang and it was my D17. She was asking me if i was just at the house. I did not know she was home sick. I told her yes and I asked her who this person was the envolpe was adressed to. I know I probably should not of asked her and I was not but she called me and it just came out.

She told me that this OM was just a friend and that he was taking garbage to dump for mom and was giving her a price on fixing front door, and also dead bolt locks.

I said they are just friends? Not boyfriend girlfriend. D17 said they where just friends. I immediatly txt W and she called me back. W said they were just friends (thats what they alway say)and that he was doing some work for her. She also said that it was non of my buisness who she is friends with.

She had mentioned that she was in no hurry to file papers. I asked her what she ment by that. Her comment was that she is in no hurry because it would be hard on me financially.

I did make it clear to her that I did not want a divorce but I accept her decision. And I did say she was making a mistake. I also said to her that not once have you even wanted to try to reconcile.

Fastforward to this past Monday. One of my co-workers came up to me after work and said to me that he herd from a reliable source that my W and this OM were seen at a casino 1hr away New Years Eve and that my W had her arm around him and was either kissing him on cheek or whispuring in his ear while he was sitting at a slot machine.

I immediatlly called W and all I said was that I know about her and OM new years and that it was over between us and that she would be hearing from my lawyer. She txt me back and respected my decission to call on lawyer and she said again that her and this OM where just friends. She also said this happened after we were seperated.

Even if it did happen after we were seperated, she has been saying to me right along that it is not me, I want to be alone and indipendant, and I have to be happy with myself first be fore I have any relationships. I guess it did not take her very long.

Couple of questions is that I don't know if I should go file myself, let her file, tell my D17 what going on? I am just so confused.

She did say that she wants us to come to agreement on financal stuff assets etc. before she goes in files. She does not want get lawyers involved. I have an appt with lawyer on Friday.

I have been riding to and from to ours D17 basketball games with W and sitting together as well. Except for this past week and future games I can't sit with her anymore and I can't even be in the same space with her right now. I am just so angry, resentfull, and hurt. I did let my D17 know that I was not going to sit with mom anymore at games and she understood.

I do know who this OM is. I talked to him at store where I work this past fall. He is married, his wife has alhiemerze, has couple kids. He is at least 10 yrs older than my W. From what I have hearing from other peaple he is scum. He had made a comment to somebody 3 or 4 months ago that I did not order this disease for my wife. Almost as if to say it was ok to seek comfort in OW.

What ever happened to wedding vows: till death do us part, in sickness and in health. There should be some law that the person that breaks that committment should be penalized.
Sorry for the long post.

[TrentC]

When we got to the house to pick up the car I commenting about the nice house this guy had. He was saying how he just built this dream house for his W. He came home from hunting trip back in Sept and everything was gone. His W had been seeing someone for 9 months.

The interesting thing is that my W had no reaction at all. Usually she would of made some kind of comment. It made me wonder if she was feeling guilty about something.

Or maybe she realized you were trying to goad her into saying something that you could pounce on.

I'm amazed at people who ask things like "How will she know how I feel?" or "How will he realize I have changed?" and then turn around and analyze every word, gesture, and action their spouses make. Don't you think your spouses are doing the same thing?

When you told that cute little story about how the guy who built the house's wife left him for another man, don't you think she was thinking something like "Why is he telling me this story? Does he know that OM has been at the house? Does he think I'm seeing someone else? Does he KNOW I'm seeing someone else?"

You have a third-hand report from someone you don't even know that your wife was doing something with OM at a casino on New Year's Eve. You don't even have a reliable description! So what do you do? You immediately call her up and accuse her of cheating on you. What do you think happened in her mind?

If she is cheating on you, she's thinking "Oh crap, he's on to me. But it sounds like he's not even sure what happened, so I'll blow him off, tell him he's imagining things, and have to be more careful where I go with OM."

If she is not cheating on you, she's thinking "Why is he telling me this? It doesn't even sound like he's sure of what he's been told. Why does he assume I'm cheating on him? Doesn't he trust me?"

You find a perfectly innocent note taped to the garbage from your wife to OM. So what do you do? You call your daughter and start grilling her! You don't think that puts your daughter in an awkward position? Maybe she feels like she has to protect mom. Maybe she doesn't know what's really going on between her mom and OM. Maybe she thinks you're acting like a creepy jealous guy and not at all like her dad. And you obviously don't like what she has to say or believe her, because you text your wife and start grilling her. But you don't believe her -- "thats what they all say" -- so why did you talk to EITHER OF THEM?

What ever happened to wedding vows: till death do us part, in sickness and in health. There should be some law that the person that breaks that committment should be penalized.

Why do you want to save your marriage, when you have so much resentment built up and suspect your wife's motives for everything? Do you think this attitude is in any way attractive to her, or making her reconsider either the affair or the decision to file?

Do you think that if she turns around and says "I want to reconcile with you, OM meant nothing to me, I've told him I don't want to talk to him any more", that you'll just be able to turn this negative attitude towards her off like a light switch?

You'll go through weeks, if not months, of continuing to suspect her and her motives. She will pick up on this, and if it goes on long enough, may make her think "Why am I bothering? He'll never trust me again no matter what I say or do."

[CityGirl]

Of course your W doesn't want to get attnys involved! LOL! Decline her offer to settle amongst the two of you, call an attny and tell her any future discussion regarding the divorce/settlement should be directed to your attny.

I have SLE and that was one of my H's "reasons". His words "I did not sign up to be married to somebody who got Lupus".

If your W finds a man who is cheating on his W that has a horrid disease attractive then they deserve one another. However, that does NOT mean you have to adhere to her desire to "settle things w/o attnys". Affairs do not require the "cheated on" to settle things in the manner in which the cheater demands.

No further discussion with her about legalities. NONE. She has made her choice, must face the consequences (one being you will not work with her directly to settle anything) and let her be on her way. Maybe one day she will be diagnosed with a disease and and OM will tell her the same thing he told his ill wife "I did not order this disease so see ya!"

I understand attny's are expensive and each state has their own set of laws but I am stunned on a daily basis when one spouse bows down to the cheating spouse to "get things done" without attnys. Divorce requires attnys. If you want to get divorced then you will accept you will have no futher direct contact with me regarding a settlement. PERIOD.

[acsnow]

I do know who the source of the information came from. This person is a very good customer of ours and he knows my wife and saw W and OM together. I called source myself and talk to him. He saw them together and once W and OM regognized they were spotted,they both backed off.

[TrentC]

I do know who the source of the information came from. This person is a very good customer of ours and he knows my wife and saw W and OM together. I called source myself and talk to him. He saw them together and once W and OM regognized they were spotted,they both backed off.

OK, so that's the one incident. What about all of the other stuff?

You don't believe your wife, and you don't want to trust her. Maybe she doesn't deserve that trust.

But you aren't going to be able to rebuild your relationship until you can learn to trust her. It'll probably take a transparency plan, for starters.