Looking for help with WAW

[sandi2]

Wise decision not to meet with W this weekend.

MZ, you really need to stop emailing her. She is not responding to any of your questions and all she is focused on is the money. Each time you contact her, it is pursuing and it places pressure on her....and she will resist it by putting up a thicker/higher wall around herself. Right now, she is also uses her family as part of her wall.

I think you should not contact her at all. You decide when you are ready to meet. I hope you will get advice about how to handle this finacially. I hope you will not leave all your money in the joint account.

Just trying to keep hope alive right now as it's clear my W is only focued on herself right now.

Can I tell you something very plain? Don't I always! Your hope is going to be found in MZ.....not the wife. The faster you can begin to focus on your life and what you enjoy and what your goals & plans for the future are.....and stop including your W in every thought you have....then you will begin to feel hope. I realize that is not the answer you wanted, but it is what you need.

There is always a chance your W will get past this stage and begin to think clearer, but it takes some W's 2-3 years, depending on the stitch. I don't usually tell people that b/c it is discouraging, but the LBH doesn't need to sit around all that time hoping "she" is going to come around. He needs to make his life about him and his kids and stop killing himself trying to become what he thinks she wants him to be. Become what you think is the best "you" and do it for MZ and nobody else.

Basically I'd like her to at least consider some stress free time away from each other and maybe this will help her to begin to soften?

See? You are still putting too much "hope" into her changing. This needs to be about you making changes for your life. You are the one who needs time apart right now. I think that she is hell bent on a D. Depending on her influence is around her will probably help to determine how soft she would be at the end of the time, so you can't depend on that.

If you face her in the meeting and tell her you are prepared to file for a legal separation, that will take her by surprise b/c she is expecting you to plead with her.....like you've been doing in the emails. Remember, that's why she's bringing her father. She may be preparing to approach you about a S, but I doubt it. I think she wants to go straight for a D.

A S would give you that "space" you wanted for her to soften. You could go dark during that time and it would give you breathing time. You could continue to put your changes in place and make sure they are sticking! Making them stick is the problem. Making sure they are for you and not her is another problem.

One of the main things I want you to consider is this: when she meets with you (at the date/time you set), you listen to whatever she has to say and keep quiet, calm, and collected. Then when she is through, you ask her if she has finished and if so then you tell her that you want a legal S. Tell her that you believe that is what a couple should do before getting D. Tell her that you've thought it over carefully and that you believe time apart would be good right now. Tell her that both of you need to feel free to do whatever you want without pressure from the other one.

You don't discuss anything about hoping that she will change her mind about the M, or you or anything. Don't talk about the R. That's very important. Not the time. You are going to turn that thing around in a way that will make her wonder why the sudden change in you. But you do not want to tip your hand.

When the finacial stuff is talked about (and BTW, it needs to be legal or she'll take you to the cleaners) and everything is about wrapped up, then you add this: "BTW, W, I assumed we would be free to date other people, right?"

Okay, you may or may not really want to see others.....but the point right then is to make her think you are interested. I doubt she has consider "you" being available to OW! Plant that thought there! If she asks you if you want to date or anything about it, just play it cool. You are being the cool one today, and making "her" wonder. Don't show your emotions. But, you can say something like, "If we are going to be legally S, I just thought it might be nice to feel what it was like to be single again."

If she asks you if you have a GF or interested in OW, don't say yes or no. Don't tell her you "won't date". Even if she says she won't date (b/c she's lying)don't agree that you won't date. She needs to see you being available to OW,for her own good!

You may tell me that you could never date b/c of your moral beliefs.....and that's fine. Like I said, it is what she thinks about it. A woman who is wanting to walk away from her M doesn't really "care" about her H's moral beliefs. What will get her attention is to realize that he may start dating OW. A little thing called old human nature!

So when you decide to have that meeting, you go into it with a whole different attitude. You go into there telling her what you've decided. Don't go in there "asking" her to "consider". She'll eat you alive if you do that.

I know you see this as a big risk. I see it as your only hope of shocking her out of her fogged condition. She needs to suffer "loss" and "shock" and you are about to give her both. She needs to suddenly see herself without her H and that he is living a single's life. That is the "consequenses" of being a WAW!!