Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Thanks Wonderful and soleil. I am in IC for me and have been for the past two months. I was just interviewing other counselors to make sure I have who I really trust when the time comes for my wife to hopefully join us in counseling.

I agree that I don't think now is the right time for my W to go to counseling with me as she just wants to go for closure. I'm really trying not to put a timetable on this. I realize my wife didn't get here overnight and it will take some time. I just miss my wife and want her back.

Keep the suggestions coming. There are very helpful.

[sandi2]

Good morning. I welcome you to the board and sure hope you will stick with it. You are going to hear some things that you probably don't want to hear....but I believe it's everyone's intentions to help each other b/c we are a community here. Some are encouraging and some are blunt and lay out the facts.....so hang on and don't get defensive if a 2x4 comes at ya....okay?

You wondered if your W was a WAW or in MLC. From what you have said....she has already walked away, but have you seen any signs of a MLC? Just based on what you have told us, I kind of doubt that she is, but don't have enough information yet.

I can tell you that I understand financial problems and the stress it causes. I also understand depression and how it affects a person. So, with that said, I will be talking to you mostly from the POV of a WAW (which I was an "almost" WAW). A woman can be a WAW in her heart, and yet hasn't actually walked away yet. Still has all the same symptoms.

IMO, this is where your trouble peeked:

For the past two years after my company closed I have not had a steady job. My wife asked me to get one

As I said, I understand depression b/c I have had to deal with clinical depression for many years. And your W may be very sweet, patient, and understanding....but after a while, the W begins to look at her H who is not working and is not "trying" to work and all she sees is what appears to be laziness or giving up. Remember, I am not saying your "were" these things, but that is how a lot of women "see" the man on the outside. As "equal" the sexes may be in our society, the nature of the female has not changed that much. There are certain things that will affect her respect for her H--and him not working is one of those things (IMO). I have seen this even in cases where the H was disabled and the W "knew" he was disabled, but it still took a toll on her respect b/c she saw the H "laying around the house" doing nothing. I am speaking of several cases that I know of personally in my life.

So she lost respect for you. No matter if you had a "medical" reason for it.....it still happened. When she lost her respect for you....she stopped having the "feelings" she once had. It works together for a woman. She has to have respect for her H first...then the feelings will start to come back.

All of this since October? Can’t understand why she is moving so fast?

It does not seem "fast" to her b/c she has felt emotionally D from you long before she actually left the home. That is why she is able to move so quickly with all of this. OTOH, you are in shock, so it seems extremely fast action. What you need to do is stop yourself from staying in a pit of confusion and emotions (which is very natural) and force yourself to have a plan of action. But let me say this....please don't "act" upon anything before you confront the board members, b/c you are in shock and don't know what to do at this point. That is why we are here to support--and hopefully guide you in the right direction to help you begin a new M with your W.

I want to save you some time. In order to move forward, you "must" prevent yourself from dwelling on how the M was in the past. Stop thinking of how your W use to be, etc. That is over. That M is dead. It is okay to mourn its death, but you can't afford to stay in mourning b/c of the importance of the time factor and b/c you must think ahead and not backward. You can have a new M with her and that is the "hope" right there! Are you willing to stop hanging on to what use to be, and shoot for a brighter future?

It takes hard, patient, consistant work. There will be ups & downs like you never thought possible. The first thing you have to realize, after you accept that the old M is over, is to stop dwelling on your W changing. You wanted to shake her and bring her out of the state she's in. But that was exactly how she felt toward you when she was asking you to find a job. She wanted to shake you out of your depression! So get your focus off of her changing, okay? Strickly focus on what you can do to completely do a "make-over" on yourself. These will be your personal goals. Make it exciting! Make the goals about "you" and not your W.

You have to accept that this woman is not the person you M. She has changed and so have you. I was very young when I M and by the time I was your W's age, my idea of what was attractive in men had certainly changed from when I was fresh out of school. It comes with growing up. People change. And, if you are willing to do what the board will advise you to do.....you will be doing more changing than you probably "ever" have before.

My wife originally said she would go to marriage counseling but now tells me she only wants to go for closure.

It would be a mistake to try to get your W to go to MC b/c she is not wanting to repair the M at this point.....she wants to "end" it. So, don't bring that subject up again. If she was to bring it up (b/c she wants closure), tell her that you have thought about it and you are not ready for MC and that you are working with your IC at the moment. "Maybe later". (You will learn to give shorter answers whenever it comes to a R question from her.)

I’ve done my 180s

Besides NC in three weeks, what has been the 180's done? BTW, 180's are usually a consistant work in progress. Your W will either notice the changes or hear about your changes from others. However, it is unlikely that she will say anything to you about them. You know why. She doesn't think they will stick. This is why it is most vital that you make these changes (whatever they are) for "you" and nobody else. They are to make you a better person so that you will repect yourself....and like yourself and for no other reason. That means that you don't change to make your W like you better. You don't change to get her back. It takes some men a long time to get that point.

I can't expound enough on how important it is for you to back away from your W. As I have told others, a rule of thumb to remember in starting all of this, is that when you pull back....your W will draw in closer; if you pursue....your W will back away. If you did nothing but live by that measuring stick, it would do wonders!

In this entire process, you will have to learn that you do everything opposite from what you think is the "normal" steps to be taking. B/c the WAW does not think like she use to and she doesn't feel like she use to and won't act logical according to you. You cannot base what use to work on this situation now. It is a whole new ball game! New rules to learn and apply. But DB is your game plan, so guard it and keep it private from her or she'll think you are using some "gimmick" and that it is a sham.

Do I set boundaries now and say that I’m not ready to discuss dividing our things?

Absolutely! Tell her she is welcome to get any of her personal belongings or you can even pack them up and place in the garage (that might shock her), but you are not prepared for the "diving" other household things. Don't ever do anything like that that you do not feel ready to do and just tell her, "I am not prepared at this time to do that". Then no further discussion. You don't ever have to continue in a discussion. Cut it off and leave or hang up the phone or show her the door....whichever the case.

Another boundary to set for right now would be to ask for her keys to the house. Why? B/c you are going to get your own life and she chose to leave your home and therefore she must feel the "loss" of certain things as a consequenses of that decision. One of those "losses" is the freedom of coming & going in your home whenever she chooses (if she's still doing that). Do you see where I'm going with this? It's a big step, in a way, and it will shock her and maybe make her angry....but that's okay. Don't fear her anger! You must be in control of your life and don't live every day based on how "she" may react to your decisions.

Don't fall into the trap of a R talk.....and she'll do it if you are not on guard at all times. Just like asking for her key....or telling her to leave it on the table (however you decide to do it)......she may protest and try to use that situation to pull you into a R talk, but stay focused on the subject at hand and simply don't talk. Tell her the conversation is over.....and cut it off. If she asks "why" you want her keys, you can tell her this much, "You have decided to leave our marital home, so when you do that....you leave the keys to the home also." If she asks about the other things in the house, then tell her that discussion will come later, but not right now. You just keep going back to that response......you are not prepared to discuss it at this time. Then she'll want to know if you've been talking to a lawyer (lol) b/c she knows that doesn't sound like you, but don't tell her yes or no. You can just look at her and say nothing. That is another thing you will need to learn.

Now, obviously I don't know much about your W so this is very general. But an example of some women pulling you into a R talk when you ask for the key would be her saying something like, "So does that mean you are want/ready for a D?" And you just say, "This is not what this conversation is about and I'm not prepared to discuss anything right now. I simply want you to leave the keys to our house b/c I have a right to my space & privacy just as you do." If she is the type of woman who presists in trying to talk about something....you hold up your hand in a stop sign position and softly, but very firmly repeat yourself that you aren't going to discuss anthing else right now. It's very effective! So what if she gets mad? This MR is dead and over. A new one is on its way! (She doesn't know that....and you aren't going to tell her a new one is coming, b/c she's not ready to hear that.) Just keep that in mind. It will be rough going through some of these steps, but if you keep your eye on the goal, you'll be strong enough to make it through.

Do I tell her that I want to talk in person about that when the time comes?

If you are referring to talking about boundaries to her in person.....I don't think that is always necessary. In fact, there are some stitch's where emails work best. So, like in the asking for her keys....if you think email would be best, then it's your call. However, on that particular item, if it were me....I would not "warn" her of your intentions of asking for her keys and wait until you are face to face with her....and that way, she doesn't have time to make copies (lol). Don't know if she's that kind of woman or not. She doesn't sound like it so far....but never know. It may come across as "petty" if it was done through email....IDK.

On something like the keys, don't go through another person to tell your W, b/c that would be humiliating for her, so unless she is in an A, try to treat her respectfully as you can . Show her strenth and respectability from you. Be firm, yet not mean or ugly. (And these "keys" was just an example of a boundary. Don't try to do all the boundaries at once. One at a time or as it is necessary.

Wheee.....long post! Have to go, but I'll check back. Take care.

Sandi

[mza8]

Sandi, wow, thank you for your reply. You have given me a lot of good information. Don't worry about the 2x4s, give me as many as it takes. Please continue to check back with my sitch.

I can understand what you're saying that even though I had depression, my W would have seen me as lazy. I'm afraid she still does. I also understand that she has probably lost respect for me. The only thing I can think of to turn that around is to show her consistent change. I understand that she would need to see that and I'm going to do it.

I realize she probably started feeling different long before she left. That makes me sad though because I wish she would have told me in a more direct way. I guess men can be a bit slow at times understanding their W's feelings but I would like to try. With my IC I am understanding more each time about what my W might have been going through. I feel her pain now and I wish I could take it away. I realize that our old M is dead but I'm hopeful that we can find a new stronger and lasting marriage in time. I know my W has changed from years ago and I'm happy for her. I think it a good thing that people can change and grow. I feel that we can change and grow but still keep the love in our hearts for our spouse. I guess I don't understand how growth means the one person grows out of the marriage?

I agree with you that now is not the right time to bring my W into a MC session since she only wants closure.

Besides NC, I have started my new job, going to IC, seeing a priest and going back to church every week, exercising, walking the dogs, reading relationship books, on my meds for depression (which has been a tremendous help in giving me my motivation back), I'll be starting a second job soon, seeing friends and spending time with my family. I've recently reconnected with a family member I haven't talked to in years. Other than not having my W right now I guess my life is going ok.

I have been staying away from my W and giving her space. It sort of backfired on me this week though. My W started emailing me earlier this week about meeting to discuss dividing up our things. I have been exhasuted this week with my new job. My days this week have been going to work very early and getting home late and then falling asleep by 6-7pm. I haven't been able to contact my W while I'm at work because I'm learning my new job and I'm very busy. The past two days she emailed, texted and called me several times. Since she didn't hear from me for just the past two days, yesterday she withdrew a large amount of money from our joint account. I emailed her last night and tried to explain that I have been exhausted from my job and asleep very early. I told her that I was not ignoring her. I would not pruposely ignore my W. Anyway, I talked to her today and she said she was upset that I didn't get back to her. Remember, I haven't bothered her nor have I heard from her in over three weeks and all of a sudden she keeps on me to contact her in two days. So she tells me that she moved the money to another account. She then tells me that she wants me to meet her and she wants her father to be at the meeting. What? I told her we are adults and her and I should be the only ones to meet. She is not giving in to her father being there.

We started talking about the money and she didn't want to talk about it until we met. I then changed the subject to calm her down. She was talking a mile a minute and wouldn't let me finish. She kept thinking the worst of what I was going to say. I calmed her down and told her I understood...tried to validate. I then said we can figure out how to meet and discuss these things together. She still wants the father present. I told her I would call her later to discuss. She kept saying she had to go to a meeting so I didn't keep her on the phone and said we could talk later. Two things I noticed from the phone call today. One, my W is angry no matter what she says. My wife has a huge protective wall up against me right now. There were times during the conversation she was very nice and other times she had her guard up.

Right now it is somewhat difficult to set too many boundaries since she has most of the money from our joint account. I will try for small boundaries right now. She told me she isn't being nasty but she didn't hear from me for two days so she didn't know what was going on. Unfortunately she saw the DB phone coaching charge on our joint account. So she was upset that I used our joint money for that but that's the money that I use for our bills and my daily expenses. I use the money for my doctor's visits so how is this any different? She is trying to be very controlling right now. I did the DB coaching for me and not to impress her. I didn't want her to see it. When I booked it Db told me it would show up as MWD but it showed Michele's name which my W said she Googled and found out. She's snooping.

As far as R talk, my W does not want any R talk unless for closure with the counselor. She told me today that we are in two different places with this separation.

I know for a fact my W is not in an A. She is just in a different place right now. It's part my fault that she is in this place but I hope to change that. I have been extremely kind and respectful. I need to work on my strength in front of her.

We'll see what happnens in the next few days.

Any advice based on today's activities?

[sandi2]

I don't think having her father there at the meeting is a good idea. I can think of a few reasons....right off the top of my head without even thinking hard. She either wants him there for moral support of her; or she wants to say she had him for her "witness" (and then maybe they both lie about whatever is said); or she wants him to take over the conversation and intimadate you; or she has done a very bad thing with your money and she is afraid to tell you without her daddy there to help her. Is he a bully? IDK, of course....just a few wild guesses, but if I were you, I would tell her that if it has come to the point of having to pull in family members in your private conversations....and especially about finances, then perhaps you need to consult with your lawyer first. It is unfair of her to pull this stunt and she "is" being controlling. You probably have allowed her to do that so much in the past that now she is just over-bearing with it. Just b/c she said she wants something does not mean you have to do what she says. Stand up to her and show her that you will not be bull-dozed down into the ground.

I suspect she has been anxious to contact you the past couple of days b/c of the money situation. Don't crumble at their pressure. If you have to have you a "witness", then don't tell her that you plan to have a person in your corner at the meeting. Just let her and daddy show up and find out for themselves that you can do likewise.

It may not sound nice....what I am saying. But I am trying to "think" like she is at the moment.....and it could get crazy, so hang on and don't get slung off the rollercoaster.

[sandi2]

Have you talked to a lawyer to see how you can protect yourself? Why does she have all this control over the joint accounts? Well, not any of my business....just saying that you may not need to be so trusting at the moment.

I'm sure she found this board in the search, so you need to delete any of your history after you post.

[mza8]

Sandi,

I agree, I do not want to meet my W with her father there. She wants him there for moral support. Since she left she has always had one of her family members with her when her and I have met. She brought her sister with her the night she left me. It's sad really that my W needs her family for such support. Ny W is acting very immature. She said she put the money in another accont to be used for our joints bills. This is ridiculous. I told her that I won't meet until she puts the money back into our account. She said she will talk to me about that when we meet. So right now we are at a standstill. She wants to meet this weekend and I'm not sure I'm ready. I feel I should stand my ground and not meet until she puts the money back but I'm not sure she will do that. Maybe best to meet and at least hear what she has to say and make no committments? I called her father yesterday and told him that I don't think it's a good idea for him to be at the meeting and this is between my W and I. He said my W wants him only for moral support and he isn't goiong to say much of anything, just sit there...not sure about that one. He told me that I am very persuasive. I think he means that my W is afraid that I might start to talk about R and she might be convinced to work on marraige? Don't know for sure. When my W told me she wanted a divorce a couple of months ago, she did tell me that I have talked her into things in the past and she didn't want me to talk her into staying in the marriage. My question is if she isn't able to meet with me individually and she beleives that I might persuade her, then could this mean that she isn't 100% sure that she wants out of the marriage?

Her father told me yesterday that if I have any shot to get her back that I would need to show her a track record for a while and that it couldn't be done in a few weeks. I told him I know this and that's what I'm in the process of doing. This is all so confusing. I think about how I should handle this with my W everyday. We did talk a couple times on the phone yesterday. The first conversation we talked about the meeting and money situation. She did not want to talk about it on the phone and said she would talk about it at the meeting. Two things I took from that conversation. My wife seemed angry with me even though she has told me in the past she isn't. Second, she has a huge wall up against me as her defense mechanism. She kept talking and interuptin me and finishing my sentences. She would think I was going to say something bad. I kept telling her to take a breath an d calm down. I said I didn't have anything bad to say and that I just wanted to talk about the meeting. There were times during the conversation she was very nice (like my old W) and times when she was someone else. Very strange. I told her I would call her later about possibly meeting last night. When I called her later I told her that I wanted to keep my IC appt. last night and we would need to meet another time. She was very nice and understood and we agreed she would get back to me with some other dates to meet. It was short and sweet but very nice. Then I bumped into her last night at the gas station and said hello. Again, she was very nice and we talked for a couple of minutes about the weather. It was difficult to see her last night even for the few minutes and then have to part ways. This sucks. The hardest part for me is being patient.

[Steve McQueen]

I don’t know if my wife is a WAW or in MLC or both. We are both in our mid 30s with no children. I’m confused because my wife is acting so weird. As other have said on this board, I feel like shaking her and telling her to wake up.

Something or someone shook her up already and She did wake up. That is why YOU are here and she is NOT.

She is reconnecting with about 20 old high school friends through FB for the past couple of weeks. Could this be a sign of MLC?

Who is she "reconnecting" with? the Girls? or Men? Divorced Men? or Married Men? or unhappily married men who had a thing for her 15 years ago? Confident, decisive, emotionally strong men? or dumpy, depressed and needy men? Find out what these guys look like and how much money they are making and I will tell you whether your wife is a WAW or in MLC or both.

[sandi2]

This taken from a previous post of yours:

Right now it is somewhat difficult to set too many boundaries since she has most of the money from our joint account.

Since it is a "joint" account, then why not go get the amount you need to pay your bills, and open a separate account that she does not have access to. Why do you allow her to switch the money around and do all this stuff without your say-so? You can't continue to do like you did before. She'll wipe you out....if she hasn't already. Protect yourself and stop thinking of her as the little W who takes care of all the bills. Things are different now.

She wants to meet this weekend and I'm not sure I'm ready

I agree, you are not ready. You are not in control and you need to get in control of this situation and right now! Stop letting her lead you around by the nose.

he isn't goiong to say much of anything

Notice anything special in this sentence? "Much of anything" means he is coming loaded for bear.

He told me that I am very persuasive.

Ahhhh.....this is it. He will be there so you won't pursuade her into doing something she (or maybe he) doesn't want. There is no telling what she's told her father to get him on her side of things.

My question is if she isn't able to meet with me individually and she beleives that I might persuade her, then could this mean that she isn't 100% sure that she wants out of the marriage?

Oh no, not at all! She definitely wants out of the M! She just knows that she is too weak to face you without a family member there to be with her and give her courage to carry through with what she wants. Don't fool yourself into thinking she isn't sure of what she wants and that she just might change her mind. The sooner a LBH stops that kind of thinking, the better he can move forward and function with reality.

I don't know what's up about the money, but something is. Get control of it.

[mza8]

Steve M, the HS friends my W has been reconnecting with on FB are all married with chidlren. They all seem like your average people in terms on wealth, status, etc. She also added friends that she used to work with about 6-8 years ago to her FB. I don't think she even posts much at all to these HS or old work friends, she just added them. The old work friends she added she never even really talked to that much when she knew them. Stange. Not really sure why she feels the need to try to connect with these people...MLC?

Sandi, as always thank you for you feedback. I do need to protect myself with the money. My W is being extremely controlling. I have decided not to meet with her this weekend. It's been a long week at my new job and I need to do a lot of work this weekend for it. I also need to catch up on some much needed rest and make some time for me!

I agree that her father will probably put his two cents in to the conversation. He would step in if I tried to persuade her to do something...I agree. My W has always had insecurity problems.

When I emailed my W a couple of nights ago about the meeting, I also included a few things about wanting to see if she would be willing to take some time apart before making any decision about a divorce. I told her that I didn't want her to regret her decision down the road because she thinks she is convinced this is what she wants now. I also mentioned a few other things that I love her and I want her to be happy. We have been emailing back and forth today about this meeting and each time I have asked her if she read my email with my thoughts. She responds about the meeting but never answers my question if she read my email regarding my thoughts. I've asked her somevery light personal stuff in the past emails about how's she doing etc. She never responds to those things. She can't give me much of anything personal right now. Is this normal at this stage?

Sandi, with all of these things my W is doing right now, can she get past this stage and begin to think clearer about marriage. Obviously she has a huge wall up about this marriage. I realize this marraige is dead but I'm referring to creating a new marriage with her. I'm committed on my end to contiinue to fight for this marriage. Just trying to keep hope alive right now as it's clear my W is only focued on herself right now. I'd like to ask her again if she would be open to taking a break for a few months and we have little to NC. Then we could talk with a MC and perhaps at least begin to communicate with each other. Might be worth a shot or now is not the right time. Basically I'd like her to at least consider some stress free time away from each other and maybe this will help her to begin to soften? What I would really like to ask her is if we knew of my depression a year ago would she have given me time back then to see if the meds would have helped me get back to my old self? If the answer is yes, then why would she not give me time now? I've done so many positive changes since going on my depression meds. I'm sure my W thinks I did all of this changes because she left but I beleive I am able to make these changes with the help of the meds. I couldn't have done all of these changes in the place I was in for the past two years.

Again, any advice is always welcome!

[sandi2]

Wise decision not to meet with W this weekend.

MZ, you really need to stop emailing her. She is not responding to any of your questions and all she is focused on is the money. Each time you contact her, it is pursuing and it places pressure on her....and she will resist it by putting up a thicker/higher wall around herself. Right now, she is also uses her family as part of her wall.

I think you should not contact her at all. You decide when you are ready to meet. I hope you will get advice about how to handle this finacially. I hope you will not leave all your money in the joint account.

Just trying to keep hope alive right now as it's clear my W is only focued on herself right now.

Can I tell you something very plain? Don't I always! Your hope is going to be found in MZ.....not the wife. The faster you can begin to focus on your life and what you enjoy and what your goals & plans for the future are.....and stop including your W in every thought you have....then you will begin to feel hope. I realize that is not the answer you wanted, but it is what you need.

There is always a chance your W will get past this stage and begin to think clearer, but it takes some W's 2-3 years, depending on the stitch. I don't usually tell people that b/c it is discouraging, but the LBH doesn't need to sit around all that time hoping "she" is going to come around. He needs to make his life about him and his kids and stop killing himself trying to become what he thinks she wants him to be. Become what you think is the best "you" and do it for MZ and nobody else.

Basically I'd like her to at least consider some stress free time away from each other and maybe this will help her to begin to soften?

See? You are still putting too much "hope" into her changing. This needs to be about you making changes for your life. You are the one who needs time apart right now. I think that she is hell bent on a D. Depending on her influence is around her will probably help to determine how soft she would be at the end of the time, so you can't depend on that.

If you face her in the meeting and tell her you are prepared to file for a legal separation, that will take her by surprise b/c she is expecting you to plead with her.....like you've been doing in the emails. Remember, that's why she's bringing her father. She may be preparing to approach you about a S, but I doubt it. I think she wants to go straight for a D.

A S would give you that "space" you wanted for her to soften. You could go dark during that time and it would give you breathing time. You could continue to put your changes in place and make sure they are sticking! Making them stick is the problem. Making sure they are for you and not her is another problem.

One of the main things I want you to consider is this: when she meets with you (at the date/time you set), you listen to whatever she has to say and keep quiet, calm, and collected. Then when she is through, you ask her if she has finished and if so then you tell her that you want a legal S. Tell her that you believe that is what a couple should do before getting D. Tell her that you've thought it over carefully and that you believe time apart would be good right now. Tell her that both of you need to feel free to do whatever you want without pressure from the other one.

You don't discuss anything about hoping that she will change her mind about the M, or you or anything. Don't talk about the R. That's very important. Not the time. You are going to turn that thing around in a way that will make her wonder why the sudden change in you. But you do not want to tip your hand.

When the finacial stuff is talked about (and BTW, it needs to be legal or she'll take you to the cleaners) and everything is about wrapped up, then you add this: "BTW, W, I assumed we would be free to date other people, right?"

Okay, you may or may not really want to see others.....but the point right then is to make her think you are interested. I doubt she has consider "you" being available to OW! Plant that thought there! If she asks you if you want to date or anything about it, just play it cool. You are being the cool one today, and making "her" wonder. Don't show your emotions. But, you can say something like, "If we are going to be legally S, I just thought it might be nice to feel what it was like to be single again."

If she asks you if you have a GF or interested in OW, don't say yes or no. Don't tell her you "won't date". Even if she says she won't date (b/c she's lying)don't agree that you won't date. She needs to see you being available to OW,for her own good!

You may tell me that you could never date b/c of your moral beliefs.....and that's fine. Like I said, it is what she thinks about it. A woman who is wanting to walk away from her M doesn't really "care" about her H's moral beliefs. What will get her attention is to realize that he may start dating OW. A little thing called old human nature!

So when you decide to have that meeting, you go into it with a whole different attitude. You go into there telling her what you've decided. Don't go in there "asking" her to "consider". She'll eat you alive if you do that.

I know you see this as a big risk. I see it as your only hope of shocking her out of her fogged condition. She needs to suffer "loss" and "shock" and you are about to give her both. She needs to suddenly see herself without her H and that he is living a single's life. That is the "consequenses" of being a WAW!!