First of all, you did a fantastic job of how you should act when she came home from work. I loved it when you called her out on her b!tchy behavior and then left the room. I think that is one of the first steps women take in the breakdown of respect......acting that way and then the H just lets it ride. So, yes.....put a stop to her doing that and then walk away from her. It stops arguring and causes her to reflect on her behavior and she sees you will not tolerate that......and it builds respect toward you.
You also handled yourself well when she came in the bedroom. If I'm understanding that you were already in bed when she came in and started in to find fault with the child-caring. If you were turned in for the night (in case that happens again) you can firmly tell her that you need to get your sleep and that you will not listen to her badderging. She will have to set up a "Find Fault with H Night" someplace else or change her tactics b/c it's closing time here.
The marital bed is not the place to get into an argument.
One of Puppy's sayings that I love is to tell the W, "You are so unattractive when you do that!" That statement can be applied to anything at anytime!
There is a time, a place, and a decent way of presenting concerns to you....and that isn't it. You have to talk to her firmly.....like talking to a teenager who is out of line. But, the key is to say what you need to say in a few words (at that time) and make them powerful. She will try to turn it into a R talk if you don't get control and hit her verbally with a one-two punch of a line.
This puts it all back on her instead of her dumping on you like she had intended to do. Don't fall into her trap of a R talk. Take control quickly and turn the tables by showing your strenth and then cutting it off and either turning over and going to sleep--or leave. When she asks you what you are going to do (I wish that was the time you would have gotten dressed and left the house ) but you tell her, "I suddenly have a craving for........um, an ice cream cone!" and then you leave. It is pretty effective if there is snow on the ground.....
You see, this is when you can show an air of mystery and she forgets about her OM and her mood, and her attention is on you and what in the world you are up to. One man did that and he said it worked great! You don't lie, but it makes her wonder about things enough to be interested. Keeps you from being so predictable.
You see, when you left her earlier and wouldn't listen to any more of her b!tching, she wasn't through with you and was determined to finish, so that is why she waited until you went to bed. Guess she thought she had a captive audiance. Next time, (if you can emotionally do it), turn the light out by your side of the bed and turn over facing opposite way from her and say, "I'm going to sleep now". Then don't respond to anything else she says. As if you are dead asleep. This puts you in a position of strength & control and shows her that she is not getting anywhere with that behavior.
She was hitting below the belt by picking the subject of the kids. She does feel guilty and she doesn't know how to handle that so she is shifting things around to make you the guilty party. Wow, big surprise! That seems to be the only thing she knows to do in order to make herself look less of a bad wife & mother.
Another thing in considering her bad mood is that if she went to see the W of the deceased, it seems like she would have been more in a mood like she was when the suicide happened. Doesn't that seem odd that she was so emotional over the suicide and yet after she went to see his W in the hospital, she comes home all pissed off? Seems strange to me. So, I'm wondering if she did not contact OM either during the day or over a phone. Remember what we say here on the board....that bad=good, and good=bad when it comes to a WAS in an EA. In other words, if there is trouble in paradise, or should I say "fantasy world" and the OM told her something that left her in a sour mood.....guess who she will take that mood out on? So, it's just a theory. It could have been stress at work, but you know what I would tell her the next time she pulls that? I would stand up and look her dead in the eyes and say, "W, you seriously need to consider installing a heavy duty punching bag to use in relieving your stress at the end of the day. I will not be used for you to verbally punch. It is disrespectful and I refuse to tolerate it any more." Then leave the room or the house (would be better) and let her reflect.
You are doing really great. Keep hanging in there!
Last edited by sandi2; 01/09/1001:30 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
