loving distance

[rockedworld]

Hi CW,

35 lbs since August! wow... that's a lot really fast. Are you eating ok now? Taking vitamins? I lost 40 lbs over all but that was since April, and have finally started to eat normally again. Became a bit anemic, so taking vitamins is important. Take care of yourself! But... enjoy the new body and new clothes! You ARE smokin' hot... believe it and act like it! That is good for you and your self esteem!

Chemo? I didn't read your previous thread... I would love a quick update.

Still waiting to hear your positive self-talk phrase... come on.... what is it?

[courageous wife]

HI RW!

Yes, in July 08 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a double masectomy in August. I chose a double because my Mom, her Mom and my Dad's sister all had it. My Dad's sister's came back in the other one a couple of years later. I did a genetic test but it was negative...just a strong family history! The cancer had not spread but they recommended chemo as an extra precaution so my last session with that was Dec 08. It seems like it has taken my hair forever to grow back! I have had one trim since then! In Feb 09, I went in for reconstruction surgery and implants. That all went well and at the urging of H, I went back in last month and got "nipples". H had been so good & supportive of my decisions. I didn't realize that it bothered him that I didn't have those.

Before H dropped the bomb, I had started a walking routine several times a week and when he told me of OW, I was walking EVERYDAY!!! It really did help to relieve some of the emotions I was going thru. My appetite is fine! I am just eating way less. I had homemade mac and cheese last night and was it awesome!!! Comforting! I just filled 5 trash bags full of clothes that are way too big to take to Goodwill because I will NEVER be that size again! I am usually always a little anemic so should be taking a vitamen with iron but I hate taking pills!

I am still working on my mantra!!!

[courageous wife]

I am bothered by H not calling the kids today. He has to know that we have another snow day. I suppose that is typical behaviour?

RW-if you haven't read my original thread, then you don't know that this is the 2nd time that H has had an A. The first time was Feb 01. It didn't last very long. H moved out for about a month AFTER he ended it with her. He asked me if he could come home and told me how sorry and stupid he was and the only boundary I set at that time was to make him promise that he wouldn't do that to me again. You can see how that worked out for me! At that time I did blame myself because I had not been supportive at all. H came home and said "I quit my job!" Didn't talk it over with me...I knew he was unhappy there but thought he'd look for a different one first! He took another one that had him being called in at all hours! I never knew when he'd be home...we couldn't plan anything and I was a B about it!!

Anyway, this time around, should he decide to work on our R, I am "armed" with a lot of good information and will stand my ground on the boundaries I set.

I really want to have that conversation with him but suppose it is best to wait for H to contact me or visit? Stay in the dark, right?

[rockedworld]

Hi CW,

Sounds to me like staying dark is the right thing to do at this point, because you are getting nothing from H. This will give you more opportunity to detach, to work on yourself, to GAL, figure out your boundaries so they can be communicated when the time is right, etc.

So.... no mantra yet? Still waiting....

[Lost Rabbit]

CW I hope you dont mind me popping in on your thread! Just one thing I'd like to add, this is your second time around the block with H on the A front so perhaps now is a good time to not only learn to be more independant, I feel your anger about doing things on your own, just try and focus on the pride of doing it yourself. Even though my H is back and didnt have an affair after thirty years of being together I will never feel/trust him the way I did, so I want to be more independant or to put it a harsher way, independant enough that if anything goes wrong again I will be fine.. I always try to look at things as how would I do them if I had remained single, my single friends cope ok and dont fall apart from the lack of a man, they just organise things differently.. I bet your very proud of you S14 taking such responsibility on his shoulders for the fire when his dad is practising to be a 5yr old again! Funny my lad aged 14 was extremely grown up then, I remember him pulling rank on me about phoning H when I was poorly and I said not too, good job he did as I had pnuemonia bless him! You can do this hun and you will become stronger and wiser and set a fantastic example for your kids, just smile everytime it feels bad and remember what you are doing, its a 100% more than your H at the moment!

[courageous wife]

Hi RW...not mantra yet! Thought of a lot of funny ones! H did call this kids finally this afternoon. He wants to take them out to do something and mentioned he would split some more wood. I was not home so I didn't talk to him. Kids each have a friend here now so I wasn't able to ask them if anything else was said. Just glad he finally called the kids.

I am now trying to figure out what I can be doing tomorrow when he comes to pick up the kids and what "smokin' hot" clothes I will be wearing! Do I GAL or should I try and take the opportunity to talk with him??? Hope you are doing well!

[courageous wife]

LR...I do not mind at all that you are here! The more advice I can get the better! I understand what you are saying about learning to be independent! The sad thing for me is, is that I didn't get married until I was 31 and I WAS a very independent person before that but I only had myself to think of and I had a landlord for problems with my house and I had my Dad around IF I had a flat tire etc....but, I have a feeling that I will think the same way as you...how can we EVER fully trust our H's ever again??? I swear the other day when I was out digging for that wood and breaking my fingernails and freezing I was feeling a little like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind...I don't remember the exact quote but something like "as God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!" but we can insert "never be this cold again!" :-)

My S14 has always been his Dad's little shadow...whatever Dad did, he was right there trying to do it too! I am very proud of him for handling this as well as he has!!! D11 just seems kind of "indifferent" at this point...not sure what to think of that. Thanks again for stopping by and please do so again! I will catch up with your sitch!!!!

[rockedworld]

I think you should be there, look smokin' hot, smell good, but be on your way out the door around the same time he is taking the kids. Be cheerful, make it seem like you are really excited about whatever plans you have but be mysterious if he tries to find out what they are. You can always wink and say something like, "wouldn't YOU like to know?" laugh and drive away...
Then GAL! Enjoy yourself! It will help you feel good about yourself and that is good for you no matter what. Remember... these techniques are FIRST about you. If you get him to notice you or become curious about you, that is a bonus. But it is not the primary motivation.

You can do this!

[courageous wife]

Thanks RW!!! Should I take him aside and bring up the "I choose this marraige" talk?

[Lost Rabbit]

CW I wouldnt take him aside and do it, but if at any point he mentions any R talks, just politely say "you know my opinion, ILY and want to work on this marriage" and leave it at that, you dont need to back it up, quantify it or anything else. When my H went MIA and would pop back right at the beginning thats all I would say, it became like a mantra, also it stops you from going down routes and getting yourself into trouble..

One thing I always found handy was a preset selection of sentances, ones you could rehearse so that if you got tongue tied at any given time you can troll one out! Also a hasty retreat to the bathroom helps if you think youre gonna lose it with him.

Definitely look hot! echo RW being mysteriously excited does drive them potty with inquisitiveness, but remember its for you not him, it reminds you to GAL and that you HAL regardless of whats going on and that you can be strong and get through this! I tied some party tinsel round my bedhead as a permanant reminder of a fab night out I had, did me the power of good remembering it every night before I went to sleep.

Thanks for the welcome!