NC - W vanished ...

[avermont]

P17--

I'm with you. I feel my WA is in an exit affair. Hell, it's not even an affair: he is in a new relationship. He may have started it inappropriately, and left the one he was in for 23 years inappropriately--but I don't see what I gain by thinking of it as an "affair" anymore.

My WA is completely a conflict avoider. Trying to imagine him going through the conflict to end A; approach me to see if I am available, etc., etc., is almost laughable.

Because he is such a strong conflict avoider and people pleaser, I still fear that unless I "somehow" let him know that I am approachable for a possible R, he will never overcome the guilty/conflict avoidance/fear of rejection to even put a pinky toe in to test the waters.

I didn't get any WAS "script." I didn't get any "typical" WAS pattern. All I got was everything fine and dandy; a few weeks in July when I knew something was wrong, and then "I'm done."

We have been 89% NC since he told me he was leaving; most communication around house stuff. I have been 99% NC since mid-December; only one email about tenant stuff that the tenant copied to both of us; I replied to the tenant and only copied him.

So--I can't see that I am DB'ing here. What DB'ing is there to do? Besides for me, of course!

I have GAL; I am out and about; even a movie date for tomorrow. I am doing everything possibly good for myself. And trying to remember and do more for others, now that I am not completely crazy and anxiety quivering all the time. My brain is a little bit more under control.

It is frustrating to read about "do what works" and "cheeseless tunnels" when I can't do anything--in relation to him--that I could see working/not working to monitor, etc., in text-book DB fashion.

Anyhow, I am writing this I guess just to vent. I wonder if I should be on a "Get a new life after divorce" website/BB, as I really don't feel there is any "affair busting/DB'ing" to be done.

Of course I love having all of your support and advice during our mutually sucky times, and so I keep reading. I am trying to think of a new thread, but mostly I come up with "why am I here?"

I don't know that I would take him back if he asked tomorrow--which is a big change--but I also don't believe that anything I am or could do would change the trajectory of the "done" R.

Tough times are approaching: Taxes, which involves meeting with a tax person together (because of complicated joint ownership of house/rentals); will have to deal with a new tenant in February; his lease is up in May and he will start pushing on getting the house.

Things I am doing to protect myself:
Talked to bank today about re-fi the house. I am approved to carry the mortgage myself.
Talked to financial advisor to liquidate funds to have cash available.
Set an appointment with retirement account rep to see about liquidating retirement fund for cash (to buy X out). I am more than willing to take a loss, and pay taxes/penalties on retirement funds--retiring is the last thing I am worried about now!
Next week I will find a real-estate lawyer so I have one lined up.

I wrote earlier that I must take hope out and stab it through the heart with a stake, etc.

On a more practical note, I need to listen to books on my ipod to give my mind something else to think about. I realized today while working on a mindless (normally a nice soothing thing to do) that I was CONSTANTLY thinking about X and the sitch.

As soon as I realized that, I did all I could to "stop-think" and come up with something else to think about. I finally started going through the multiplication tables. I think the ipod will be better than that!

I apologize for this ridiculously long thread--just things I have been ruminating on, and here goes.