Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
sandi are you saying i should be a WAH? I'm sure she'll be happy when she returns . How do i greet her? What do i look for in her demeanor? When do i begin (if at all to discuss the R or boundaries). I feel frazzzled and fried. But i know i must try to be strong.
I don't know your W's personality, so it's hard to say. But, I think that is why it's important that you take the reigns and not sit and wait to see what she's going to do or say. You just need to know where you stand and what your boundaries will be. Do you know?
First.....do not talk about the R. What's the point? It doesn't work. The plan should be to state your boundaries as the need arises. You don't hit her with them as soon as she comes in the door and give her the list. But, if she stays out all night, then she needs to come home to locked door and lights out everywhere. Then the next day, you tell her that you believe staying out that late (or going wherever she went) is inappropriate and disprespectful. Tell her if she's been out past a certain time, then she can find some other place to spend the night.
That is just an example of a boundary. Another one would be about cell phone texting, computers, etc. But you take it as it comes.
Okay......what I meant by her coming home to discover she had a WAH. How would she react to that? I'm not saying for you to leave the marital home. But if she thought you were being unavailable to her and making yourself available at other times....in other places.....hummmmm. If you were getting phone calls that you had to take in the next room, and she'd hear you laugh and talking softly......hummmmm. If she were talking and you grabbed your cell and said, "Oh, excuse me, but I have to take this", and then leave out so she couldn't hear you talk.....hummmmm. Or, if you were TM while watching TV in front of her.......hummmmm.
I know, it sounds like playing games, doesn't it? Some say it is even malnipulative. Do what works! Do you want your M back? Do what works.
She needs to suffer loss and shock or she'll not come out of the fog to see you. As long as you dance to her tune, she gets to keep her cake and eat it too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
S2 - I need to talk to you... I will visit Sandi's Place this evening, please check in there soon.... Have to tell something I have let continue and need advice.....
Love ya girl, have a great day!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Don't sit home babysitting the kids and let her go out and party. You have some place to go and tell her before hand that you won't be home that evening so you can't keep the kids. You never tell her what you're doing. Don't lie, but be vague. It causes mystery.
There are a couple of things I thrown at you for you to consider. One is the idea of making her wonder if she has a WAH on her hands. You will be afraid that is exactly what she wants and that you'll lose any chance of getting her back. You've already lost her. That R is dead. That is why there is no point in discussing it. The only hope left is to have a new one. So, what did she see when she first saw you? Did she see a single attractive man who other women wanted to be with? Can you be that man again?
I'm not suggesting that you do something that would render you an unfit father! But, you need to GAL. You can do that and not tell her the details. Heck, you may go bowling, but she doesn't have to know where you've been or who all was there.
My suggestion about this is....if you want her to show respect by being home at a respectable hour of the evening, then I think you should do that .......as long as she does. However, if she doesn't show respect for you in that area.....then let her find out how it feels when you are out all night. You may be staying at your relative's house or a friend's. I'm not telling you to find a woman to sleep with! Do I make any sense in what I'm saying to do?
She's got to be attracted to you. She's got to think she's losing you fast. She's got to think that "you" are not interested in "her" anymore. She isn't sexy to you! Wow!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
EVERYTHING you say makes sense to me and i Believe has the capacity to work. Please understand that it IS Hard but i'm trying. I cried myself to sleep last nite and have to go to work in a little while. I did NOT call her and i've Not called her . She does call Almost every day But i know she's probably wondering a bit as to my activities. like i said, i don't know what's up her sleeve. She seems to fluctuate . I've been CRAVING intimacy (not necessarily sex). I must have some plan in place by wednesday. She is quite unpredictable so it's hard . Thankyou for following my thread! ps...our kid is almost 20 and in college.
also, feeling kinda bad right now. wife called this afternoon from south america and i DIDN'T answer the phone. Maybe i shouldn't feel bad, but i DO. I'm gonna get dinner tonite with my sister and her kids.
