Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - thanks for the detailed response. You have helped me so much over the past few weeks, words do it no justice. Please be proud of the difference you make in people's lives.

While I was reading your response, my phone rang at work, it was W's work number. I turned on my brain and said let the secretary answer...as luck would have it, I heard the secretary on the other line, so I had to answer, but didn't give the "Hi" like I normally would recognizing the number, I answered official. Luckily, I had just read the tone in the voice comment from you, so I made sure to turn on a little of the glad to hear from you tone in my voice.
She was not friendly, but not cold either. If she had been overly friendly, I would have been worried to be honest. She said hi and said I am calling to let you know that I am going to the hospital to visit the W of the deceased. She's very sick. I acted interested and asked a couple short questions about the sickness and then just said that is fine because I was going to leave a little earlier than usual to give the nanny a break on a Friday. W then tells me she learned of an iphone app that we have to download to our phones tonight when she gets home. I said sounds good. She then said again, I just wanted to let you know I am going to the hospital and calling is easier than texting. I said thanks. And that was the end of the conversation. I made sure I didn't ask how late, heck I didn't even ask her which hospital she is going too.

I can see how that could be carried to extreme and the LBS be too short on the answer and thereby seemingly mad about something.

I'm guilty of this I'm sure. Got to watch out, got to find the balance which is a perfect word and one that hits home with me.

My suggestion would be to not be just sitting watching TV or reading the paper, or something "quiet" like that. People can be very angry and watch TV. Some can come across as sulking if they aren't saying much. I think it is probably such a drastic change for you that she thinks something's up. So.....some guilt may be there also.

I would have never have thought of that. Thanks. yes it is probably too extreme for me.

I'm not the best at giving answers like this

You are better than you think...I like your answers.

If she asks if you are mad at her, say..."Of course not. Should I be?" But then smile a cute smile at her and turn it off with something else funny to say.

That is perfect for me...that will work well with the way I have been acting/behaving since coming up from hitting rock bottom and getting out of the pleading/beggin stages.

You are under a lot of pressure. Know where that pressure is coming from? I bet you do.

I want to answer that one separately and later. Need to reflect and make sure I am being honest with myself.

Be your own best friend, GW. Whenever you are so worried and let the fear get control then you've lost. Right now....the OM or the EA is not the real enemy. Fear is the true enemy in this R.

You sure you don't have a PHD in this stuff? This quote is powerful to me. I have to be my own best friend right now, I've lost mine and given the situation (family, high level work positions, kids, moving this summer) there aren't other options. Fear - that is the enemy. Fear of the unknown. I am not ready to drop the rope, I know that much. I'm not going to kid myself. I can start detaching, I can get there, I have to get there. It is hard. We were apart because of work for 6 months (May - Oct) this summer and I was detached then by being so many time zones apart, so I was looking forward to re-connecting when we got together again only to walk into a WAW situation. So that's been tough. My needs (of all types/levels) have been unfulfilled now for a long time, though I realize not compared to stretches of time in past for W.

The winner question is tough for me. I've been having to refine that and i don't know if I have it all figured out yet. My changes have been deep and rapid so my whole world is spinning. In fact, my changes in attitude about job/career have actually pissed W off. But she can't make me stay on the same path I was on. If this turns out like I want it too, I need more time to build a new M. If this turns out otherwise, I need the time to be a Super Dad and possbily single parent. So I have made some decisions that I feel GOOD about but I think that she feels I am turning down opportunities that I shouldn't. But at this point I HAVE TOO and its what I WANT to do, so I'm not giving her a vote. She used to get a vote, that changed when she announced she had decided she was going to leave in the summer and she wasn't even going to tell me until then.

Smell attractive at home

I have never worn cologne except a little her and there on special occassions. I've read this comment from both you and Greek, so it has tons of validity. But my concern is it might seem like pursuing again if I go out, buy some, and start wearing cologne. What do you think?

The look attractive is something I am working hard on. No more sloppy lounge clothes, hair is always brushed, contacts instead of glasses at almost all times, and trying hard to put back on the weight I lost after the bomb was dropped. I was always a skinny person and was probably near my ideal weight. After the bomb was dropped, I lost another 12 pounds in a matter of weeks and have had a hard time putting it back on. I am trying hard because I am too thin now (My opinion) and the W's opinion too. She keeps on telling me I need more meat on my bones. That is the first thing she said to me the night of suicide when she came over and fell asleep on my chest. Every meal, she is shoving extra food/helpings on my plate. This is a problem I've never had before...I've always had to watch what I eat to keep weight where I want it. Now I need to add another 10 pounds and I thought all the food of Christmas would do it, but it didn't do a darn thing.

Thanks again...glad I'm not the only one who writes long posts.