It is always better when one figures out what the answer is to the question they asked. You did a great job in realizing why you have a hard time with NC while she's at work. Not only is it about trust issues, but it's the fact that you have no control there like you do in your own home.
You have made it through a hard day but you've won the battle of NC this time. Taking a day at a time (sometime 1/2 hour at a time)is the way to get there. Was it you that I asked how you would climb a moutain?
I understand a little bit of how embarrassing it is not to be able to answer the questions people are asking about your W (just not for the same reasons). However, most of that is bothering you b/c of the stitch and feeling like people will notice and think it is odd that you can't tell them how your own W is doing. The other fellow would just shrugg it off and say, "You'll have to ask her", and it wouldn't phase him.
Quote:
Are you mad at me? What is wrong? Are you ok today?. "What is wrong" is the most likely question.
What is the best way to answer?
It's all in the tone of voice and the attitude you give off when you answer her. I suspect you may be not talking quite enough. Sometimes it's hard to stay balanced with this stuff. In MWD advice about short answers, I can see how that could be carried to extreme and the LBS be too short on the answer and thereby seemingly mad about something.
My suggestion would be to not be just sitting watching TV or reading the paper, or something "quiet" like that. People can be very angry and watch TV. Some can come across as sulking if they aren't saying much. I think it is probably such a drastic change for you that she thinks something's up. So.....some guilt may be there also.
When she comes in, act very upbeat when she first walks in the door. You know....smile and give a friendly "hi" and how was your day sort of thing. If she will talk, then sit down and listen to her (but don't follow her around to listen to her). If she really wants you to listen, she'll stay put. If she asks questions, then give a satisfactory answer without going on & on about it. I think one reason MWD gives that advice also is to keep some LBH's from asking too many questions of the WAW and to not appear like he is quizing her and being snoopy.
Staying occupied when not talking is important and then it won't look as if you are acting like your feelings are hurt about something. If she asks if you are mad at her, say..."Of course not. Should I be?" But then smile a cute smile at her and turn it off with something else funny to say. May have to think of something in advance. I'm not the best at giving answers like this, but I do believe in trying to keep things as light as possible while getting the R back on track. But again, you have to keep that in balance also b/c if she is going deeper with her EA, she will be watching you to see if you can tell she's cheating again. It is more important that she respect you than trying to keep the air light between you.
If she asks if you're okay, then look into her eyes and smile and say, "Of course, I'm fine!" That is about all you can do b/c if you keep "trying" to prove to her with words....it is over-kill. Try not to worry so much about it. I think you are exhausted and worried to the point you are so uptight and that has you acting odd to her. She knows yuou very well. Most W's can read their H's body language and she knows there's something but she can't get you to say. But, that's good b/c you are not falling into the R talk trap!
If she asks what's wrong.....again you act innoncent and say, "Nothing at all!" Then ask her something.....like has she thought about what she wanted to eat for dinner. I believe if you can think of some topics of interest that you could sort of change the subject...whenever she asks one of those questions, that might help you turn it off.
You are under a lot of pressure. Know where that pressure is coming from? I bet you do. I sort of cringed when you said you "just wanted to get this one right". You are going to make some more mistakes. We all do. Your W will make them also. Life is not going to stop if you do. I don't think she will leave that minute if you make one (in this measure anyway)and if she did....she isn't the woman you need!
Be your own best friend, GW. Whenever you are so worried and let the fear get control then you've lost. Right now....the OM or the EA is not the real enemy. Fear is the true enemy in this R. That is why "dropping the rope" works with most WAS. B/c the LBS stops pulling on the rope, out of fear, and lets go. He not only drops the rope, but he drops the fear. She sees that, and when he is no longer paralyzed with fear, then she responds. It isn't something that can be faked very well. Like I said, she is your W and she knows you very well. So, if you don't think you can drop the rope, at least you can detach, right?
You are a winnner in your life. It depends on how you see a winner. I won't ask your description of it.....b/c it isn't necessary to tell me...as long as you know what it is. I believe you are a winner. I think you just needed to do some adjusting and some self-improvements, but you will make it. You can do this!
Look attractive at home. Act attractive at home. Smell attractive at home. Just as you have a picture of what a winner in life would look like......I bet you have your idea of what an attractive man would seem to a woman. If not, I can get a group of gals together here on the board and we can try to paint a picture as best that we can. Hey, that might be fun, huh?
Talk to you later. Good job today!
EXCELLENT ADVICE !! Sandi2, I always seem to pull a nugget of wisdom from your posts, long or short.... lurking and reading
