Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[Day by Day]

Sorry guys if I offended you! I was just thinking that dropping the rope is like being completely detached. The only way is to sever the relationship through a D!

So I promise to do a better job of editing before submitting next time!

No offense taken newmama!! Your opinion comes from your sitch and mine comes from my sitch. I have been struggling with that same feeling of not "wanting WH to win" or OW to win, but now it feels like I'm only hurting myself by thinking that way. I am focusing on making myself happy instead. Living for me and my kids only wo WH.

You've got much more patience and determination and things are somewhat pleasant in your sitch. Your WH pays attention to you and you see him very often. OTOH, my sitch... nothing. Pure nastiness and disrespect.

[hopingbeyondhope]

Thanks for the hug, Cutter. Yep, even eternal optimists experience dark clouds once in awhile!

Today I took S to his dr. appt and met WH there. I looked good, smelled good. The dr. commented that usually moms wear a pony tail at this stage because the babies like to pull hair. I just said "half the time I do"

So after we went back to the car, WH buckled S into his car seat and lingered forever! I said "Okay, we'll see you in the morning!" and WH said "mommy's in a hurry!" and I said that it was just cold is all. Then someone's exhaust fumes started to filter into the car so I said "it's getting stinky in here...we better go!" and WH reluctantly said goodbye to S and told us to take it easy today and he would see us tomorrow.

I think it was good that I was ready to go, BUH BYE WH! and not eager to hang out chatting with him.

Way to go newmama- sounds like you are making good strides.

[newmama]

DBD, I think you have just as much patience right now dealing with your WH! I think you are showing him amazing constraint given the circumstances and patiently "collecting evidence" while you wait to file the order for financial payment. Grrrr!

[P17]

surrendering means not fighting anymore.

I disagree again

Surrendering is saying to the other side you win. We give up. Here we give ourselves to you to do with as you please.

In D nobody wins. She won't win. I won't win.

Dropping the rope is saying, I love you but I can't fix you or our R anymore. I am working on me now and protecting me and my family. You have made your decision and you must play that out. I will make mine.

That's my take on it.

Oh, and I wasn't offended!

I think it was good that I was ready to go, BUH BYE WH! and not eager to hang out chatting with him.

End contact first ... always good!

[newmama]

Dropping the rope is saying, I love you but I can't fix you or our R anymore. I am working on me now and protecting me and my family. You have made your decision and you must play that out. I will make mine.

I think I can agree with that definition. Maybe D is "burning the rope?"

surrender:
v., -dered, -der·ing, -ders.

v.tr.
To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
To give up in favor of another.
To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.
To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.
To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.
Law. To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.
v.intr.
To give oneself up, as to an enemy.

I do see "give" as the common verb in all of these definitions of surrender. If you "drop" the rope, you are "giving" WS ALL of the rope.

To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.

I see this definition fitting "surrender" in the way that I meant it. To acknowledge that you love the WS but choose to not work on the relationship and instead work on yourself means abandoning the work on the relationship.BUT it is temporarily abandoning it if you don't D!

[ravenly1974]

Hi Newmama!

I hope I didn't offend you at all or make you think it is time to drop the rope or D. Not at all! I just felt that based on the most recent actions by WH, it is time to change strategies a bit. But, like p17 said, it is from my own perspective based on my experiences in relationships.

To be honest, from your descriptions of OW and WH, I cannot believe they are a good match. He seems to like the finer things in life and have very particular taste in things - kind of a classy guy. OW, on the other, I picture kinda vulgar, slutty and not classy at all. I could be wrong completely, but that is just the picture you've painted in my head from your postings. It seems a relationship based on not much more than lust (Sorry but roller coasters and video games don't guarantee long-term stability and committment) and from a compatibility standpoint it seems you would be a better fit for him. This is where I glean hope for your sitch.

[mindfull]

Hey Newmama -

I see you converse w/my friend, Cutter, so I thought I'd come check out your thread! You have a BABY! Awwwww!!! I love babies!

I liked the story about the Dr. I remember, when my kids were little, I was always "done" when I went out, because I was just thrilled to be out of the house!!! I'd have on the dressy jeans, high heeled boots, nice jacket, etc... to get their picture taken! LoL However, I'm just as likely to have a pony tail and baseball cap, as well.

Your night the other night sounded fun, too! I want to see It's Complicated... And, I'm a HUGE Pinot Noir fan! And, calamari!!!

Anyways, I'll catch up on the rest of your thread, but I wanted to say hi!

[newmama]

Hi, ravenly! I meant to respond to your comments!

I think he needs a dose of reality on what a divorced dad's life is truly like. Meaning, I would put down definite boundaries on S that you are 100% comfortable with.

I was not offended--just was questioning how to give him the reality of a divorced dad without creating the impression that I am ready for D! I mean if I said "well, the parenting plan also states you see him 2 weeknights, 1 overnight, and every other Sunday" it seems to me that the discussion would lead into divorce.

2x4 time, said with much caring and hope for your situation.

Right now, your WH has it soooooo very very very easy. You are making this a walk in the park for him. Granted, the changes are for you, and for him to *see*, but he is doing far more than just seeing the changes but benefiting from them directly.

I was wondering how else he was benefitting other than dinner?

I think there is a very large grey area between giving him an easy ride into his actions/decisions and you pushing him for/into a divorce.

Remember your bakery analogy? I think that is so very fitting right now.

yes, I do think it's time to remove favorite pastries from the bakery but I also admitted I wasn't ready for NC because OW would get to see S more than one day per week.

So my distance/mystery strategy is in effect; actually Monday will be the first Monday that I leave.

And please be assured that I am not comfortable with my sitch, but am willing to sacrifice adjustments to the visitation schedule for the sake of the bigger goal (ala my DB coach's advice)

So I don't mean to be defensive; am trying to explain my actions and question the advice but am implementing many of y'all's suggestions!Please keep encouraging or disagreeing with me because it helps me to analyze my decisions and I really do appreciate everyone's support!!!

[ravenly1974]

I was thinking of your parenting schedule today. And a thought occurred to me. Now, I may get flamed for this but I will be a little crazy tonite and put it out there anyway.

The one thing we know for 100% certain about WH is that he is absolutely crazy about his S. Which is great. We also can probably assume that it frustrates OW that he wants to spend so much time over at your place - no doubt because of her own insecurity and loss of control over WH. This is of her doing for deciding to be a homewrecker, and she also needs to accept the consequences and it sounds like she doesn't want to.

If it were me, I would delay the overnights/long Saturdays for as long as possible. WH can come over to your place to visit S as often as he likes. Why? Because I think it will really create an issue for WH and OW. I personally think that she is probably pressuring him about this, and putting WH in a bad spot. Eventually, this should blow up between them if he is giving her promises of things like more time at her place with S and then it doesn't happen.

I am sure even if he is as happy as a clam with OW, while he is there with her his mind probably continually wanders over to how S (and you) are doing. OW probably senses this (And may even get annoyed by it). Allowing S to go over there often may result in less of that and normalize the situation which isn't good for you.

[newmama]

He seems to like the finer things in life and have very particular taste in things - kind of a classy guy. OW, on the other, I picture kinda vulgar, slutty and not classy at all. I could be wrong completely, but that is just the picture you've painted in my head from your postings. It seems a relationship based on not much more than lust (Sorry but roller coasters and video games don't guarantee long-term stability and committment) and from a compatibility standpoint it seems you would be a better fit for him. This is where I glean hope for your sitch.

Thank you!! Now when will he realize this? I really am trying to paint a true picture of OW and WH--I should admit that OW is "nice" (relatively) but the rest is true, I promise!! oh--they both like control and they both keep track of expenses--can't think of the verb but it entails entering in every receipt and budgeting. So those two things in common added to video games and sex mean they are SOUL MATES right???lol